Thank you for reaching out to me. I just came out of what my college counselor described to as a ‘identity crisis,’ which I had had before. It was my parents’ expectation that I would go to school for a teaching degree for the bulk of my college years in order to get a “stable” career and live a good life, and they were right (I have very traditional and authoritative parents).
However, during the last semester of my senior year, I made the choice to drop out and graduate with a non-teaching degree because I recognized how miserable I was attempting to join a career that I had little to no interest in at the time. No, I don’t regret making this choice, and in fact, I’m pleased that I did. My parents and I, on the other hand, had a series of disagreements as a result. Their argument is that by choosing not to pursue a degree with a “professional” designation, I was foregoing the chance to acquire a steady full-time employment, and that I would never be financially secure until I return to school.
As of right now, I am employed in two part-time jobs that I truly love, earning about $1500 per month. However, I am under financial stress since I am required to pay to the construction of my family’s new home, which I am still a part of.
For the time being, I am participating in the Live a Better Life in 30 Days Program to find myself. I am also reading career books, saving money, and doing other things in the hopes of one day discovering what I want to accomplish with my life and moving closer to my life’s purpose. The fact that my parents have a plan for me, on the other hand, makes me feel like I’m shackled…. School — Earn money to support the family — Get married…
The age of 22 has brought me to the point where I want to see and experience more of the world, and I have moved away from being the dutiful kid I used to be. I’m not sure what I can do about my parents’ stifling attitude toward my ambitions and ideas. My ideas and visions have been conveyed to them many times, but each time they have ignored me….
What is your advise for coping with parents that put you down and refuse to allow you to make changes when you really want to?
Ting is a slang term for
Ting, how are you? You’re in a difficult position, and I understand your feelings. What you’re going through is something that many people in their 30s and 40s, and not only those in their 20s, go through as a result of their careers. However, although some of us may have had restrictions from our parents as children, others may have experienced restrictions from others, such as an unsupportive spouse, unsupportive instructors, or naysayer friends. Cutting off familial connections, on the other hand, is not as rational as distancing ourselves from bad associates. The fact that your own family is unsupportive of your ambitions, although most of us adore our parents, is very depressing.
In the event that your parents do not share your ambitions
Upon hearing that I was leaving my job to establish my own company, my parents were adamant in their opposition. It was their first response that said,
You won’t be able to earn a living, NO!
Beginning a company is very dangerous, and you should avoid it at all costs!
“Why do you want to leave when your work is so wonderful and pays so well?” says someone.
It’s nice to have a job since it provides you CPF. It is mandatory in Singapore to contribute to a compulsory savings plan (CPF), which is intended to help with retirement savings.
They didn’t bother me since I had already made up my mind and wasn’t seeking for acceptance. I didn’t care about what they thought. I assured them that I was well aware of what I was doing and that I was not discussing my ideas with them in order to get their approval, but rather to tell them of my intentions instead. At the same time, I understood their worries about financial stability, which I had previously taken into consideration while developing my business strategy for them.
My parents stopped trying to discourage me after around nine months. It wasn’t until my first or second year that they realized I was in it for the long haul. The time has already passed ten years, and over the last eight years, they have neither investigated nor requested that I do any more tasks. It is considered acceptance in my family when there is no negative criticism or vehement opposition.
In a similar vein, when I informed them about my intentions to travel across the globe and adopt a vegetarian diet, among other things, they reacted with strong disapprobation at first glance. However, after a period of time spent pressing ahead, establishing myself, and moving forward with my objective, they would eventually come to accept my demands.
In this case, what should you do when your parents do not share your ambitions? Here are my nine suggestions for dealing with unsupportive parents:
Recognize and acknowledge your parents’ worries. Despite the fact that our parents may seem to be nagging us, they generally have a valid reason for their objections, as opposed to them objecting just for the purpose of being a nagging parent.
If your parents do not approve of your chosen profession, for example, Examine the reasons behind this decision. “Why?” you may wonder. Is there a particular reason why they are opposed to your new professional direction? Because they believe you will not be able to make a decent and secure living. The significance of this is as follows: Income stability is essential in one’s life for a number of reasons. At least in our present environment, many aspects of life (housing possibilities, day to day survival and life alternatives) are influenced by financial resources. Having seen the difficulties that may arise as a result of financial instability, your parents are likely to be skeptical when they see you embarking on a possibly harmful road.
