I understand why money is considered to be one of the least exciting topics to discuss. You’d much rather talk about the most recent episode of that Netflix program you both like watching or the tale of how you met than anything else.
However, whether we like it or not, finances are a huge part of our lives and, as a result, a huge part of our relationships. Money choices include more than simply the check dance that determines who pays the bill at the conclusion of a night out on the town.
Even as your relationship progresses to the next level of seriousness, the difficulties of money and managing it will become more important—moving in together, getting married, and having children are all financial considerations, no matter how unromantic it may seem.
So make money a topic of conversation from the beginning. The continuation of your relationship after you have asked important financial questions will help you avoid future difficulties. You don’t want your finances to be the thing that causes you to crumble and lose your mind.
Instead of giggling about how much you love one other and how beautiful your wedding sig oth is, consider addressing some crucial money questions before moving on to the next stage of your relationship.
1. What are your objectives?
2. What do you see yourself doing in the next 10-15 years?
3. What are some of your favorite things to spend on?
4. What is it that you prefer to save money on?
5. In the event that you were to win the lotto tomorrow, what would be the first three items you’d buy with the money?
If you’re serious about changing your life…
It may seem a bit forward, and it may even feel like an invasion of privacy, but understanding key aspects of your partner’s financial situation is vital when you’re making long-term commitments to them and planning for your future together. It will assist you in determining whether your financial and future plans are in sync, and it will make more serious conversations such as moving in together and getting married easier.
6. Do your parents presently cover any of your financial obligations?
7. Do you wish to pursue a higher level of study in the future?
Which of the following is your favorite way to spend your “fun money”?
9. Do you anticipate your partner to work full-time, part-time, or not at all throughout your marriage?
10. How did your parents handle their financial resources?
Which splurge would you never be able to live without again?
If you and your partner are moving in together…
If you’re going to be living with someone, you have a right to know the specifics of their (and your roommate’s) financial situation before moving in. After all, you not only want to ensure that this is a commitment that both of you are capable of making, but you also want to establish that you both have comparable values when it comes to homemaking and financial matters as well.
Also, make certain that the reason you are moving in together is not purely financial or simply a matter of expediency. It may be tempting to move in with your parents when you’re already spending every night with them because it would save you half the rent, but keep in mind that you’re making a significant life commitment by doing so. Furthermore, ensuring that you are not doing it for financial reasons will save you a lot of heartache (and money!) down the road if you are not happy in your relationship but are financially unable to leave it.
12. Who will be in charge of paying the bills and overseeing the financial management of the organization?
In terms of owning a house, what do you believe is worth spending money on (rent for a nice location vs rent for a large space, food, and so forth)? 13. What exactly isn’t?
14. What amount of money, as well as what percentage of your salary, are you prepared to set aside each month for bills?
15. Do you owe anyone any money at the moment?
16. Do you have any money in the bank saved up?
17. How much money do you want to put aside in case of an emergency?
18. What are the reasons for considering a joint living arrangement?
If you’re planning a wedding…
This is not to take away from the excitement of the engagement, when everything is rainbows and butterflies, but if you’re getting married, it’s more than just a religious and emotional vow to be together until death do you part.
It’s also a legal obligation—one that compels you to define your financial situation in respect to the other person’s for the rest of your life. Whether or whether you choose to operate on the financial principle of “what’s mine is yours,” your partner’s spending habits will have an impact on your quality of life. Aside from the nitty-gritty specifics of what to physically do with your bank accounts, you should also ask yourself these questions regarding “what if” situations to prevent future issues in your finances.
19. How much debt do you now owe?
20. Do you have a 401(k) account?
21. What is the maximum amount of money that one of us can spend without consulting the other?
22. When would you like to retire, and at what age would you like to do so? What are our aspirations for retirement?
23. What happens if we really desire children but are unable to conceive? Are we willing to spend a certain amount of money on fertility treatments or adoption?
24. Would you be willing to assist a family member financially if they were in need? What much would you be prepared to contribute?
Twenty-five. Do we have equal say in how we spend our money as a couple (for example: home purchase; investments; childcare; and so on), regardless of who earns more money?
You've outgrown your friendship—now what? Here's what to do.
When I was recently scrolling through my Facebook home feed, I happened to come across a wedding video, which was in keeping with social media tradition. The moment I began to watch, my husband peered around the corner.
Then he inquired, “Who is that?” The only person I could think of was “this girl I used to be friends with.” In fact, she had been one of my closest friends for a long period of time. So, what exactly transpired there? Our relationship deteriorated.
Although the reasons for our separation are understandable in retrospect, I still feel a pang of sadness whenever I think of her. My experience is not unique: we have all dealt with friendships that have taken a different path than we had anticipated, and it can be difficult to deal with these kinds of relationships. In some cases, losing the last thread of connection with a close friend can be more heartbreaking than the end of any romantic relationship.
Here are some signs that you are outgrowing your friends, as well as some suggestions on what to do about it to make things easier:
The two of you are constantly “too busy.”
I’m sure you have a friend who never responds to your text messages. You may also have experienced instances where they have not responded to your emails or phone calls, or they have been unable to accommodate your requests because they are always “busy.” No problem at all.
Given that one of the most fundamental tenets of friendship is (duh) that you communicate with your friends on a regular basis, having that one friend who you can’t get in touch with is problematic at best and annoying as hell at worst.
However, it is critical to distinguish between truly mismatched schedules and a complete lack of interest in the situation. Or, to put it another way, is a disconnect either temporary or permanent.
