How Often Should You Have Sex? Sex Therapists Say
In Tammy Nelson’s office, almost all of the couples and individuals who come in want to know the same thing: Is my sex life with my spouse normal?
As a sexologist and author of The New Monogamy, Nelson said that people want to know whether they are getting enough sexual intimacy, the proper sort of sexual intimacy, and whether or not their spouse is asking for too much sex. “They’re concerned that they should be doing something completely different in bed,” she says.
Nelson often responds by telling the same thing to every person he meets.
“Forget about what you think is ‘normal.’ A washing machine setting called ‘normal’ is nothing more than a setting on a washing machine. She added that “what’s most essential is that you learn to have empathy for your spouse and accept whatever their needs may be, even if they are different from your own.”
Listed below are the recommendations of Nelson and other sex therapists for couples who are worried about their sex life (or lack thereof).
Do not be concerned with how often other couples engage in this behavior.
Totally forgot about keeping up with the Joneses’ very busy sex life: Each relationship has a “norm” when it comes to sex, and that’s the only thing you should be worried about, according to Dawn Michael, a sexologist and author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me.
For example, “if a couple was having sex three times a week for many years and they are now only doing it once every seven days, the pattern has altered and the frequency has decreased,” she said. When we talk about it, that’s what we talk about.
When it comes to sex, Michael emphasizes that there is no “magic” number to achieve and that most couples who seem to be having a good time are really lying.
Many couples may claim to have sex three times a week, but based on my observations in private practice, that figure does not correspond to the fact.
What you consider to be normal now may not be considered normal in a few years.
Instead of looking for an average across the country, Chris Rose, a sex educator for the website Pleasure Mechanics, says that what counts most is evaluating how sexually content you are right now in your life.
According to her, “Your shared sex life is a continual navigation between the tides of your libido, the tides of your time and energy, and the mutual desire to prioritize sex.” “Increasing the amount of emotional contact you exchange outside of the bedroom, as well as having frequent chats about your sex life, may possibly be the most crucial aspects in a long-term sexually satisfied relationship.”
If you’re the partner who has a larger sex desire than your spouse, don’t lose heart.
Someone has to be interested in your sex life in order for it to continue to be enjoyable. As a result, you may find yourself in what is known as a “dead bedroom scenario,” according to Ian Kerner, an author of the New York Times best-selling book She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasing a Woman.
Getting your sex life started may be difficult at times, as he points out; sometimes, concentrating on arousal rather than orgasms and just enjoying the buildup is all that is required.
In his opinion, “I advise couples that for many individuals, sexual desire does not come at the beginning of intercourse, but rather near the middle,” he said. In order to generate desire, you must be willing to engage in some kind of stimulation (kissing, making out, dancing, reading erotica, or viewing porn) on a consistent basis. “Be open to generating arousal and seeing where it takes you.”
Investigate if there is a physiological basis for your partner’s diminished sex desire.
The fact that you are not interested in sex does not mean you should feel ashamed of yourself, according to Celeste Hirschman, a sex counselor and co-author of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion. When it comes to romantic relationships, desire discrepancy is more widespread than most people think.
If you want to see a shift in your life, as Hirschman’s co-author Danielle Harel suggests, you must be ready to go deep into the reasons why you are uninterested in sexual relations. There are a variety of reasons why you could be having difficulty in the bedroom. It might be that you’re going through physical and hormonal changes and finding it unpleasant to engage in sexual activity.
“A partner with a low sexual drive may not be receiving the kind of sex they want or may be experiencing excessive pressure from their spouse, which causes them to feel compelled,” Harel said. To be forced to have sexual relations is not a sexy feeling, according to the author.
Keep in mind that good sex is impossible to measure.
Instead of staring at the ceiling and wondering whether your sex life is “normal” in comparison to others at the end of the night, snuggle up with your spouse and relax. Preventative measures should be implemented: Nelson recommends reaching out to your partner and discussing what you both want in the bedroom.
Her advice was to “experiment.” “Consider cuddling more, masturbating more, or negotiating an open relationship if that’s what you’re into, but make sure you constantly communicate about what is essential to you,” she said. No bitterness or anger should ever be held in silence.
“The key to having a fulfilling sex life is not just receiving the sex that you desire, but also knowing how to give your partner what they want,” she said.
Your Teens Are Most Likely Sexually Active
In a recent survey, it was shown that sexual activity was prevalent among adolescents all around the United States, with about 60% of youngsters having had sex by the time they complete high school.
No matter where youth reside in the United States, normal adolescent growth involves growing sexual activity and, for many, the decision to engage in sexual activity, according to Laura Lindberg, main author of the study and a senior research scientist at the Guttmacher Institute.
For the research, data was gathered from the 2019 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System, which is administered by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) (CDC). Data from 130,000 high school students in 40 states was collected as part of the study.
Across the country, 38 percent of teenagers admitted to having had sexual relations with another person.
With each grade level, it seems that the percentage of teens who claim they have had sexual experience is rising. Consider the following example: in freshman year, slightly under 20% of high school students reported having had sexual experience; by senior year, over 60% reported having had sexual experience.
“These results come as no surprise to me at all,” Mary Sullivan, director of the Teen & Young Adult Health Center at UVA Health, told HuffPost. On the study, she did not participate.
According to HuffPost, Sullivan has spent decades working with teens on matters like as sex and contraception. She expressed her hope that the research would spark dialogues between parents and their children, which she says are frequently difficult for both of them.
Nevertheless, how should it be done? Parents may remark something along the lines of: “I read this research and thought it was quite intriguing.” That’s interesting. What are your thoughts?” The importance of normalizing the fact that sexual activity may be a common aspect of being a teenager, according to Sullivan, is vital so that youngsters feel comfortable sharing their feelings with their parents.
Parents are instructed to “modulate their reaction” when kids open up, Sullivan says. She also points out that she often hears from youngsters who assume their parents were upset when they talked about sex when in reality, she believes those parents were merely worried.
As Sullivan said, “taking a deep breath might sometimes be enough.” When it comes to early conversations that don’t go well, Sullivan says parents have lots of possibilities for “do-overs.” Parents are encouraged to speak to their children about sex “early and frequently,” according to organizations such as the American Academy of Pediatrics.
According to Lindberg, “kids genuinely want to hear from their parents.” “Even when they don’t know all of the specifics or information, they regard them to be their most trusted resource.”
She believes that, when confronted with evidence that plainly demonstrates that the vast majority of American teens are sexually active to some extent throughout their high school years, parents would know that remaining silent on the subject is not an option.
“Too frequently, when parents communicate their ideals and facts with their children, it is too little, too late,” Lindberg said.
She and her co-authors suggest that the findings of the research have significant policy implications.
Seven of the ten states with the greatest percentage of sexually experienced teens are located in the southern United States. Despite this, six of the ten states with the lowest condom usage are located in the southern hemisphere. And the South has six of the ten states with the lowest prescription contraceptive usage (such as the birth control pill and IUD).
According to the authors, state legislation should let minors to get contraception without their parents’ agreement. Only little more than half of the states in the United States have laws that specifically permit adolescents to get confidential medical treatment.
The results, according to the researchers, demonstrate a strong need for comprehensive sex education in all schools. At the moment, 29 states that provide some type of sexual education in schools believe that abstinence should be emphasized.
Adolescents, according to Lindberg, “require access to information and services.”
“We can’t let the fact that they live in a different state prevent us from providing them with the care they need,” she added.