Suppose your parents are focused on you being a banker, accountant or engineer and become disapproving when you pursue a degree in anything other than banking or accounting. Why? This is because they believe that these professions would provide you with financial security. It seems plausible, doesn’t it? Possibly not completely, but they are most likely influenced in this manner by what they hear from other parents and by reading the news. In Asian families, this way of thinking is very prevalent. What it does not mean is that financial stability can only be found in banking, engineering, or accounting, nor does it imply that everyone employed in these fields is financially secure (both of which are false), but it does suggest that these are careers that your parents have been taught to associate with financial stability.
Unabatedly, many parents fail to see the other side of the coin. More than simply money is involved in choosing a profession; it is also about finding something that you are passionate about. While they may believe that you will not be able to make a decent living with your new life path, they may be mistaken and you will be even more successful as a result of your new endeavor. Even if they believe that a certain diet is inferior, studies may show that this is not the case. To close the gap, it is critical to first understand your parents’ worries and to make certain that your plans take their issues into consideration.
Contact them and explain your situation.
Is it possible that you attempted to communicate with your parents without success? However, give it another shot! Make use of the following pointers this time around:
Don’t accuse, just understand. Rather of accusing someone, try to comprehend what they’re saying first. For example, don’t say things like “You’re such a close-minded person” or “You always have something negative to say about everything I do.” Request rather than a yes or no answer by saying, “Can you tell me why you oppose [this goal]?” After that, listen without prejudice to what you’re being told. Asking questions and listening to their side of the story can help you understand them as much as possible.
Remove any doubts they may have.
Reassure them after they have a complete grasp of the situation.
If they are against your career choice because (a) they are concerned about your financial stability and (b) they do not want you to suffer in life, explain your plans for your future career, how you intend to protect your finances, and your backup plan in the event that things do not work out as you expect them to. Explain that you are not acting on the spur of the moment, but rather have a plan in place. (Whether you don’t, make a plan first and see if it will work! If they are opposed to your new diet because they believe it is faulty, explain to them why this is not the case and why they should reconsider. It’s unlikely that this will be resolved in a single conversation with your parents, but you may at least start the conversation by stating your case.
Inform your family members.
Our parents were born and raised in a different period than we were born and raised in. In their youth, my parents lived in a world without computers or the internet. Because they are proficient in Mandarin and Hokkien, but not in English, they are considered second-language learners. However, the internet has become an integral component of my daily routines. Almost everything about my company is done online. My everyday contact is conducted in English to a 90 percent success ratio. Simply said, since our society has altered so drastically, we have seen a marked shift in attitudes, values, and behaviors within just one generation. And that’s great since it’s important to inform your parents about the changes taking place in the workplace. While our parents’ opinions may be out of date, it is important to keep them informed about current events.
Explain to your parents what you’re doing and why you’re doing it as clearly as you possibly can. Inform them that a job is about more than simply financial security, and that it may also be about personal satisfaction and fulfillment, as well as other aspects of life. Share your reasons for choosing a certain profession and provide them with examples of individuals who have followed similar routes and achieved success (gather newspaper clippings, print outs from news sites, etc.). Do it on a regular basis, in fact. If they can only read Chinese, Malay, Tamil, or other languages, search for tales in these languages and print them out for them to read at their convenience.
For those who are opposed to your diet, educate them on the advantages of your diet, including case studies of individuals who have flourished while following it. Make use of Olympian medalists and physique builders who follow a strict diet around the clock to demonstrate your point. Exhibit your new diet’s medical advantages as well as instances of individuals who have lived to ripe old age in excellent health while adhering to this kind of lifestyle.
With each repetition, kids will come to understand that there is a whole other world out there and that there is much more for them to learn about it.
Make use of the expertise of a third party. In a situation when it is just you and them, your parents may not take your statements seriously. For Chinese parents, this is particularly true, since they have an underlying conviction that children know nothing and that knowledge comes with experience.
