Does creating a couple of bubbles allow partners to keep each other safe and secure?
We obviously can’t alter what occurred to us as children. We may attempt to resolve those early impacts if they are impacting how we feel about relationships today, or if they are preventing us from forming the sorts of attachments we desire in our life now.
Therapy may help some couples accomplish this type of rewiring. Other couples are able to talk about and work through their problems without the need for outside help.
Let’s take a look at what it takes to build a couple bubble where you and your spouse are protected and comfortable.
Making the Agreement
The pair bubble is a commitment to prioritize the relationship above everything else. It entails prioritizing your partner’s health, self-esteem, and distress reduction. It also implies that your companion reciprocates. You’ve agreed to do it for the sake of each other.
As a result, you tell one another, “We come first.”
You’ll be able to solidify your bond this way. It’s similar to establishing a pact or adopting a pledge, or it’s similar to reaffirming a commitment you’ve previously made with each other.
“I don’t want to commit until I’m confident this thing that scares me about you won’t be an issue,” some individuals remark. In my years as a couples therapist, I’ve heard variants of this from both men and women. Religion, money, children, time, and sexuality are all common deal-breakers.
There’s no greater way to turn off a possible partner than to insinuate that he or she is lacking in any of these areas, or to demand that the partner prove himself or herself before security can be guaranteed. This kind of strategy is guaranteed to fail.
To properly understand a pair bubble agreement, partners must buy into it and own it.
They must be in it all the way. When partners don’t respect the relationship bubble and complain that they aren’t getting enough attention, it’s generally because they are getting precisely what they paid for. You pay for a portion of something, and you receive a portion of something in return.
“How can you suggest I have to purchase him or her in order to know whether he or she is good enough?” you could ask. My response is that if he or she is that far off the mark, he or she shouldn’t even be considered.
This isn’t always the case, however. Most of the time, I encounter couples who have deliberately and consciously picked one another but are afraid that issues that surface as they get to know one another better may become deal breakers. Typically, these issues arise from the great characteristics that each individual picked in the other, which they now discover also include unpleasant parts.
For instance, you may enjoy his sense of humor but despise the fact that he makes jokes when you want him to be serious. You may respect her musical ability but be frustrated when she prefers to stroll with you rather than practice the piano.
“Can I just take you with the parts I like, and we’ll agree to keep the rest?” Some partners in this position desire to bargain: “Can I just take you with the parts I like, and we’ll agree to hold the rest?”
Sorry.
This isn’t a burger place where the pickles and lettuce are yours to keep. You want it, so you either purchase it as is or go on. I understand this may come out as harsh. But I’ve told couples the same thing. They usually react by taking stock of the situation. They are aware of the negative impact their ambivalence is having on the relationship. They may then obviously travel in one way or the other.
Are We Prepared?
I’m not advising you to attempt to start a couple bubble too soon.
Sometimes couples discover that a bubble was constructed without their knowledge or consent at the start of their relationship. When Tony and Maria, the star-crossed lovers, arrive to the dance in West Side Story, this is an excellent illustration of this.
Their newly found love is shown as a spotlight on them, as the rest of the scene fades away. Of course, we’ll never know what might have occurred if their love story hadn’t been cut short by tragedy. They would very certainly have had to work hard to keep their relationship afloat.
It’s vital to realize that casual dating and courting aren’t the same as a relationship that’s on its way to or already has a feeling of permanency. We are besotted and fascinated by the delightful hopefulness and mutual admiration we experience at the start of a relationship.
Dopamine and noradrenaline, two substances that considerably improve enthusiasm, concentration, and attention, are abundant in our brains. When we leave one other’s orbit, our brains struggle with low serotonin, a neurotransmitter that helps us cope with anxiety and obsession. “When will I meet him again?” or “Should I call her tomorrow?” are just some of the ideas that keep us linked to this one among billions of fish in the social sea.
Of course, this mutual love fest hides the truth that we’re still getting to know one other. Who cares at the moment, right? We’re a little like a rocket that’s launched with enough thrust to go to the edge of space but would have to discard its booster and use a more long-lasting accelerant to get any farther.
We’re simply delighted to be going for the stars in a new relationship, and we think we’ll work everything out once we get there. But, if we want the relationship to have a chance of succeeding, now is the time to sort it out.
Keeping to It
The pair bubble is an agreement between partners to burden one another with the responsibilities of devotion and caring for the safety, security, and well-being of the other. The degree of shared thankfulness and value you both may have is determined by this common load. When it comes down to it, the couple bubble is the only thing that can keep your relationship together when things become bad.
