It would go something like this in real life if it were a boot loader: the ideal meet-cute would have you locking eyes with them and knowing in your spirit that they are The One from the first “hello.” Cut to a montage showing the two of them baking together (with flour all over the kitchen, of course), taking sunset strolls holding hands, and maybe even taking a tandem bicycle ride.
To no one’s surprise, real-life relationships tend to grow in a less dramatic manner than they do on screen. The beginning of a relationship may be difficult to manage, but it can also make or break the success or failure of your partnership. This list contains ten important pieces of new relationship advice to help you get off on the right foot (and figure out whether it’s even worth it to stay in the relationship).
1. Keep your attention on the present rather than on the past.
In a new relationship, it’s normal to carry your worries and bad experiences with you; after all, it’s a survival strategy to save you from having your heart crushed again. However, even if your previous worries and doubts save you from experiencing sorrow, they may keep you from experiencing true happiness in a new relationship. For example, if a previous spouse was unfaithful, you should not mistrust your current partner just because of the experience of your previous relationship.
Concentrate on the characteristics that distinguish your new spouse from others. If they’ve shown themselves trustworthy in the past, you may put your confidence in them.
Similarly, although the “dating history” discussion will be essential at some point, don’t get into it right away. Make use of your first few dates to get to know your partner’s interests, preferences, dreams, and personality characteristics, all while they’re learning to know yours. It is not necessary to describe what went wrong in your previous relationship on the first date, nor is it necessary to inquire about their dating history until you have learned the names of their siblings and the location of their childhood home.
2. Bring up the subject of the future early on.
While it is important not to dwell on the past, it is also important to consider the future, at least in part. On the other hand, if marriage is a non-negotiable for you, you don’t want to wait until after a year of dating to find out that they don’t want to get married. You don’t want to waste your time by asking how many children they want before the salad course arrives on date #1 (and, in fact, you probably shouldn’t).
Although discussing life goals, religion, marriage, politics, and other topics isn’t always enjoyable, it’s important to include your deal-breakers into the discussion as soon as you begin to envision a future together in order to ensure that you’re at the very least on the same page. Also, whether you’re seeking for a long-term commitment or just a brief fling, make sure you express your intentions.
3. Make certain that you are drawn to the individual, rather than the concept of being in a relationship.
Occasionally, we are so desperate to be in a relationship (dating is stressful) that we aren’t even aware that we are more attracted to the concept of being in a relationship than we are to the person we are already in a relationship with. Putting other people into boxes they don’t belong in (or don’t want to be in) or forcing a spark is a danger if you’re too intent on finding Happily Ever After in the first place.
It’s easy to ignore faults or red flags when your mind has already persuaded you that this must be a good idea. As an alternative, take your spouse at his or her word. Assume they aren’t The One right away. Would they be someone you’d like to spend your time with if you didn’t know who they were? If you love their company so much that you’d want to spend time with them regardless of whether or not they’re “The One,” then you’re most likely drawn to them as a person rather than as a potential partner.
4. Don’t forget about the sex discussion!
Obviously, if you are not comfortable discussing sexual health with your partner (including STD testing, family history, and so on), you are not ready to be intimate (or maybe they are not someone with whom you should be intimate).
You may talk about your preferences and hate s, and about what makes you (and does not make you) comfortable while listening to theirs without passing judgment. Of course, you should keep in mind that the “perfect moment” to be intimate will be different for every couple (screw the “three date rule” or any other bullsh*t recommendations), and that just one partner feeling ready is not enough.
5. Get to know each other’s social circle.
Because the relationship is still in its early stages, you may be inclined to keep everything to yourself. It is critical, though, to make acquaintances as soon as possible. When you engage with each other’s crew, you may get a sense of who your partner is and what your relationship will be like in the future. You may not know your partner as well as you think you do if, for example, all of his or her pals are big douches with whom you would never get along (after all, who chooses to hang out with douches if they aren’t also douches, ya know?).
In a similar vein, having your new spouse around your friends may bring to light any possible red flags. Perhaps your pals are seeing something that you aren’t, or your partner may not be getting along with them as well as you would have like. A shared relationship is formed if you both smoothly integrate into each other’s circle of friends. This means you won’t have to pick between spending time together and spending time with your common friends if you all get along well with one another.
6. Do not communicate critically essential information through text message.
It is a modern-day gift when it comes to keeping in touch on a daily basis and sending amusing memes to make your spouse laugh when they are out of the house at work. Texting, on the other hand, should not be used for anything more serious than making plans or laughing at TikTok videos.
It is usually preferable to discuss your emotions for one another in person rather than over the phone or via email. It is not only possible for texting to make in-person communication seem uncomfortable, but a lot may be lost in translation, leading to more misunderstanding. As soon as you sense an argument brewing, call your spouse and tell him or her that you’ll address it when you’re able to speak it out together.
7. Be true to yourself.
Okay, this one is so cliche that I’m ashamed to even put it on the internet. However, I could have saved a lot of time and frustration for a young, single Josie if I had been completely honest and genuine on every first date and at the start of every new relationship from the beginning.
I get why you’re trying to be “calm” and “cool” at the start of the meeting. Your friends will believe that you watch horror films instead of the Hallmark Channel, while they will believe that you like their arty music, despite the fact that you have only listened to Taylor Swift’s first three albums on repeat.
Even if you’re still in the period of shaving your legs before every date (oh, those were the days of innocence), be honest and open about your likes, dislikes, and general sense of identity. Not only will it save you time and heartache dealing with individuals who aren’t a good fit, but it will also aid in the discovery of the perfect person for you.