Communicate with them if any of your friends have met your parents previously and/or if you have a good relationship with your parents’ confidants (such as your aunt, uncle, or grandparents) Make a clear statement about your objective and why it is critical. Bring up the topic with your parents and explain why it is a good idea. This will allow them to gain a different perspective. You may find that your parents are more receptive to listening when a different individual speaks.
Make a strong statement about who you are.
You should draw a line and state your position as soon as your parents oppose again. “I realize you’re doing this for my own benefit, but I’ve done my homework and handled any possible problems,” you should tell the person. I’m interested in giving it a go…. My father/mother, I am hoping you would be able to assist me.” If your profession is the source of contention, explain to them that “although money is essential, it is equally vital that I do what I like doing.” It is my goal to find my path while also earning a decent living. I will put in my best effort to do both. Papa/Mama should not be concerned. The work I’m doing will make you pleased, and I’m certain I can complete it.”
You should be aware that you do not need your parents’ permission to pursue your interests. The fact that you achieve your objective is not dependent on your parents’ approval, to begin with. Without their permission, you may still follow your goals unless your parents are actively distancing themselves from you, such as by tossing you out of the home or reducing your allowance (if you are still financially dependent). If they are continually discouraging you, establish your own independence.. Co-working facilities are ideal if you work from home (where you can get good support). To gain some breathing room till your ideas get off the ground in the most severe of situations, consider moving out if it is a possibility.
Reduce the amount of conversation and increase the amount of activity.
There is no sense in talking if you don’t get anything done. If you’ve attempted to communicate with your parents but they haven’t listened, focus your efforts on your objective instead. You should let your accomplishments speak for themselves. Every time you feel discouraged, use it as fuel to drive yourself to attain even greater success. Make your goals a reality and demonstrate to your parents that you are deserving of their faith in your abilities.
Keep them informed of your little victories and failures. In the absence of evidence, your parents will be unable to judge the merits of your decision.
Show your parents whenever you get what I refer to as “success easter eggs.” Show them your first check, for example, when you get it. Inform your customers when you get positive comments. Let others know when their lives have been improved as a result of your efforts. Likewise, when you acquire new customers. To illustrate your desire to travel, show them photographs of your many journeys and the lessons you gained from each one. Alternatively, if losing weight and improving your health metrics is your objective, you should be able to demonstrate them your progress towards that goal.
I was asked about my new business less often when my parents began to recognize my success, as shown by my receiving cheques in the mail, my media interviews and appearances, and my ongoing employment. Eventually, they realized that I had the ball in my court and that they didn’t have to be concerned about me.
Motivate them to participate.
In order to get their support, demonstrate what you are learning and accomplishing. If you want to manage your own company, keep your employees up to date on the newest initiatives, next actions, and impending milestones in your organization. If you want to work as a travel writer, you should show them your trips, assignments, photographs, and other materials that demonstrate your qualifications. Our natural tendency is to reject what we do not understand, but as we learn more about a subject or situation, we begin to see that it is not that terrifying after all. Because of your activities, your parents will begin to be less judgemental and negative toward you, and will instead become more accepting of you and supportive of your decisions.
Exhibit your ability to succeed while also meeting your requirements in spite of your choice of career. The ultimate demonstration of the value of your path is when you demonstrate that you are still alive, day after day, while engaging in activities that were considered to be very hazardous by those in authority. Instead of surviving in the environment, you may flourish there. Enjoying life on a daily basis Making decisions about your life and being clear about your objectives and intentions are important qualities. Obtaining financial success is a goal that many people strive to accomplish. Recognized for your accomplishments. Making a difference in the world You should avoid doing anything that might cause your parents to be concerned. You’re demonstrating that you’re a mature adult who is now capable of navigating his or her own life without the need for outside assistance
Keep in mind that your parents adore and support you.
Remember that your parents are proud of you at the end of the day. It’s unlikely that they would object to what you do if they didn’t care about you and didn’t want to risk damaging their connection with you.
In other words, don’t be hostile toward them. Avoid being negative towards them. Make use of their objections as a legitimate source of fee income for your organization.