5 Telltale Signs a Marriage Is in Big Trouble.
If you were to ask any marriage counselor, therapist, or life coach about the most challenging aspect of their work, I’d be shocked if they didn’t say that one of the most difficult aspects of their job is convincing people to see the subtle things that could eventually lead to the end of their relationship.
I’d be shocked if they didn’t say that. Because believe me when I say that even though money, family, and the sense that you no longer share anything in common with your partner are still at the top of the list of reasons for divorce, I’m about to share with you some other things that are overlooked far more often than they ever should be.
I have high hopes that even a cursory examination of the topics I cover will provide you and your spouse with food for thought about the question of how best to protect your marriage.
Because, in all likelihood, it is not the “big things” that lead to breakups; rather, it is the “small things” that have a tendency to wreak the greatest devastation on a couple’s relationship.
You spend more time conversing with others than you do with your spouse.
Folks in my world are aware that I tend to take things quite literally and word for word. When I mention that I think a person’s spouse should also be their closest friend, a lot of people find it strange, which is why I always find it intriguing when they react in such a manner.
Because I take it so seriously, when my closest friend got married, I downgraded my relationship with her to that of a “good” friend. Why?
Since I am aware that the word “best” may indicate “of the greatest quality, excellence, or status” as well as “the most beneficial, acceptable, or desirable.”
” Why on earth would you make the decision to spend the rest of your life with one person when you believe that there are other people who are of a greater quality or status, or who are more appropriate to or appealing than your current partner? Why, indeed it does.
And for benefit of those who prefer to scan rather than read carefully, let me clarify that I in no way intend to imply that your spouse ought to be your everything (no human being ought to be that) or that other people do not contribute to the maintenance of a healthy balance in your life.
On the other hand, if there are other people that you rush to talk to and discuss things with, but your spouse comes in third or fourth on your list, then this should serve as a major warning sign. Asking yourself the question “why isn’t my spouse my first and foremost go-to?” is the best method to get to the bottom of why I say that.
Is it because there is a breakdown in trust? Is it because you find it more enjoyable to chat to other people?
Is it possible that you and your spouse just didn’t put much emphasis on maintaining friendships throughout your time together (you’d be surprised by how frequent this problem truly is)?
Do you see how each of them presents a very significant challenge?
As I type this, I have a buddy who is in the process of getting married. He has said to me on several occasions that he loves his fiancée, but he does not consider her to be his “favorite” person. Dude.
The definition of the word “favorite” is “a person or object considered with exceptional favor or preference,” and I don’t know how you all feel about this, but it seems to make sense that the person you selected to marry should be treated with great favor and preference. It begs the question, though: are they? And if they aren’t, the question then becomes: why aren’t they?
The feeling of love is present. However, the like is referred to be “iffy.”
There are a few of mountains that I’m going to end up dying on. One of them is that I think that a married couple’s relationship may be saved even if they are going through a difficult time together but they are still in love with each other. When two people love one another yet don’t like one other anymore, you know things have reached a low point in their relationship.
Why do I have this impression? Simply because you look forward to the time you get to spend with someone you like.
Having something in common with another person is a prerequisite for like them. When you like someone, you usually like being with them because it makes you feel good.
Friendship is built on a foundation of like one another, and when two people are friends, they can go through just about anything together. As is the case with most friendships.
Because of this, one of the first questions I ask a couple that comes to me for assistance after they have exhausted all other options and are at their wit’s end is, “Do you still like each other?” If they answer “yes,” but then say something along the lines of “We’re simply not ‘in love’ anymore,”
“My typical response is, “Oh, that can be remedied completely,” I mention this because the butterflies and other sentiments reminiscent of a Hallmark movie that people experience in the early stages of their relationship are similar to a roller coaster in that they may be unexpected at times.
They appear briefly and then go. On the other hand, the degree to which one likes another person is often more stable and reliable. Therefore, if we are able to build on like, love will often return to us.
I don’t know very many individuals who have said anything along the lines of “I’ll marry you, but I also intend on divorcing you.”
What I do hear very often is people saying things like, “I married you, but now we’re on the brink of divorcing each other, and I have no idea how we got here.” And that is why I laid all of this out — so that you can see how it is quite simple to be in a significant problem — not because someone did “obvious” things like cheat or abuse, but rather as a result of more nuanced concerns like the seven that are listed right here.
Therefore, if you recognize any of these problems in either yourself or your marriage, please discuss the issue with your partner. Avoid holding out. When overlooked, little things may snowball into much larger problems. When dealt with, even seemingly little issues may be resolved.
The “Kiddie Pool” Is Where the Conversations Are.
People who are unable to swim or youngsters are usually the ones that use the kiddie pool, right? The water is purposefully kept quite shallow. Let’s go on to apply this to a romantic relationship. I have lost count of the number of husbands who have shared with me that they no longer engage in “going deep” conversations with their wives since such conversations always lead to either an interrogation or a fight.
Because of this, they have come to the conclusion that their responses should range between two and three words in length, irrespective of the subject matter. They will be able to steer clear of any possible controversy if they proceed in this manner.
Yes, this is not a good sign since inadequate communication is another major contributor to the dissolution of marriages.
At some time, there will be a mental and/or emotional distance between you and yours if the two of you do not communicate what is going through your heads, including how the two of you really feel. In most cases, sooner rather than later.
Because of this, it is very vital to set aside time in the morning for meditation, “dates” with coffee or tea, and walks after dinner, as well as pillow talk in the evening. You should make it a point to ask each other, “Hey darling, how are you?” on a regular basis and then actively listen to the other person’s response without criticizing or judging them in any way.
This should be done intentionally. When they perceive that they are not in danger, people have a tendency to go out into more dangerous seas (if you know what I mean).
