How You Can Keep the Love Alive.
“A few of bubbles, huh?” says the narrator. As they drive home after a therapy session, Shenice says to her husband.
“Nice concept,” he says as he concentrates on his driving.
“However, how can we construct a bubble if only one of us is interested?” Shenice continues.
She gives Darius a steely stare, and he reciprocates with a roll of the eyes.
“Don’t stare at me like that!” Shenice responds with a bark. “Perhaps you’re intrigued but can’t do it,” she adds. “What if I’m not up to it?” We’re dealing about real people with real lives, after all.”
Darius and Shenice, who have been married for seven years and have two little children, have been in love since high school. Despite their great attachment, they are like firecrackers together, one setting off the other without notice.
“Don’t blame it on me!” Darius says, as Shenice rolls her eyes again.
“I’m intrigued,” he replies, “but you were accurate in saying you couldn’t accomplish the bubble thing.” When we go to your parents’ house, I’m not the one who forgets about you.”
“Are you bringing it up again?” Shenice exasperatedly tosses her head back.
This couple’s hair-trigger tempers and the incidents they often cause in and outside their house, alone and with others, are well-known to their friends and family.
Their words and phrases, as well as the recollections of grief and betrayal, are identical whenever they get this way.
Darius and Shenice had clashed in previous relationships, dating all the way back to their childhood. They talk gently in quiet situations; their discussions are original, not rehashes of previous debates; and their humor is more fun.
During these times, they are most likely encased in their couple bubble. Love swiftly escalates to war when each senses a danger signal from the other—which might be a shift in the gaze, a halt in speaking, a roll of the eyes, or a forceful exhale.
Their cheeks flush with blood, their eyes enlarge, their voices get louder, their vocal tone shifts, their limbs tighten, and their lips smack, indicating dry mouth. They seem as predators or foes, not as lovers or as pals.
The amusing banter has vanished, as have references to benevolence and kindness, as well as the freshness of their communication. Instead, their conversation reverts to old topics, unaddressed relationship concerns, and tired accusations and counter-accusations.
What causes all of this?
Darius and Shenice, like the rest of us, have brains that are trained to detect and respond to threats. Unfortunately, our biological inheritance does not ensure that everyone will have a couple bubble. However, it does provide methods for dealing with threats to human existence.
This isn’t to claim that the whole brain is engaged in combative behavior; in reality, only a small portion of the brain is involved in threat detection and reaction. Other components assist us in becoming the most loving, caring, and pleasant versions of ourselves.
Yes, please assist us in forming a pair bubble.
In this chapter, we look at our biological heritage and what it may teach us about avoiding, reducing, and recovering from conflict in both good and bad relationships.
You Will Not Be Assaulted
During courting, couples are prone to expecting their dreams to come true. A couple bubble may grow as the relationship continues and the couple becomes closer and more dependent, and the feeling of permanency may arise. Of course, this is what they aspire for.
However, security may occasionally be accompanied with its polar opposite. As the relationship progresses, fears and expectations that stem from previous experiences of reliance but were not present during courting or dating become active. As a consequence, couples begin to expect the worst from their relationship rather than the best. Because this form of anticipation lives in the deep and wordless area of the brain, it is neither logically deliberate, nor does it inevitably arise in conscious consciousness.
Much of what we do together is based on survival and our animalistic, primal nature. Indeed, one may argue that the human race has lived for millennia thanks to the basic commandment “Thou must not be murdered.” Our human brain is affected by both love and conflict.
However, it is possible that the brain is programmed for conflict first and foremost, rather than love. Its fundamental goal is to guarantee that we, as individuals and as a species, survive. And it’s quite excellent at it.
Unfortunately, the areas of our brain responsible for keeping us alive are also rather foolish. The core philosophy is “shoot first, ask questions later.”
If you were standing on a railway track and a train was coming toward you, you wouldn’t be thinking to yourself, “Hmm, how fast is this train moving?” What is the total number of individuals on board? Where did it come from? “And when will it reach at its destination?” says the narrator. If you did, you’d most likely die very shortly.
Danger necessitates quick response, and our brains’ fastest-acting section is unconcerned with details, mathematics, or any other time-consuming considerations. Its only purpose is to keep us alive. Period.
Is the brain capable of keeping us alive? Definitely. Is it, however, awful at love?
Yes, absolutely! Love and relationships might be at war with our brain’s survival abilities.
The things we do to avoid being murdered are often the same ones that prevent us from entering or maintaining a relationship.
The distinctions between female and male brains have recently received a lot of attention in popular psychology. We know, for example, that men have more brain cells at birth than females according to study by Bente Pakkenberg and Hans Jurgen Gundersen (1997).
The female brain, on the other hand, has greater symmetry and connectedness than the male brain, according to neurologist Paul MacLean (1996). The male brain is highly geared for danger reactivity from an evolutionary viewpoint. Robert Sapolsky (2004) noted in Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers that males are more likely than females to react fast and remain vigilant longer when attacked.
Females, on the other hand, are hardwired to snuggle together for protection. Despite modest variations in men’s and women’s brains and neurological systems, we all have the same basic survival and connection instincts. Our brains’ underlying mechanics are the same.
Does Creating A Couple Of Bubbles Allow Partners To Keep Each Other Safe And Secure?
How Couples Come To Value Autonomy Over Mutuality
Which Is The Best Autonomy Versus Mutuality
