how to fix a love-hate relationship

how to fix a love-hate relationship

You either adore them or despise them. You argue, and then you put on makeup. And then do it again and again.

Initially, this may be exhilarating and exciting since the make-up will be powerful; you will be overwhelmed with strong feelings. However, it will ultimately cause you to worry about the connection and question if you made the correct choice by getting into it.

If you alternate between liking and loathing your spouse, you may be in a complex love-hate relationship. You may believe that love will ultimately triumph over hatred, but as things worsen, you will find yourself on unstable footing with your spouse. MomJunction teaches you about a love-hate relationship, the causes behind it, and how to repair it in this article.

What Is A Love-Hate Relationship?

A love-hate relationship occurs when both parties have strong emotions for one other but are inconsistent in expressing them. As a result, they act affectionately on certain times while acting like foes on others.

Couples in a love-hate relationship have a tendency to use harsh things that they do not intend. On occasion, people can’t stand each other and may want to quit the relationship, but they don’t.

Aside from the obvious volatility in their feelings, there are a few additional indicators that yours is a love-hate relationship.

Signs of a Love-Hate Relationship
If you and your partner are experiencing strong emotions, keep an eye out for some additional actions or indications that indicate the nature of your relationship.

1. You may feel that they are a gift in your life at times.
Extreme emotions characterize love-hate partnerships. Because of some attractive characteristics in them, you may feel as if you are the luckiest person in the world at times. You may like the fact that your spouse is energetic, focused in life, constantly helpful, and prioritizes you. You can’t help but find some characteristics in your spouse attractive, no matter how hard you try.

2. You simply can’t bear them some of the time.
There are a few characteristics that are completely repulsive. It may be their ego, a quick temper, or streaks of sloth. These behaviors or characteristics may not be deal breakers, but they do create some friction from time to time. At moments like these, you may feel as though you made a mistake by committing to your spouse.

3. You put on makeup—you break up again and again.
In a love-hate relationship, you both adore and despise one other. When you both fight, it will be heated, with name-calling and promises to end the relationship. You may find each other unattractive during such intense exchanges.

Even if you are contemplating divorce, you may have a change of heart and makeup, shower each other with affection, and forget that you were at odds only a short time before. This love, however, is fleeting, as the cycle of breaking up and making up continues.

4. You see the relationship as a challenge.
Initially, you may have been drawn to your partner’s good qualities (and still do). But when the negatives came up with you, you were taken aback and wanted to terminate the relationship. However, the benefits are too wonderful to pass up, or you have spent too much time and effort to walk away without giving it another go. So you begin to treat the connection as a valued asset, with the goal of winning them over. You may attempt to persuade them to remain devoted to you indefinitely, or you can give in to your wants and needs.

5. You have no clue where the relationship is going.
You watch other couples moving on in their relationships, supporting and understanding each other, but you are trapped in a vicious cycle of loving and loathing.

With all of the conflicting feelings and roller coaster rides, you simply can’t figure out what the future of the relationship is. Perhaps you were comfortable in the relationship or are scared of being alone, so you stayed with them.

6. There is no healthy emotional connection.
While you like some characteristics in your spouse, you do not love them enough to tolerate their faults. This inhibits both of you from establishing an emotional connection, which is important for the relationship’s survival.

You may be pursuing perfection and attempting to mold your relationship into your mental picture of the ideal man or lady. When they accomplish something wonderful, your heart overflows with love for them. And the minute they go against your will, you begin to despise them. Your emotions for them become conditional and are determined by how they make you feel.

7. You both have emotional baggage.
A lack of emotional connection may lead to frequent disputes and confrontations. At some time, you may stop discussing the problems and begin to brush things under the rug.

Assume you’re irritated with your partner because he or she hasn’t done the dishes. Instead of resolving that one problem, you utilize it to bring to light all of the previously unsolved concerns. Such pent-up rage will develop to hate and resentment, which will erupt at the least provocation. And when it occurs, the absence of an adequate emotional connection will exacerbate the situation.

