How to Stop Being the Worst of you to Our Spouse.
You may obtain a very decent notion of what leads to a major breakdown – and split – even if you haven’t been married yet thanks to the abundance of television series (such as “Married at First Sight”) and publications on the subject of divorce that are already available on the internet.
However, in spite of all that has been discussed, there is one item that is almost never on any list, despite the fact that it very certainly ought to be, and that thing is rudeness. I find it quite intriguing that this is the case.
Do you want to imply that some couples who have been together for a long time eventually decide to end their relationship because one or both of them is too nasty to the other? Yep. That is an accurate representation of what I am trying to convey.
What ironic is it that while the majority of us would agree that children should be raised to avoid being rude and to use their manners when dealing with those around them, there are thousands of grown people who refuse to practice what they preach, particularly when it comes to those who are closest to them?
Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get into some details. Let’s take a look at a few of the things that the majority of us were instructed to do when we were youngsters but that we probably aren’t putting into practice in our own marriages.
In this way, we are able to see in plain sight how being impolite and lacking manners may lead to the end of a relationship… if we are not cautious in our actions.
Recognize and respect the time commitments of your partner.
It is a hill that I shall die on, in part because I used to be the sort of person that I am going to “preach” about in the next sentence. When I was in my 20s, I didn’t give a hoot about other people’s time or how valuable it was to them.
The wasting of other people’s time is, without a doubt, one of the most inconsiderate actions that a person is capable of doing, and this is a fact that cannot be refuted. And the answer is that it is very possible to do something like that to another individual.
To waste something is to use, spend, or utilize it ineffectively or without an appropriate return; to use something in a way that does not result in any benefit or profit; to squander.
On the day of your wedding, when you exchanged vows with each other, one of the things that you promised to do was to keep your word, right? Not only does this apply to faithfulness, but other things as well.
In point of fact, one of the things that marriage ought to do is help you build a greater sense of integrity, which includes doing what you say you’re going to do at the time you say you’re going to do it. This is one of the things that marriage ought to accomplish.
Always arriving a few minutes or more late. ignoring your obligations and not following through with what you’ve promised. Changing your plans cavalierly on a whim without giving them any thought.
One aspect that all of these actions have is a disregard for the time commitments made by other individuals. Your partner is entitled to the same level of respect as anybody else in this world.
Avoid Engaging in Unwanted Conversations Regarding Your Partner.
Before we go into this topic, it should be made clear that gossip is not always or necessarily a falsehood. This should be established as a matter of public record. Something that is said in the context of gossip can very well be accurate.
It is defined as “idle conversation or gossip, particularly about the personal or private concerns of others,” and if there is one thing that you agreed to when you were married, it is to respect the personal and private matters of your spouse, just as you would want them to do for you.
This indicates that you should not share with anyone else anything that you are aware the other person would want to remain private only between the two of you, particularly if you know that they would prefer to keep it between the two of you and no one else.
And certainly not your mother. That would not be your most intimate girlfriend. That can’t be his mother under any circumstances. Because, yeah, talking behind people’s backs is impolite.
It is also possible for it to produce a rupture in the trust that previously existed in the partnership, which is never a positive development.
The question now is, what do you do if you are interested in another point of view on something? I believe it is an excellent question, and I will respond with some advice in response to it.
Inquire of your spouse on their level of comfort with the concept of you having a “safe area” in which to communicate. The majority of the time, your partner will not object to the idea of you having a sounding board as long as the following conditions are met:
1) they are allowed to have one as well;
2) the individual is positive about the union; and
3) the individual demonstrates that they can be relied on as a trusted confidant.
Someone once advised me to “Complain to someone who can assist you,” and I have always followed this piece of advice.
This indicates that you should go to a reliable source who will not “feed the flames” but who can offer you with the knowledge that will assist you in putting out the fire.
You should only include as many specifics as are absolutely essential. I will emphasize that no one needs to know everything, and by “everything,” I mean anything that may make your partner feel ashamed, resentful, or humiliated.
The idea is to provide the other person with any relevant information, even if it’s only enough to catch the gist.
If you follow these three guidelines, you will find that it is far simpler to accept support in the here and now rather than placing yourself in the situation of having to engage in gossip about your spouse.
Maintain a more upbeat and optimistic outlook than you would otherwise.
This is going to be the final item on the list, although it very certainly might have been included first. Is there anything that could be worse than someone going out of their way to treat other people with kindness and concern, only to return home and be a holy terror to those who live in their household?
Despite this, this is how the behavior of a significant number of individuals often seems. They allow their spouse in on the darkest parts of who they are, so although everyone else thinks they are fantastic at work, their spouse knows something quite different about who they really are.
I’m not just referring about one’s frame of mind and attitude here either. In addition, what I mean is that many times partners in a relationship are really unkind to one another or, at the very least, they project a variety of different sorts of bad energy in the direction of their partner.
In other words, their partner is the one who has to listen to all of their griping and negative commentary all of the time, and after a while, it can be very taxing.
The tendency to focus on the negative is referred to as negativity bias. To cut a long tale short, the idea behind this is that we are “wired” to focus on the bad aspects of situations before we see the favorable ones.
Therefore, if you want to be respectful to your spouse, it’s vital to focus on the good aspects of the relationship rather than the unpleasant aspects. I’m not claiming that it’s simple; all I’m doing is claiming that it’s important to do.
