MALE ABUSE IN MARRIAGE? WHY AN ABUSIVE WIFE IS NO LAUGHTER
Abuse of males in marriage is a possibility. What is it about men that makes it so difficult to perceive them as abuse victims?
Lucas Glover, a professional golfer, suffered abuse after his wife, Krista, verbally abused him for failing to advance to the following round of a golf competition. Krista was arrested and charged with domestic assault after an argument between Glover and his mother occurred in 2018. Glover stated in the police report that this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence and that his wife would often say things like “You’re such a loser” or “You better win or the kids and I will leave you and you will never see us again,” among other things.
Dr. Timothy Golden, a college professor, said in a TEDx presentation in 2016 that his ex-wife had regularly insulted and humiliated him because of his physical size. Eventually, he claims, she became obsessed with how handsome other guys were in comparison to him, leading her to proclaim chastity until he “made himself more appealing.”
The former army officer and senior business executive Ron Mattocks revealed that his now ex-wife attempted to persuade him that his anger was the source of their marital problems, despite the fact that he had no prior history of anger issues. “I was convinced that my anger was the source of our marital problems,” he said. Her influence persuaded him to believe that his parents were abusive and to break relations with them, as he describes in “When Men Are Victims of Abuse.”
“14-year-old kid wanting to get laid,” she would refer to him as, and she’d often inquire as to when he’d grow up to be a grown man. She subjected him to “many hours of passive-aggressive silence before being forced to speak things out” on a consistent basis. What exactly were his transgressions?… Inadequately displaying photographs by hanging them up too high, making the bed in the improper position, or folding T-shirts incorrectly He was on the verge of committing himself as a result of the relentless assault directed at him and his isolation from everyone around him.
A pattern of actions used by one spouse to retain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship is defined by the National Domestic Violence Hotline as abuse. According to this definition, abuse is a weapon that may be used by both men and women with equal efficacy. The fact is that the majority of society expects males to suffer in silence and without complaint. ‘Be a guy’ is a slang phrase that means ‘tough it out.’
Make no mistake: you are neither a wimp or a failure.” This implies that army commanders, corporate leaders, professional sports, college professors, and many other men are frequently forced to suffer abuse at the hands of their spouses in silence since to speak out would be seen as a sign of vulnerability.
Being a victim of domestic abuse
Even physical abuse may be experienced by men. Abuse can take many forms. A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that “one in every seven males has suffered serious physical violence from an intimate partner at some point in their lives.” Approximately one-third of all recorded contact with the National Domestic Violence Hotline comes from male victims, according to the organization.
According to one meta-analysis, abusive “women are marginally more likely than men to employ one or more acts of physical violence and to use such acts more often than men,” whereas males are more likely to inflict damage in abusive situations. In spite of the fact that data on “intimate partner” violence are more general than those related to the Biblical understanding of marriage, these studies demonstrate that males are also victims of abuse.
It is possible for men to be subjected to sexual abuse by their spouses. A sexually abusive wife may coerce her husband into sexual settings against his choice, such as having their sex life filmed or adding other participants in their sexual activities. Unwanted physical contact may sometimes be a sign of sexual abuse.
Another type of sexual abuse that husbands may experience is known as Made to Penetrate, which is defined by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention as sexual violence when a victim is “made to, or there was an attempt to make them, sexually penetrate someone without consent as a result of physical force or when the victim is unable to consent due to being too drunk, high, or drugged, (e.g., incapacitation, lack of consciousness, or lack of awareness) from their voluntary or involunta
The most widespread kind of relationship maltreatment, according to one research, is likely to be psychological (emotional) abuse. Approximately 8.3 percent of males report suffering emotional abuse in their relationships, according to the findings of this research. Psychological abuse is defined by the researchers as abuse that includes things like “verbal assault,” “dominance,” “control,” “isolation,” “rumination,” and “the use of personal information for degrading.”
