How to Deal with People Who Refuse to Reconcile
As it turns out, estrangement is more widespread than we may believe. Approximately one-quarter of the participants in a random study of 1,340 people disclosed that they were alienated from a close relative, according to The Guardian. When I took part in numerous recovery programs, I met a lot of individuals who were in similar positions to myself.
Reciprocal relationships are difficult to forge, particularly when the breach has arisen as a result of neglect, rejection, abuse, or an addiction to drugs or alcohol. I just came across a tweet from Mary, who said that she was alienated from her daughter Sara and was unsure about what to do next. She requested for prayers for the repair of the relationship, which she received.
I had a soft spot for her. In an ideal world, individuals like Mary would be forgiven for having offended them in the first place. Unfortunately, life does not operate in this manner. Broken relationships are difficult to repair for a variety of reasons, including trust difficulties, neglect, desertion, abuse, and other factors. So, what can be done to reconcile with those that are adamant about not reuniting?
When People Who Refuse to Conciliate Understand Why They Refuse to Conciliate, Here Are Some Tips for Dealing with the Situation
Mary may be perplexed as to why her daughter has refused to talk to her and has avoided her at all costs. Being walled off from the rest of the world and not understanding what was going on made her feel helpless to alter the circumstances.
There is a possibility that Mary has done all she could to reunite with her daughter, including accepting that her daughter is grieving, admitting any mistake, and apologizing for her role in the separation. Every year, those who are in a similar circumstance may send emails to the estranged individual, inquiring about his or her life and hobbies, as well as birthday and Christmas cards.
Other individuals, such as shared acquaintances and family members, may be able to give insight into why the relationship has ended in this situation. A mental health expert may also be able to assist you in exploring some of the options available in treatment. In some cases of alienation, misconceptions serve as roadblocks to reconciliation. People who are estranged from one another may cling to previous wounds and anger. Other individuals in our life may be able to assist us in dispelling any preconceptions that the person who refuses to interact with us may have.
Recognize our Contribution to the Situation
In our current situation, we may be completely innocent of any crime. However, it is possible that we have done something wrong, such as speaking or doing the wrong thing, or that we have crossed a line. It’s possible that our words or actions have eroded their confidence in us.
We must quit rejecting our responsibility and blaming others for our acts and accept responsibility for what we have done. Accepting responsibility allows us to begin the process of healing ourselves and our relationship. If Mary follows these steps, she will be prepared in the event that her daughter contacts her. Mary might begin to restore the connection by admitting her mistake, apologizing, and offering to make restitution if necessary, all of which would be helpful.
Exhibit a willingness to change your ways.
Working on problems that may have led to or caused the breakup, such as drug and alcohol misuse, is essential. In these situations, we may be required to demonstrate that we have corrected our poor conduct, that we are willing to be held responsible, and that we are trustworthy.
We must forgive the other person as well as ourselves.
We may be resentful of the individual who has severed contact with us. Our rage will act as a roadblock to a peaceful resolution. Forgiveness, on the other hand, heals our wounds and allows us to put the event behind us.
Possibly, we will have to accept responsibility for our words and acts that led to the separation. We will make bad decisions as a result of our feelings of guilt and shame, which will have a detrimental influence on our relationships. The past is the past; we must let go of our grudges towards the estranged individual in order to begin a new chapter in our lives. We can’t go back in time and alter what has happened, but we can make wise judgments regarding our future.
Allow them some breathing room.
It’s possible that we’ll want to get in and attempt to solve things. We could show up like a bull in a china shop, prepared with explanations, reasons, apologies, and pledges to do better in the future, but we won’t go far. These behaviors might aggravate the situation by causing them to get more agitated. It is possible that the damaged person could refuse to accept them. In the aftermath of a traumatic event, individuals tend to retreat and want space.
We will be tempted to coerce them into reconnecting with one other.
Some of the weapons we may use are as follows:
Claiming that the affected persons are being too sensitive and thereby dismissing their sentiments
Comments that make you feel guilty, such as “I love you and have given a lot for you.” “You owe me money.”
Making the claim that we are elderly and do not have much longer to live.
claiming that we are in terrible health and would get sicker if they do not come
Other manipulative tactics may include abruptly approaching the persons who have been hurt. These strategies are almost certain to fail.
In posting her tweet about her daughter, Mary was probably feeling eager to get back into a connection with her daughter. Her impatience was driving her insane with frustration. For the time being, all she can do is indicate that she is interested in healing the relationship. If we are patient and patiently wait, we may be able to find a solution in these instances.
Seek Help if You Need It
We need individuals in our life who will stand by us and provide a sympathetic ear when we need it. Professionals in the field of mental health can assist us in processing our emotions and making choices. People who are present in both of our lives may be able to provide us with insight into the probable reasons of the schism. Mary’s friends and relatives may also be able to clear up any misunderstandings the daughter may have had about her mother, which may have affected her decision to cut off her mother’s link.
Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship.
Grieving for our losses is something we should allow ourselves to do. We’ll miss them, particularly during the Christmas season. It will be painful if the damaged parties choose to ignore us when we pass each other on the street or at social gatherings.
When we want to reconcile with the people we care about and they don’t want to, estrangement may be quite difficult. We must accept the fact that we cannot control the other person and force them to restore our connection to our standards. We may, on the other hand, work to remove any obstacles that stand in the way of reconnecting and being open to change.
After all, as the saying goes, “it ain’t over til it’s over.” We should not give up on our dreams. It is possible that the doors of reconciliation may open when we least expect it.
No Way to Reconciliate
The tendency among those of us who deal with families in crisis, particularly those who are separated from one another, is to see reconnection and reconciliation as the most desired result.
However, this isn’t always viable to do.. It is possible for an alienated family member to have a variety of good and relevant reasons for not reconciling right now — or at all — including the following:
It is possible that a parent or an adult child is poisonous and unrepentant, unable to compromise, or uninspired to make the adjustments you believe are essential in order to maintain a healthy and long-lasting relationship.
Having a family member who has been abusive may be a source of constant anxiety and fear, and being in close contact may cause you to relive the trauma of your childhood.
When a loved one passes away during your time of estrangement, the sadness of losing this person irreparably and forever comes with it, coupled with the agony that caused your gap.
The termination of a love connection of any kind — whether familial, friendshipal, or romantic — has occurred, and one or both of you have gone on, but the grief and feeling of loss continue to be there.
Was there anything you could do to help heal, restore, and make good changes in a key relationship in your life when there was nothing you could do to help?
1.One should grieve for what has occurred as well as for what may have been.
The realization that reconciliation is not conceivable — that this key person in your life may likely be gone for good — may leave you feeling completely bereft and devasted. The act of allowing oneself to mourn may be quite therapeutic. When you are grieving, you are moving ahead. Grief is a process that includes stages such as bargaining, denial, rage, and/or sadness, among others. For a short period of time, denial might provide respite. When you are angry, it may help you to see things more clearly and give you the energy you need to stop feeling like a victim and start feeling more like a master of your own destiny. Within a reasonable amount of time, you will be able to come to terms with what has happened — never forgetting the hurt, but learning to look beyond it to new possibilities.
2.Allow yourself and the other to be forgiven, and let go of bitterness and blame.
This may seem like a difficult task. The alternative, holding onto your rage, will be like clawing a wound that will never heal, causing your feeling of well-being to be eroded indefinitely. “I did the best I could at the time,” you can remark while asking for forgiveness. However, it was just not feasible to come to terms, and that was OK with me. Because of who they are and what they have encountered in their own life, you may be able to say the same about the other person over time, knowing that they did the best they could with what they had at their disposal. It’s possible that it wasn’t very excellent. It’s possible that what they said or did will never be forgiven or forgotten. However, it is in your best interests, not theirs, to let go of the guilt and responsibility.
In the course of treatment, you may decide to seek peace and forgiveness for yourself. Getting regular exercise and meditation might help you cope with emotional challenges. Taking time to consider the positive aspects of the relationship could also be beneficial. Possibly as a consequence of this person’s effect on your life, you have developed an interest in a certain kind of music or literature. He or she may have given you a specific gift or expertise that you have developed through time. In other words, if your relationship was violent, threatening, or made you feel unsafe all of the time, it may have encouraged you to take good chances and strive for independence earlier and more forcefully than your peers who came from safer, more stable homes.
3. Recognize that there will be particularly difficult days and periods.
You may find that the Christmas season is the most difficult time of the year for you to deal with. It’s also possible that you’ll think of this person on a more specific significant day, such as their birthday or an anniversary, or when you hear a certain music. Occasionally, it can seem like you are taking a step back rather than forward in your life. Healing is never a process that proceeds in a linear and systematic manner. Detours and dead ends are part of the process, as are periods of renewed delight.
4. Create a loving environment for yourself.
This might involve believing that you are loved despite the fact that the person in question could never love you in the ways that you so badly wanted it to be true. It may include establishing a new family circle that includes close friends and extended family members who may be more supportive and caring than your immediate family and who may provide emotional support. People who are closest to us by blood are also there because of circumstance in certain cases. That may be rather pleasant at times. It isn’t always the case. Those we chose for ourselves, on the other hand, may turn out to be a great gift in our life.
5. Recognize that your grief does not define who you are or what you believe.
You may find that your sorrow has become a part of who you have become, and that it has assisted you in being more understanding and compassionate with others. However, even if it seems to be the most significant or most vital aspect of your personality, it is not. This is not meant to belittle anything you’ve gone through, on the contrary. You should, however, take a vacation from your studies. For the time being, concentrate on the love you have in your life, on the things that make you happy, or on the things that you like doing, experiencing, and learning about. The anguish of alienation is just one aspect of who you are and what you do.