Because a positive attitude has the same kind of snowball effect that a negative attitude has, and vice versa.
Even if there are a few more things that might be added to this list, I am confident in saying that if you put them into practice, you and your spouse will notice a significant change in the way in which you communicate with one another. After all, you can’t deny that you have feelings for your spouse, can you? And as it is said in the Holy Scriptures, love does not behave impolitely.
Be sure to Smirk When You See Your Partner.
When males transition from a “work mentality” to a “home mindset,” my male friend who has been married for over 30 years told me once that they may “strip their gears” if they are immediately bombarded with a large number of complaints and demands the moment they walk in the door of their house.
I understood exactly what he was getting at. Because of this, one of the things that I advise married couples to do is to meet each other with a smile, a “How was your day?” followed by a kiss or an embrace, and then ask the other person how their day was.
After then, they should figuratively avoid contact with one another for the next half an hour to an hour. Both parties benefit from the time they are given to relax and unwind in order to be better able to concentrate on the tasks that must be completed after work.
Regrettably, a significant number of individuals don’t behave in this manner. In spite of the fact that they would immediately reprimand their children if they came home from school with snarling frowns on their faces and shrieking about what they want to eat from the refrigerator, they behave precisely the same way when their significant other gets home.
The thing is, not only is that kind of energy extremely off-putting, but it can also bring in a spirit of negativity that can be totally avoided if both people decided to acknowledge each other with something other than rolling their eyes or some sort of grunt.
This is because acknowledging each other with something other than a rolling of the eyes or a grunt is a much more direct form of communication than rolling the eyes or grunting is.
Ask. Don’t Demand.
When you are in need of something, you should never be afraid to ask for it, regardless of how long you have known someone, how long you have been with them, or how confident you are in what you believe they are going to say or do.
DO NOT BE DEMANDING; INSTEAD, ASK.
Someone who is demanding is insulting on a number different levels.
To begin, it gives the impression that you should have what you want just because you want it, even if no one else cares about your desires. Hmph. Doesn’t what you’re reading sound an awful lot like the temper tantrums that babies have when they become frustrated?
Demanding behavior is not only impolite because it involves telling another person what they should do, but also because your partner is not your kid; acting toward them as if they demonstrate a high level of condescension and patronizing behavior.
Being demanding also involves expecting other people to move according to your schedule, which begs the question: Would you like it if someone did that to you? There is a very good chance that it is not.
Because it comes down to you making a request and taking the position that you would enjoy it if the request was honored, asking is considered polite because it shows that you have consideration for the other person.
Observe how unlike this kind of energy is now, will we? You are probably familiar with the proverb that your grandmother used to tell you, which states that “honey can capture more flies than vinegar can.”
In this situation, demanding anything is equivalent to using vinegar, whereas asking for something is the most delicious kind of honey that exists.
Always remember to use polite forms of address.
Two of my close friends’ kids are my goddaughters. The first one is 12 years old, while the other one is just 3 years old. It might be somewhat amusing to see their parents instructing the youngest child in the art of saying “please” and “thank you,” despite the fact that the child understands the idea;
yet, her disposition can vary greatly from one moment to the next, making it rather comical to watch.
That very much sums up the whole of each and every one of us. The fact that stating both of these things is an indication of having excellent manners is not affected by this fact in any way.
It demonstrates that we respect the individuals with whom we are interacting and that we appreciate whatever it is that they are prepared to do for us.
Now, if you don’t respect or appreciate your spouse and avoiding “please” and “thank you” is a passive-aggressive way of communicating that, then this is something that you should discuss with a counselor, therapist, or relationship life coach.
In the meanwhile, if you have a habit of omitting “pleases” and “thank yous” because you believe that such expressions are superfluous in the context of a marital dynamic, this is simply not the case. The practice of common civility is much appreciated by everybody. Your husband is most definitely not an exception to this rule.
Consider Your Responses Carefully Before You Speak
When your partner is trying to communicate with you, you should not interrupt them.
The love language of the only lover I will ever have in this lifetime (I’m too old for a “boy” anything), quality time, was the language of unconditional positive regard. When he needed to speak about something that was important to him, I made sure to stop what I was doing and give him eye contact when I did so.
This was a crucial part of what he wanted from me. Since words of affirmation are my primary love language, followed by physical contact as a close second, I was already well taken care of and didn’t need that.
However, I gained a lot of insight into how to give him my whole attention, how to monitor my own facial expressions, and how to refrain from interrupting him until he had completed what he was saying by learning how to slow down and truly concentrate on the things that he was saying.
There are times when we don’t listen to what is being said in order to process what is being said; rather, we simply look for a break in the conversation so that we can share our own ideas and thoughts. I’m pretty sure you’ve heard this before, but it’s worth repeating because it’s important to understand.
Even as I type this, a lot of individuals are getting into difficulties in their relationships for the reason that they believe their monologues are conversations, and the reason for this is because they think their monologues are dialogues.
To boil it all down, it is impolite to cut into the conversation of someone when they are delivering it. This includes the announcement that some of us make, which goes something like, “I’m sorry to cut you off but…”
while we proceed to keep railroading the discussion nonetheless. If you are sincere in your apology, you will refrain from interrupting your conversation partner in order to give them the opportunity to complete what they were saying.
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