Thoughts on Managing the Grieving Process After Losing Someone You Love.
One of the most challenging things that life can throw at you is the death of someone you care about. When it occurs to you for the first time, you are immediately thrust into a whirlwind of confusion and agony for which no one can adequately prepare you to fight. Some individuals are able to find a means to get through these difficult times, while many others succumb to the pressure of their sorrow and waste years of their lives going through terrible agony as a result.
When I was 25 years old, life had already taken away the presence of three of the most significant persons in my universe. The death of my mother by suicide in 2017 was without a doubt the most harrowing of these events. Her departure from this planet crushed my already fragile spirit into a million little pieces.
Has since I’ve invested a great deal of effort to reassemble those components that were previously separated. Although the passage of time was a significant factor in mitigating the negative effects of her passing, looking back, I can see that a significant amount of deliberate effort and experimentation were also key factors in assisting me in navigating the pangs of grief and regaining my sense of inner peace after her passing. Her passing away may have altered my life in indelible ways, but it did not bring me to ruin.
My writing on the death of loved ones has garnered the attention of tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of readers over the course of the last several years. Every week, I get emails from individuals who have just experienced the death of someone they care about and want to know if I have any words of wisdom for them to help them heal and go on with their lives. I find it humbling that individuals feel they can open up to me, a complete stranger they met on the internet, about some of the most difficult and sensitive events they’ve ever been through. In the meanwhile, I can’t help but feel uneasy. It is terrible to hear of the death of another person, and I am sorry that I will not be able to provide any advise that would make their grief a little bit easier to bear.
The unfortunate truth is that there is no standard procedure for dealing with sorrow. The mourning process is unique to each and every loss that one experiences. Therefore, despite the fact that I have been through a number of devastating setbacks, I do not have the solutions. At the very least, I am unable to provide you with any answers. Having said that, via my own experiences, I have gained some knowledge that I often share with those individuals who make an effort to get in touch with me and that has the potential to be beneficial to other others. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss few of those ideas and takeaways. If even one person reads this essay and finds it useful, then I may consider my work here to have been successful.
Before we get started, I want to offer my condolences to those of you who have experienced the death of a loved one and say that I hope you find some measure of comfort during this trying time.
The direct consequences immediately thereafter
Having to deal with the administrative aspects of dying is a harrowing experience. Having to organize a funeral, compose a eulogy, handle the administration of an estate, and other tasks like these might bring you to your very lowest point. It is impossible to get out of these commitments under any circumstances. Therefore, you have to muster the will to cope with them, despite the fact that you feel bad about it. Hold on tight and keep your attention on getting through this phase one day at a time, that is the recommendation I have for you throughout this time period. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. If you are able to do so, consider taking some time off from your job.
Try to maintain as much compassion as you can when you’re going through the first month. If you are required to write a eulogy, be sure to keep it brief and uncomplicated. Choose three of the many admirable characteristics that were possessed by the person you’ve lost, and then tell a brief anecdote about each one. That’s what I did for the eulogy I gave for my mum after she passed away. Recognize that it is impossible to convey in words even ten percent of what a person has meant to you. Accept this fact. Just do all you can to bring some joy into the lives of those around you.
Always surround yourself with positive, supportive individuals who want the best for you.
The experience of surviving a terrible event has a peculiar way of illuminating the people in your life that you would most want to have by your side when everything goes wrong. To the degree that it is possible for you, surround yourself with individuals who will help to lift your spirit. Avoid surrounding yourself with pessimistic individuals who are often whining about the most inconsequential of issues. There is no cause for concern with regard to these close companions. However, while you are going through the worst of your suffering, you need to surround yourself with positive and supporting individuals who are able to make you feel better. During this time of recuperation, it is OK for you to act in such a self-centered manner.
The most difficult times are those that are completely unexpected.
People check in with me to see how I’m doing on significant dates, such as my mom’s birthday, mother’s day, and the anniversary of the day she passed away. They anticipate that the next days will be the most difficult for me to deal with. On the other hand, my experiences have been rather different up to this point. The majority of these days have found me to be functioning at a satisfactory level.
The most difficult times throughout the mourning process might sneak up on you when you’re least prepared for them, which is one of the most startling aspects of this experience.