Assaulting someone verbally may take the form of intimidation (“You better win or I’ll leave you”), violence (cursing, etc. ), humiliation (“When will you ever be a man?”), or simply silence. Blaming, criticizing, gaslighting, and judgement are some of the other hallmarks of verbal abuse.
MALE ABUSE IN MARRIAGE? WHY AN ABUSIVE WIFE IS NO LAUGHTER
Tim Sanford, feels that the findings of the study are consistent with his counseling experience in his own practice. It’s not as common with [abusive] women, he believes, since there isn’t as much of an explosive reaction. In this case, it’s more of a deliberate picking and choosing. A single abusive occurrence in comparison to ongoing abuse is analogous to getting chomped just once by a T-rex as opposed to being bitten a million times by piranhas, according to the author of this article. In the end, what did Sanford say? “You’re going to die any way.” So it’s abusive in any case.”
Men’s reasons for continuing to live with an abusive spouse.
What sort of a spouse would put up with this type of abuse? The reasons for this, according to counselors who deal with battered males, are many and varied.
apprehension over losing one’s position
He may keep it hidden because he doesn’t want to cope with the social consequences of admitting he’s been harmed — particularly by a woman — yet it’s very uncommon for men to be violent to their wives. When he speaks out about the abuse, he may lose the respect of his employees and the support of his church family. Confessing abuse may seem similar to admitting that one has been a victim of any kind of crime. A lot of guys think that victims are weak, and they don’t think that being weak is a sign of true masculinity. Many spouses opt to continue to suffer in order to maintain their “manly” standing in society.
Belief in one’s own abilities
Men who are in abusive relationships may be concerned about whether or not anybody would believe them if they come out and tell their story. Men are often shown as the aggressors in societal portrayals of abuse. A guy’s role as a victim in his relationship may be difficult to accept for many people, particularly when the man is physically larger than his spouse.
Mr. Golden, the professor who would tell his emotional abuse tale on the TEDx stage, said in an additional interview that he had called more than eight different sources for assistance and that none of them had any resources for males. He said that one therapist informed him, with a chuckle, that males do not suffer from domestic violence.
The media merely serves to reinforce this point of view. Slaps, punches, and crotch-kicks are all fair game for men. Men’s aggression against men is portrayed in the media as comic relief, according to Sanford. The lady hitting the man is ridiculous; it’s a joke. A man who assaults his wife, on the other hand, should be reported to police immediately. Consequently, there is a double standard in place.
Spoken-word comedians’ husbands are likewise fair game for jeering. The poking fun of one’s partner or calling him names is shown as common behavior in many television series. Licensed marital and family therapist Wendy Brown says she sees this in her own practice as well.
“I have couples that come in, and the guy will say things like, ‘She calls me all of these terrible insulting terms.'” It seems like she is cursing at me.” Brown, on the other hand, believes that this is not normal or healthy behavior. This is a little bit beyond the line for me.” If it becomes an assault on your [the husband’s] character or personality, it ceases to be a simple nagging about “let’s work on the relationship or clean up the garage” or whatever it may be.
apprehension of being branded as an aggressive
Mr. Brown points out that spouses in abusive marriages are concerned about being suspected of being the abusers if they defend themselves against their wife’s assaults. “I’m afraid that if I take her and hold her, I’ll be accused of injuring her.”
Abusing wives have been known to contact or threaten to call the police and report her spouse as the perpetrator of the violence. Lucas Glover’s wife called 911 to claim that he and his mother had assaulted her, but the police were able to examine the case and arrested her in lieu of him and his mother.
Anxiety about continuing to be married
Many violent spouses, according to Brown, really care about their wives and want to keep their marriages together. So that she is not seen as the lovely person that others believe she is, they choose not to report the abuse or inform anybody else about it. When there has been a history of earlier trauma, Sanford explains that men may choose to stay in the relationship because it is less painful than being alone.
