Relationships may be ruined by a toxic habit of criticism.

When we are under stress or frustrated, our critical side tends to show its ugly head, which makes it a tough habit to change once established. However, being aware of the impact it has on your spouse and the relationship you have may prompt you to reevaluate your behavior in the future.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It has a negative impact on your partner’s self-confidence.

Those remarks may be quite hurtful, as anybody who has been on the receiving end of criticism will attest. When you criticize your spouse repeatedly, they may lose confidence in their own abilities and begin to mistrust their own capabilities.

Because it comes from someone who is meant to love us, “it might cause us to doubt our own value and worth,” Smith said. “We might begin to think that, since they care about us, whatever they’re saying about us must be true,” says the author.

Because of this, people lose faith in you.

Stephen Stosny, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., said that frequent criticism might seem like betrayal: In doing so, it goes against the implicit promise given during the creation of attachment ties, which is that the person you love will care about how you feel and would never purposefully harm you.

 

 

 

 

 

Interaction is sabotaged by it.

Through repeated criticism, the emotional space that separates you and your spouse becomes larger. You begin to feel bitterness and hatred in lieu of the warm, good sentiments you formerly shared.

According to Smith, “the vast majority of us are not good at taking criticism.” The fact that it doesn’t make us feel good makes us believe that we’re less loved and closer to our lover, which is understandable.

“When a complaint is conveyed as a weakness in one’s character, it is called criticism.”

In the process, it degrades your spouse while elevating yourself.

In Stosny’s opinion, “critique tends to be devaluing, meaning that the critical partner is wiser, more talented, more moral, or better in some manner.”

When it comes to convincing your spouse to alter their behaviors, it is ineffective.

Criticism, on the other hand, causes your significant other to get defensive, rather than encourage them to change their conduct. As soon as your partner perceives an assault, their guard is up, and they are not in a position to fully comprehend what you are saying.

It is important to note that when criticism is frequent, it may truly be a sort of emotional abuse on the part of the recipient.

In order to keep power in the relationship, an emotionally abusive spouse employs strategies such as criticism (among others) and puts their partner down in order to maintain the upper hand.

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone who is critical of their spouse, on the other hand, is not a victim of emotional abusing. When you referred to your spouse as “lazy” because they chose to watch television instead of cleaning the bathroom as promised, it was most likely a mistaken attempt to solicit assistance with home tasks rather than an intentional attempt to degrade your partner. We have all experienced feelings of overload or frustration, and we have all used criticism at some point.

In contrast, if you constantly lash out at and criticize your spouse, regardless of what they do (for example, the way they dress, their sex drive, their career, their family and friends, or a characteristic of their personality such as their sensitivity), this may be an indication of emotional abuse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, what should you do in order to communicate?

It is much simpler to say than it is to do to tell someone to “just stop being critical”. Following are some suggestions from therapists for communicating oneself more tenderly and efficiently in a relationship:

Instead of focusing on what you don’t want from your spouse, concentrate on what you do want from your mate.

 

Honey is said to attract more flies than vinegar, which is true to some extent. When making requests, be kind. Instead of blaming your spouse of being reckless for failing to keep up with the expenses, Stosny suggested the following alternative: “Honey, I’m a bit concerned about the bills.” We’d want to get down and go through what’s coming in and what has to be disposed of. Considering your schedule, when would be a suitable time for you?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Soft startup” is a good idea.

You may use this Gottman-approved strategy to start a conversation about what’s upsetting you by framing it as follows: “I’m feeling about , and I’d want .”

“It’s critical to fill up the initial blank with an authentic emotion. It’s best to avoid using the phrases “I feel like” and “You make me feel like,” since none of these are beneficial, according to Brittle.

Imagine how you would approach someone you like and respect with a behavior suggestion. That’s the proper way to approach your partner’s behavior requirements.

 

Consider using the phrase “I desire.”

If you want to say something like “You’re so unhelpful — you never pick the kids up from soccer,” try something like “I wish you would help lighten my burden by bringing the kids up from practice a couple of times a week.”

A blog post by Brittle said, “Your critique is a desire concealed.” A negative statement of an actual need, as stated by the author. Was it possible to take ownership of the things that you really want in a relationship? Imagine if you took ownership of your request and made a commitment to communicating it as a good hope.”

 

 

 

 

 

Both parties should seek guidance.

You should be aware that most individuals who are critical of others are also critical of themselves when they are in a relationship. As a result of your habit of speaking negatively to yourself, you may not even be aware of how critical you seem to your spouse to begin with.

“Do you instinctively say anything critical to yourself when you make a mistake or say something like, ‘Idiot, there you go again, you always mess up’ when you do?” Then there was Stosny.

 

Does this ring a bell? Experiment with the following. Stosny made the following recommendation: ” Put some of the key remarks you’ve made to your spouse on paper and read them into your phone. Once you have finished recording, play it again to hear how it sounds from a different viewpoint – you may be surprised.

Then consider how you would approach someone you like and respect with a behavior request, Stosny said. “That’s the proper way to approach your partner’s behavior requirements.

 

For those who have been chastised, it is understood that the harsh words of a spouse have an impact on them. “You don’t have to downplay your wounded sentiments,” Smith stated, adding that you have a legitimate reason to be offended.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You could be tempted to lash out by blaming your spouse for anything they did when you are feeling assaulted. Keep in mind that you should avoid lowering yourself to their level of understanding.

 

The advice from Stosny is to “avoid retaliation or betray your character by being critical yourself.” “Consider your partner’s criticism as a manifestation of his or her inability to regulate one’s own emotions.

Taking a deep breath after being scolded is important to do before erecting a protective wall. This may be difficult to do in the heat of the moment. Perhaps you can deduce what disguised request your spouse is making by observing their critique.

 

 

According to Brittle, “If you can avoid responding in a defensive manner, inquire as to what your spouse is requesting.” In order to rebuild a connection as quickly as possible, you must respond to their request as quickly as possible.