Even if a person is going through a major life transition (i.e. getting married or having children), it’s possible that they’re simply overloaded with work.
A person may require some privacy during a difficult time, or if they are overworked and stressed at work, they may become too overwhelmed to function effectively. Typically, if it is due to a change in circumstances, a friend will inform you of it. The response might be, “Hey, I’m swamped with a project this week, but I’m not ignoring you!” or “I haven’t felt like chatting lately because of my exhaustion, depression, and anxiety, but I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” Investing in someone who does not prioritize you should be avoided if you keep reaching out and receiving no return.
2. You are not particularly interested in establishing a connection.
Consider the alternative: what if you’re the one who doesn’t show up for your friends because you’re just not in the mood to get together? Figure out why you’re taking a step back in the first place by being completely honest with yourself.
Is this person even someone you like? Do you want to spend $50 on drinks with them while you make small talk? What makes you more excited about scheduling events, or what makes you say no every time someone asks you to hang out? It may sound harsh, but friendship is frequently a simple choice between “have to” and “want to.” It is not necessary to pretend that a friendship is enjoyable or fulfilling if it is no longer so.
Now comes the difficult part: deciding whether to engage in an awkward conversation, be blunt in a way that could offend someone, or simply disappear.
My recommendation is to follow your instincts and do so in a deliberate manner. There is no reason to burn bridges, and the solution could be as simple as indicating that you do not have any additional capacity for friendship at the time of the incident. Be truthful but kind, and then move on so that you can devote your time and energy to those who truly matter to you in your life.
3. You are on the lookout for new friendships.
Every now and then, I’m reminded of the Girl Scouts’ catchphrase: “Make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver, and the other is gold.” The truth is that you require both. When it comes to old friends, however, there are times when they are no longer worthwhile to keep because you have simply grown in different directions. The most beautiful thing about growing out of a friendship is that it creates space for other, better connections to take their place.
Perhaps you’re a newly single person who wants to spend more time out on the town, or perhaps your married friends don’t understand what you’re going through. Perhaps you are caring for a sick relative and require the assistance of others who have been in your position. Perhaps you’ve recently lost your job, and your more successful colleagues find it difficult to comprehend. No matter what you’re going through, be kind to yourself and look for friendships that add to your life rather than take away from it.
Maintain those “old” friendships that are still valuable despite changing circumstances in one’s life, but what do you do if you simply have nothing in common any longer? It’s perfectly acceptable to walk away from those friendships and find new ones.
4. The past is the only thing you have in common.
When I was younger, I knew a group of women who seemed to only talk about one thing when they got together: the past. Of course, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing (I love a good reminiscing session), but it can become monotonous if you don’t make new memories as well. In fifth grade, for example, I met my best friend. We stayed in touch throughout high school, went to college together, and have made it a point to keep in touch every week since graduation.
We can definitely bring up that time what’s-her-name flirted with my boyfriend after cheerleading practice or gossip about the lives of people we both knew back then when we get together. But we’ve both grown up, and we can now talk about anything from health care policy to date nights to favorite books.
We’ve also been there for each other as we’ve matured into the people we are today. While it’s fun to ruminate on the past, your friendships should also support you in the present and future. Instead of friendships that bind you to a specific place and time, focus on friendships that can change with you.
5. You’re always complaining about them.
At some point or another, we’ve all been guilty of judging or criticizing good friends. Maybe you tell your mother about a disagreement or tell her when you think she’s making a mistake. However, if a friendship isn’t working out, you may notice that you’re constantly complaining about them.
You don’t have to be friends with people you don’t like, believe it or not. Avoid toxic relationships that bring out the worst in you because it’s not good for them (or you). Ask yourself why you’re trying to be friends with that person in general if you’re constantly feeling, thinking, or saying snide remarks. You may have outgrown your friendship if they cause you to feel more negative emotions (such as annoyance, frustration, or stress) than positive emotions.
6. You can’t get past a squabble.
Arguments and disagreements are unavoidable, but what happens when you can’t seem to get over a quarrel with a friend? Either you find a solution to the problem or your relationship will end. If both parties are willing to put in the effort because you’re communicating and working through an issue together, conflict can actually strengthen friendships. However, it is dependent on the nature of the problem.
It’s easier to fix a miscommunication about dinner plans than it is to bridge the gap between opposing political viewpoints, for example. Try to work it out if you want to, but if you don’t want to (or can’t), move on.
7. You don’t feel supported.
Throughout life’s ups and downs, good friends are there for you. Sure, it’s fun to celebrate each other’s victories, but it’s also critical to be present during the difficult times. Even worse, when you go out of your way to help friends who don’t reciprocate (raise your hand if you’ve attended a million wedding showers but can’t get all your married friends to show up to brunch).
Friends help one another and communicate what they require in order to feel supported. That final point is critical; what is sufficient for one person may not be sufficient for another. But, at the end of the day, it should feel like a two-way street, with both of you making an effort to care in a way that is meaningful. You know what to do if it isn’t: move on.
8. You’ve run out of topics to discuss.
Some friendships fade over time, and the first sign is when you run out of things to talk about (awkward!). When small talk saves your life at the dinner table, you must decide if this is someone you want to keep around.
The good news is that it is possible that it isn’t personal. I’ve hung out with people I thought I’d get along with only to discover we had nothing in common. Not in a bad way, but more in the sense of “oh OK, so there isn’t any conversational chemistry here.” If you can’t talk to each other, you won’t enjoy spending time together, and you can’t really call it a friendship without those two things. Now is the time to move on and call it a day.