The fear of losing access to one’s kid or children
As reported by the United States Census Bureau, dads account for just 19.6 percent of parents who have full custody of their kids. The number of males who have full custody of their children is increasing, although traditionally, it has been more difficult for them to get full custody. Many men who have an abusive wife choose to remain because they feel their children would be safer or because they fear losing access to their children, according to Glenn Lutjens, a licensed marital and family therapist in New York. If an abusive wife believes that her husband’s contact with his children will be cut off, she may use this threat as pressure to keep their husband quiet.
Bible verses are being misused.
The Bible is sometimes abused to justify harsh conduct among Christians. Theologian Lutjens describes this as the “spiritualizing inclination to misread or misinterpret Scripture.” For example, in Matthew 5:39, Jesus instructs his audience not to “oppose the one who is wicked. ” Those who slap you on the right cheek should likewise slap you on the other.’ It is possible to understand this verse in the wrong way, according to Lutjens, and to tolerate abusive conduct from your spouse, but he adds that this is not what Jesus is talking about in context.
Some spouses, according to Sanford, may feel under pressure to maintain a flawless family as a result of erroneous biblical teaching. He claims that men may be advised that “whether the marriage falls apart, or if it is saved, it is on him since he is the head of the family.” He argues that this is not uncommon.
A determination to stick it out even when the situation becomes abusive might result from this. ‘I think that’s what I’m supposed to do,’ he may accept all that instruction as a given. As Sanford puts it, “This is just my burden to bear.” Abuse, on the other hand, is not part of God’s plan for a relationship. Even though every marriage goes through difficulties, marriage experts encourage spouses who are in an abusive relationship to seek assistance.
Disconnection from one’s feelings
Golden discusses his upbringing as a male, which included being taught to “suppress how you feel, even when it hurts.” According to him, this is an effective technique on the football field, but it is a far more damaging mindset in everyday life.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, many men do not report or seek treatment for their abuse because “men are trained not to express their emotions or regard themselves as victims,” which corroborates his observations. Mr. Brown goes on to say that males who conceal their feelings are more likely to have an internal disconnect between what is said or done to them and the emotional effect of those words and acts. In certain cases, men who are experiencing this dissociation between behaviors and their emotional effect may find it difficult to identify the damage their abusive partner has done to them. When this is combined with the social expectation that males should be tough, it is almost hard for a guy to see himself as a victim of abuse.
The following are some of the most common repercussions of abuse on the victim:
Depression.
Workaholism and drug misuse are both examples of harmful coping mechanisms.
High blood pressure is a medical condition.
Confidence has been eroded.
Insomnia.
Physical injuries, such as shattered bones, are common.
Low sense of self-worth.
PTSD.
Suicidal ideas have crossed my mind.
How to Obtain Assistance
While marriage continues to be the most beneficial and secure environment in which men, women, and children may flourish, it is critical to identify when things go wrong and abuse of anybody, including men, takes place. Possibly you’re wondering whether you’re in an abusive relationship and aren’t sure how you should proceed. Consider following these basic actions to assist you obtain more understanding of your current circumstance.
Describe what is taking place.
Writing down “what is truly occurring to you over the course of a week or month,” according to Sanford, is a good idea. He also recommends keeping note of how often it occurs. Is this occurring twice a month, twice every ten minutes, or once every ten minutes on the clock?
As an example,
She tossed her cell phone in the direction of my head.
She yelled at me for not properly filling the dishwasher. I was furious.
She checked my text messages to make sure I didn’t say anything that would make her appear bad in front of other people.
Describe the emotional consequences of your wife’s conduct.