8. You’ll really enjoy yourself.
Another one of my personal stories is about to hit you: In every relationship, I can recall all the times I fretted about how my hair or makeup looked before going on dates, or how I interpreted all the small signals as a hint that they didn’t like me as much as I had wanted.
Although they are fleeting, the beginnings of partnerships are particularly memorable: the “new relationship bubble” has not yet burst, the honeymoon period seems like it will last forever, and you’re beaming with delight all the time. When your heart is on the line, it’s natural to feel frightened or hesitant to be exposed.
This is okay. But, no matter how frightening a new relationship may seem, remember to take pleasure in it. Take note of all the little details, do new things with your partner, and make sure you’re having a good time.
9. Don’t be concerned with labels (to a certain extent)
With apps like Bumble, Tinder, and Facebook winks (yes, that is still a thing), it may be difficult to determine where you are in the relationship (are you “talking?” “dating?” “hooking up?” “FWB?” “Wifed Up?”).
Don’t get too worked up over where you and your partner are on the relationship scale if there is still some uncertainty. Various individuals have varying timetables for when they feel ready to take each relationship stage, thus differing timelines do not always imply that you and the other person are incompatible or that they do not like one other.
However, you should be clear about whether or not you are both seeing other people, and you should know whether or not you are on the same page in terms of keeping it casual or searching for anything more serious with each other (always be open about what you want). But, apart from that, the term “girlfriend” no longer necessarily means what it did in kindergarten, when it simply meant “I like you,” so don’t be concerned if they haven’t used the G-word just yet.
Remember to call them by their first and last names if you find yourself in the uncomfortable position of introducing them but not knowing how to refer to them. You are not required to explain what they are to you, and attempting to guess will likely result in a great deal of uncertainty.
10. Red flags aren’t recommendations (and they’re not going away anytime soon).
Whether they lie to you, are disrespectful to a waiter, or say something derogatory about a buddy, you can be sure that it is not a “one-time occurrence” and that they will not change. Red flags are instinctual signals that something isn’t quite right; thus, you should pay attention to them.
If you continue to ignore warning signals, you will simply delay the ultimate death of your relationship and make the eventual breakup more difficult for both of you. Nobody is flawless; you may make snap judgments about your relationship, and they may make errors as well.
If it was just a lapse in judgment or a misunderstanding, you will be able to talk it out. If you have a gut sense that “this isn’t right,” or if you are engaging in unacceptable conduct rather than making a mistake, get out of there like the f*cking hell.
11. Take some time apart from each other.
A fresh partnership is a thrilling prospect to see. Indeed, living as a new couple may be so exciting that it’s easy to get caught up in it and lose sight of the routines that made up your previous existence.
Perhaps you are spending less time with your friends or less time on your hobbies in order to spend more time with your new companion. You may think that wanting to be together all of the time is a wonderful indication, but spending all of your time together (and giving up your personal independence and social life) may set you up for a disastrous relationship. Whatever you do, be sure you don’t lose sight of your friends or of yourself.
You should refrain from frequently messaging or phoning, and you should make every effort to behave as if nothing has changed in your friendships (since it shouldn’t have) When searching for a partner, you should not be looking for someone to share your life with; rather, you should be looking for someone to share your own life with.
12. Quit bringing up your ex-partner.
It’s normal to compare your new partner or new relationship to your previous one, especially if you weren’t the one who ended your previous relationship with someone else. Keep in mind, however, that we’re meant to leave the past in the past.
Breaking news: your new partner is not your ex (thank goodness! ), and they do not want to hear about your ex in the future. Sure, you’ll need to have the “dating history” discussion in order to better understand each other, but is it really essential to bring up an ex at any point throughout the relationship? No one likes to feel like they’re being judged by someone else, but it’s also harmful to compare your current relationship to previous relationships instead of enjoying it for what it is right now. Let it go, to paraphrase Elsa’s words (like, for real).
Relations are not 50/50; they are 100 percent of the time.
A piece of the most valuable relationship advice I’ve ever heard is that partnerships aren’t all about compromise or attempting to achieve 50/50 results. Contrary to common belief, you are not permitted to just donate what you believe to be your fair share. Give all you have to a relationship in order to have a happy, successful, and long-lasting one, and expect the same in return. Of course, disagreements may occur (and will arise much more often the longer you are together), but you and your partner should be completely committed to the relationship. Relationship obligations cannot be divided in the same way that a check for a dinner date can be divided.
14. Express your emotions on a regular basis.
The beginning of a relationship may set the groundwork for the rest of the partnership, so pay close attention to how you communicate with one another and deal through issues. It’s never too early to seek the advice of a relationship therapist (there’s no such thing as too soon!) or to study up on healthy ways to handle disputes with your spouse.
Another thing Sex and the City got wrong, in addition to having a big designer closet on a writer’s income, was that your friends should not always be your relationship sounding board. Of course, you should have a solid support system in place, but when you find yourself in a dispute with your spouse, consider looking inside rather than outside to resolve the issue at hand. Instead of instantly whining to your buddies, sit down and talk it out with each other. If you’re thinking of date evenings or sex positions, keep in mind that your spouse is not a mind reader.
Instead of expecting a flawless person, tell them what you want and build a perfect relationship around it.
15. Actions are more important than words.
Even if everyone has a different take on labels, at the end of the day, you should be aware of how people see you and how they perceive others.
Even if they promise to take you on a trip or that they want to introduce you to their parents, if they aren’t making regular arrangements, treating you with respect, and demonstrating their affection for you, it isn’t worth it (instead of just telling you). Confusion occurs when actions do not correspond to words; thus, pay attention to what they are doing rather than what they are saying in order to get clarity. If they really care about you, you won’t be perplexed by their actions.