When I see a woman on the street laughing with her kid, when I hear my friends speak about visiting their parents, or when I read a story about someone who lost a parent, those are the situations in which I experience the greatest grief. These common occurrences have the potential to bring tears to my eyes at any moment.
These days, it makes me sad to think forward to the significant life events that my mother and I won’t be able to experience together since we are no longer together. When I go to weddings, I can’t help but become emotional because all that’s on my mind is the fact that my mother will never get to watch my boyfriend and I walk down the aisle together.
Never in her life will she touch any of my children. Never in a million years would she assist me in moving into my first residence. And there’s absolutely nothing I can do to bring her back in time for these important moments in our lives. Your journey will look quite different from mine, but you shouldn’t anticipate the onset of sorrow to coincide with any certain event. It may come out of nowhere and surprise you when you’re not looking for it at all.
Trying to make peace with one’s past mistakes
When someone close to you passes away, you may find yourself plagued by a number of regrets, such as the fact that you did not spend sufficient time with them, the things that you did or did not do, and so on. And when it’s someone close to you who takes their own life, as it was with my mother, the weight of the remorse is considerably greater.
You get the impression that you could have been able to prevent it from occurring in some way if you had taken some action. It is difficult to escape this line of thought, but the fact is that even if you could have avoided the death of someone at a certain moment, there is no way that you could have stopped it completely at any point in time. We all die at some time.
And even if it had, it wouldn’t have made a difference. It is no longer possible to be with the person you loved. That is something that you are unable to alter. The only way to live a life free of regret is to take preventative action before anything unfortunate takes place.
Know that experiencing remorse is perfectly natural and acceptable even if you do experience it. Find a method to put what you’ve learned to good use in your relationships with the people who are still in your life rather than ruminating on the past and feeling sorry for yourself. You should spend more time with the individuals you care about and get to know them better.
You should record films of yourself asking your friends and family members questions about their life and sharing such recordings. Make the passing of a loved one into a motivating factor for you to become more compassionate and present with the people who are still in your life.
Feel your pain
It’s natural to seek out things or drugs that dull the sting of your suffering while you’re going through a difficult time, such as a period of bereavement or physical discomfort. The temptation to dull your senses with alcohol, drugs, or other substances is strong when you’re trying to escape the anguish you’re experiencing.
The issue is that you don’t really get better when you dull the pain in your body. You put off dealing with your emotions and bury them deep inside you, which causes them to become trapped within your body.
And if you bottle it up, the healing process will be much lengthier and more challenging for you than if you can discover healthy methods to process your emotions and let them out.
When I was in the most excruciating amount of agony, I forced myself to sit with it. I focused my attention on meditation, and I noticed it. In the near term, this seems like it could not possibly be much more agonizing. You have the impression that you are going to go crazy at any moment now.
However, in the long term, it will assist you in overcoming the debilitating feelings of sadness that you are now experiencing. That is not something that can be obtained through drinking a whole bottle of liquor.
Find outlets for the energy you have been holding within.
During the first three months of my grieving process, I experienced bizarre surges of energy flowing through me. While I tried to sleep, I would either have terrifying nightmares about the moment my mother took her last breath or experience flashbacks to that moment when I was attempting to fall asleep.
My emotions were all over the place; I went from wanting to sob into my hands and curl up into a ball to wanting to hurl everything that was around me against the wall.
During times like this, I tried to find healthy outlets for the energy that was building up inside of me. I ran as fast as I could on the beach, surfed in the crashing waves, and swam laps until I could hardly draw in a breath.
Through participating in these strenuous physical exercises, which forced me out of my thoughts and into my body, I was able to let go of the agony that had been building up inside of me and stop it from taking over my life.
Investigate non-traditional means of obtaining health care.
Before the passing of my mother, I had experimented with magic mushrooms on a few occasions and discovered that they were really potent in assisting me in gaining a clear perspective on the world and on my own life.
On the basis of such encounters, I came to the conclusion that participating in a psychedelic experience may be beneficial in assisting me in the processing of some of the feelings that were buried very deep inside my body. I dedicated a few months to learning about the many different psychedelic substances and determining what I wanted to get out of the experience.
Following the completion of my first reading of How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan, which is currently being adapted into a series by Netflix, I made the decision to try out LSD for the first time.