Do you feel that your wife’s activities are having an impact on your internal state? Do you have a sense of helplessness? Ashamed? Scared? Isolated? Rejected? According to Lutjens, recognizing the emotional effect of your wife’s conduct is a critical step in assessing whether or not you are a victim of domestic violence. According to him, “If it’s simply about what’s happening and you’re not investigating the question of, ‘OK, what is my emotional response to this?’ it’s just another factual story.” However, although it’s easy to dismiss a list of transgressions as “not a big problem” or “not anything to be concerned about,” Lutjens emphasizes the significance of investigating the emotional
consequences of such behaviors. It’s important to remember that your sentiments are important in your marriage. How does this make me feel? Ask yourself this question without judgment or criticism. or What exactly am I experiencing at this time?
A feelings wheel is a useful tool for helping you identify and label your emotions. Keep in mind that, although we all damage our spouses from time to time, abuse is a pattern of hurtful conduct meant to dominate and manipulate the other person or persons. If your wife is purposely and repeatedly inflicting physical or mental pain on you, you must take action to resolve the situation.
Speak out for yourself.
Speaking up about what’s not working in your relationship, according to Lutjens, is the only way to see a difference in your connection. “There are so many things that are kept under wraps,” he explains. “It’s at this point that they begin to fester.” They just maintain their status quo. “They don’t seem to change.”
Find a safe area where you can express yourself and what you’re going through. A trustworthy friend, family member, or religious leader may be an excellent location to begin your search for assistance. The following is Lutjens’ recommendation for seeking help from a qualified Christian counselor: “Counseling provides the chance to express your feelings and give voice to your experiences.” Focus on the Family provides a free counseling session as a beginning step in the process of obtaining that outcome. Even though it may seem difficult to locate the perfect person with whom to communicate your feelings, pray that God would direct you to someone who is compassionate and knowledgeable.
Plan
Prepare a plan to get you and your children to a safe location. It is possible that you and your spouse may need to be apart for a period of time to heal. After a healthy separation, it is time to assess and address the destructive patterns and behaviors that have developed in your relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline should be called immediately if you believe you are in imminent danger. It is possible that you may need assistance from family, friends, or members of your church group.
While many domestic violence services are geared toward women, there is an increasing number of groups that provide support for males who are involved in violent situations as well. Here are some resources that may be of assistance:
Put your trust in God.
In Psalm 27:1, David expresses his gratitude. As David’s “light and salvation,” God is what he clings to. “Whom should I be afraid of?” he wonders. In times of crisis, fear may prevent us from experiencing God’s rescue and deliverance, yet the Bible assures us that God is our shelter and “very present aid.” To overcome an abusive relationship, you must rely on God’s power. Make a commitment to seeking godly guidance to assist you in escaping the darkness of an abusive relationship and stepping into the light of health and completeness
What you can do to assist an abuse victim
If a guy confides in you about his violent wife, express your appreciation for his candor and bravery in coming out about the abuse. Counselors believe it is critical to confirm the fact that harmful conduct is going place and to address the consequences of that behavior. One of the most common reasons why guys don’t speak out is a fear of being disbelieved or mocked for their opinions. Provide a secure and non-judgmental environment for people to express themselves and process their feelings.
Use phrases like “It’s understandable that you feel undervalued as a result of that” or “It’s not OK for her to strike you” to demonstrate your understanding.
You may also ask clarifying questions to assist the victim in making the connection between the damaging conduct and their feelings. When you’re interviewing someone, ask them questions such as, “How did you feel when…?” in the form of “How did it make you feel when…”
According to the professor who recounted his tale of abuse in a TEDx presentation, it’s critical for men and the people who care about them to be aware of male violence. Golden was finally able to begin his recovery path when he was able to find a men’s group at a local church where he could express his thoughts and get support. Upon further investigation, he realized that he “was far from being the only one who experienced what he had been feeling for so long.” “I hope that as a result of something I’ve said tonight, someone, some man, somewhere, somehow, some way will cease to suffer in silence because someone has listened in a way that has allowed them to be touched by the story… the story of the men, or the man in your life,” he says at the end of his speech, which is a call to action.
MALE ABUSE IN MARRIAGE WHY AN ABUSIVE WIFE IS NO LAUGHTER