8. Your partner’s flaws continue to worry you.
As previously said, there may be aspects of your spouse that you find intolerable. So, even if you are strongly attracted to them, the parts of them that you hate nag you. This makes it tough to love or detest them entirely.

You may have attempted to speak to your spouse about the issues that are troubling you, but there is no change, and you ultimately come to the conclusion that they will never change. This will leave you dissatisfied since you will be unable to determine whether to remain for the good or leave for the bad.

9. You speak less to one other and more about each other.
When you’re not sure about your spouse and talking to them isn’t working, you attempt to quiet the noises in your mind by discussing your relationship problems with your friends and family.

You may believe that they view things differently than you do, or that they know how to repair your relationship. You will experience an impulsive desire to express your emotions with your pals in order to get support and affirmation. You know it would hurt or annoy your spouse, yet you can’t stop yourself because the doubts in your mind won’t allow you.

10. You strive to be conservative.
A good relationship is one in which you can be yourself, love without limits, and embrace one other without hesitation. However, in a love-hate relationship, you are in and out at times.

Such half-hearted feelings will make you defensive of yourself. You strive to be secure out of fear of rejection and pain. You start imagining scenarios in your mind about how you can get out of the relationship clean. You attempt to concentrate more on the characteristics you despise and push your spouse away.

If you can identify with the majority of the actions listed above, you may be in a love-hate relationship. And you may be wondering how you and your spouse ended yourself in this position.

Why Do Couples Have Love-Hate Relationships?
You and your spouse did not get entangled in this maelstrom of love and hatred overnight. This scenario is the consequence of a number of minor factors, some of which are listed below.

Ego: Ego and love are incompatible. If you and your spouse have enormous egos that overwhelm your love, you will have trouble accepting your flaws. And if your spouse attempts to bring it out, you may react badly.
Compatibility issues: When your perspectives on love, life, ambitions, and desires do not align, things may go awry.
Unbent personalities: If both partners have strong personal ideas and perspectives and are unable to let go of them or even bend them a bit for the purpose of being together, love may quickly turn to hate.
Control issues: Another disadvantage of having a strong personality is the need to be in charge. If you and your spouse are always arguing about who has control of the relationship, there will be no love.
Cheating, jealousy, and insecurity: These bad characteristics may also throw a relationship into a love-hate cycle. If you face these problems and choose to ignore them rather than solve them, they may breed hatred and animosity in you.
Try to perfect others but not oneself: When you constantly identify defects and want your spouse to be flawless while ignoring your own imperfections, you will surely develop a love-hate relationship.
When you identify the source of all those strong yet fluctuating feelings, you may focus on resolving them before the relationship ends. Then we’ll offer you some pointers on how to go about it.

How to Deal with a Love-Hate Relationship

Clear your mind: The main problem with a love-hate relationship is indecision. You can’t constantly questioning your role in the relationship and expect everything to be OK. To lead your relationship out of this difficult period, both you and your spouse must first decide whether you want to continue the relationship or end it.
A love-hate relationship may be a phase unless you are in an abusive or poisonous relationship. With the proper effort, you can guide it along the road of happiness.

Identify the negative emotions: The next stage is to identify the negative emotions that are creating conflict. These may be your lack of patience or your partner’s anger, which is making you both resentful.
So, the next time you’re about to strike out at your spouse, pause for a minute and reflect. If you can’t manage your rage, don’t respond. Take your time and think about the situation calmly.

Highlight the positives: Everyone has faults, and it’s perfectly OK. The sooner you embrace this, the better, since once you accept the individual for who they are, you will be freed from negative thoughts and nagging doubts.
Once the negative ideas have been flushed out, you will be able to recognize each other’s qualities that make the relationship solid to attain happiness, feel more confidence about yourself and the relationship, and begin trusting your spouse.