This isn’t to say you won’t make errors or injure each other inadvertently. It doesn’t rule out the possibility of making a choice that prioritizes yourself above the relationship, nor does it rule out the possibility of doing so. Whatever happens, these things will happen. It does, however, imply that you will stick to your essential agreement: “We come first.”
When one of you makes a mistake, the other will gently remind the other: “Hey, I thought we promised to do this for each other.” The offending spouse may swiftly rectify the issue by saying, “Oh yes, my bad.”
The Bubble Trouble Meter is a fun game to play.
The next step after you and your spouse have made a couple bubble agreement is to keep track of it. Despite the fact that an agreement has been reached, preserving the bubble is a lengthy procedure. It’s still going on. It’s as though the bubble takes on a life of its own.
As a result, you should check its pulse on a regular basis.
You will create a bubble difficulty meter in this assignment. That is, you will recognize the signals that your relationship bubble is failing to give the protection and security it was intended to provide.
- Over the following week, keep track of how close you and your partner feel to each other. Naturally, proximity will ebb and flow to some extent. What you want to do is keep an eye out for instances when the ebb is severe enough to need a warning.
- Pay extra attention to those times when things go wrong. So, what happens next? How do you feel, and how does your spouse feel? What are some of the things you say to one another? You could notice, for example, that you leave your spouse alone during such times. This is a warning for your meter.
- Make a note of all the indications you see. Give your companion a copy of them.
Discuss how you might re-create and enhance your bubble to avoid more stressful events. Keep in mind that the bubble protects you both! Keep it clean and polished every day since it’s yours.
We’ll go through how to keep your relationship bubble intact in greater depth in following chapters.
The First Basic Principle
The articles’s primary concept is that by constructing a pair bubble, partners can keep each other safe and secure. You and your spouse can construct and maintain your bubble by working together. You’ve agreed to do things for each other that no one else would be prepared to do, at least not for free. In fact, and this is critical, anybody who promises to do what couples must do for each other with no strings attached is most likely looking for something from you (e.g., sex, money, commitment). Watch wary if you’re in a committed relationship and someone else seems eager to take your partner’s place. There is no such thing as a free lunch, as the phrase goes.
As a result, the relationship bubble is something you both work on. Keep in mind, though, that you are liable for your half of the bargain. You continue to do so because you believe in the idea, not because your spouse is or isn’t willing to follow suit. It only works when both couples behave on a principled level rather than on a “You go first” basis.
Here are a few guiding concepts to help you: - Put your focus on your partner’s feeling of safety and security, rather than on your own concept of what that should be. What makes you feel comfortable and secure could not be what your spouse expects of you. It is your responsibility to understand what is important to your spouse and how to make him or her feel comfortable and secure.
- Be careful not to burst the bubble. Neither of you should be concerned that the relationship bubble may burst since it is built on a basic, implicit, and total feeling of safety and security. Acting ambiguously, or choosing a position that is somewhat in and half out of the connection, jeopardizes the stability you’ve built. If this continues, one or both of you will be pushed into an auditioning position, and you will lose all of the advantages of your carefully formed bubble.
- Ensure that the bubble is respected and maintained by both parties. This is not the same as codependency. Codependent spouses live for or through each other, disregarding their own needs and desires, resulting in anger and various forms of emotional pain. When couples construct a pair bubble, on the other hand, they both agree on the principles and act accordingly. For example, I may state that my partner should be accessible to me anytime I need him or her, but I must also be available, without waiting for him or her to go first. Then, if my spouse fails to follow our agreed-upon values, we’ll have to communicate. If one of us continues to betray our values, one of us will undoubtedly be dismissed.
- Think about how you’ll utilize your couple bubble. It creates a secure environment where you and your spouse can always ask for support, depend on each other, and share your weaknesses. It is your main source of support and defense. For example, anytime you and your partner enter social events, particularly those with unpleasant individuals, you may develop a strategy ahead of time to ensure that you and your spouse are both covered by your bubble. Work together, like Greta and Bram did, so you may metaphorically hold hands throughout the event. Holding hands means being in touch with one another, keeping watch of one another, and being accessible at any time.
Use any method you want: eye contact, physical touch, whispers, hand signs, smoke signals, etc. Discuss how you’ll deal with tough individuals as a group. In their company, you could physically hold hands or sit close to one other. - we’ll go through how to keep your couple bubble safe. Meanwhile, keep in mind that breaking apart to cope with tough individuals or circumstances exposes you to risk. You may be very formidable if you work together.
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