Together with one of my closest friends, I ingested a large quantity of LSD when attending Burning Man in 2018. I went back in time and experienced everything that happened the day my mother took her own life. I felt the immense amount of suffering that she went through up to the point when she made the choice to take her own life.
An enormous amount of pent-up feelings were finally able to be let out as a direct consequence of the event. Almost immediately, I had a sense of relief and was overcome with compassion for my mother and all of the other people who are going through difficult times.
Eventually, I was able to rid myself of whatever remorse I felt over her passing. It’s astonishing to think that the lessons learned from that event have stuck with me all these years later. Although I do not endorse the use of psychedelics because of their extreme potency and the need of exercising extreme care when interacting with them, I can say that my own experience with LSD was very beneficial.
Leave behind a lasting and favorable impression for the individual.
My mother’s life was cut short in a horrible manner, but rather than dwell on that, I’ve been trying to find ways to make the most of the wonderful legacy that she has left behind. She lived a nearly 50-year life that was full of hope, joy, dreams, and the straightforward delights that come along with being alive. It was very important to me that the splendor of her existence not be diminished as a result of her decision to end her own life, either in my mind or in the minds of other people.
Consequently, I came to the conclusion that I should leave behind a good name for her. That was preceded by the posting of her eulogy online, which at this point has been read by 100,000 individuals.
Because of what I said, a few dozen individuals have come out to me and shared with me that, as a result of reading my words, they have refrained from taking their own lives and, for the first time in their life, have had a sense of being understood. Those messages were tough to accept, but in the end, they provide even more significance to my mother’s life and the fight she has waged against the darkness.
Additionally, I received a tattoo on my wrist that represented the sincerity, belief, and compassion that was instilled in me by my mother.
This serves as a constant reminder of the principles that I want to uphold in my life despite the fact that she is no longer here. And lastly, in her honor, I established a scholarship fund that provides assistance to students and the families of those students who are coping with difficulties related to mental health.
You will discover the strategies that are effective for you, but I have discovered that it is quite beneficial to assist the world in seeing my mother as the hero that she was.
Find ways to strengthen your thinking via exposure to sources of knowledge.
Reading literature that assisted me in working through my sorrow and moving on to a better place helped me find a lot of spiritual solaces that helped me move ahead.
The books “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chodron and “The Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holiday proved to be the most beneficial. Pema’s work promotes the wisdom of the Buddhists, which helped me feel more grounded within the limited and often harsh realities of life. I am very grateful to Pema for this.
My logical brain was stimulated by Holiday’s work, and as a result, I was able to realize that the only way to move on from my pain was to persevere through it with grace and a strong mind.
Additionally, I found that the books “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl and “Awareness” by Anthony de Mello was helpful to me at different periods.
Even while none of these books are particularly about death, they all discuss certain philosophies (Buddhism, Stoicism, and Logotherapy) that helped me go through the mourning process.
Books, other people, movies, or any other medium that you find beneficial in comprehending and progressing through your experience might be considered potential sources of knowledge for you.
It is recommended that you get assistance from a third party.
After the passing of my mother, I did not seek professional counseling immediately after the event. During the first several months of my mourning process, I did not get the impression that this was the road for me to take. However, at some point in time, I did go to therapists and coaches, and they assisted me in thinking through what had occurred to me and how I dealt with it.
One of those coaches recommended that I try to focus on the good aspects of the day that marks the anniversary of the passing of my mother.
The very first time I did this, I invited the majority of my close pals to meet up with me in San Diego for a few days so that we could hang out together and take pleasure in each other’s company.
It was a really enjoyable experience. Since then, we’ve made it a point to make that get-together a yearly occurrence, and as a result, I now have the good fortune to be surrounded by amazing people on the day that marks one year since the passing of my mother.
Considerations and Conclusions
If you live long enough, you will, at some point, be forced to say goodbye to a loved one who is no longer with you. These experiences may be very unpleasant, but they also have the potential to help you learn more about yourself and gain perspective on the things in your life that are really important.
Finding a means to go through your sorrow while keeping your sanity is the most crucial thing you can do at this point. It is far simpler to describe that endeavor than it is to carry it out. It is my sincere hope that some of the ideas presented here would be of assistance to you in carrying out that procedure.
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