And this is what occurs when the scene is created for bonding in this manner, and then making your partner feel that if there is anybody they should come to with their most intimate thoughts and emotions, it should be you.
There Is a Sense of Casualness Regarding Spirituality
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin was a French priest who once made the following observation: “We are not human beings enjoying a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings experiencing an experience of what it is like to be human.
The concept of conscious existence is one definition of what is meant by the term “spirit.”” “closely comparable in interests, attitude, viewpoint, etc.” is an example of one meaning of the word “spiritual.””
Both of these explanations are helpful to me because they serve as reminders that your spiritual being is not about religion; rather, it is about connecting with the aspects of your soul that have the potential to improve the standard of your life.
When it comes to getting married, it may be damaging on a variety of levels if you and your spouse do not take initiative and make an effort to learn more about one another’s passions and perspectives on life.
This can be the case on a number of different fronts. To begin, being married does not always imply that one gives up all of their identity once they do so.
Therefore, even if you aren’t interested in the same things as your partner, you should at least show support for them. It is difficult to walk with someone when you are unaware of the direction that they are traveling in, because a person’s perspective is something that may truly change as they develop. This makes it difficult to walk with someone.
Next point. Did you notice how one’s perspective may also play a part in spirituality? This actually could be its own essay, but some signals that you and/or your partner might benefit from having your attitude realigned include the following:
You’re always in a bad mood.
You’re just too touchy-feely for my taste.
You are incapable of learning (cannot be corrected about or held responsible for a significant amount of anything)
You’re unrealistic (including when it comes to your expectations)
All of these factors have the potential to directly influence how you feel, which in turn has a direct influence on how you behave. In addition, none of these “attitude difficulties” will assist in the development of a relationship. Because of this, putting an emphasis on the spiritual side of your marriage is not only a good idea but also something that is completely unnecessary.
You Have the Attitude That You Know Everything There Is to Know About Your Spouse.
When it comes to your partner, it’s arrogant to believe that you already know all there is to know about them (or your kids). In point of fact, the very instant when you find yourself in that frame of mind is often the time when life will humble you by throwing you the ultimate curve ball.
For this reason, I’ve always found it comforting that the Bible teaches that a man and his wife will merge into a single entity the moment they exchange vows of marital commitment (Genesis 2:18-25).
Because becoming is a process, it doesn’t mean that they are one because becoming is a process that never truly ends because people are continually changing. This is because becoming is a process.
When you allow yourself to become too confident in what you believe you know, you run the risk of being taken aback one day by the revelation of anything about your partner’s history or present that you were completely ignorant of. Because of this, you shouldn’t make any assumptions.
Ask. Communicate. Listen. Keep an open mind and be adaptable. You did not sign up to think that you already know all there is to know about someone because you want to spend the rest of your life getting to know that person intimately. Trust me, you don’t.
You Have a Secret Envy for Other People’s Relationships.
While my mother never came out and confessed it while I was growing up, I know for a fact that there was a couple she envied because they looked to have more than we had.
Although she never said it directly, I know this to be true. To be more explicit, the husband did nothing except purchase gifts for his wife on a consistent basis. Hmph. Do you know what else was happening at the time? He had an affair with another woman. How did I learn this? I heard it from one of his children.
A quote attributed to the journalist Harold Coffin states that “envy is the skill of counting the other fellow’s benefits instead of your own.”
So true, so true. And here’s the thing: if you’re always looking at what you believe other people have in their relationship that you don’t, all that does is foster bitterness, which in turn cultivates barriers between you and the other person.
Envy is a feeling that develops when individuals make comparisons between themselves and other people or between themselves and the dynamics of other relationships. How would you feel if your partner was always making these comparisons?
My life is guided by the credo “originals are incomparable,” and I make no apologies for doing so.” Because I am an original, I don’t waste time thinking about whether or not there is someone prettier or smarter than me, nor do I give a damn about it. You won’t be able to top it.
Additionally, each and every marriage is a unique creation. Having marital mentors, or individuals who you look up to and who can assist you along the road, is one thing;
nevertheless, you should avoid comparing your relationship to other couples or becoming envious of them. You don’t have all of the information on them (no matter how much they tell you).
Aside from that, all of that energy might be used into improving your marriage – improving it on your own terms, as opposed to improving it according to the standards of someone else (or their social media accounts), which only offer you the “edited version” of what they have going on.
The pursuit of intimacy is not a top priority.
Give it to me straight. Have you had a chance to eat yet? Do you have enough time to take a shower? Do you have time to chat on the phone with your pals or browse social media applications on your phone?
Then why do so many individuals say that they just don’t “have the time” to be intimate with the person they’re committed to? What type of logical reasoning is it supposed to be?
The truth is that there is always time for what we value, and it’s terrible that for many couples, physical closeness isn’t at the top of the list of priorities (or one-half of a couple).
It is unfortunate that this is the case because when two people take a vow to marry each other and “be faithful to each other,” being faithful means more than just refraining from having sexual relations with other people; it also means maintaining an intimate relationship with one’s spouse or partner.
In point of fact, the importance of including sexual activity as a fundamental component of a marriage cannot be emphasized enough. This is due to the fact that it is one of the few things that distinguish the dynamic of a married couple’s relationship from that of any other relationship.
Having stated that, the frequency with which two individuals engage in intimate behavior might vary (many reports share that healthy marriages have sex around once a week).
But you shouldn’t overlook that if it’s been a few months since there was any hanging from the chandeliers or even just a few of quickies in the morning.
A lack of sex indicates that there is a lack of prioritizing it, which is something that the two of you should discuss as soon as possible provided that both parties are physically capable of having sex (and/or there are not serious issues within the relationship, in which case you should speak with a professional), and this is something that the two of you should discuss as soon as possible.