What Is The Cause Of Moving Too Fast In Your Dating Life?
What constitutes “normal” behavior. While the Bible is silent on the question of how long a dating relationship should go, we believe that a year, excluding the engagement phase, is a reasonable minimum time frame.. Two or three years is not out of the question for us. For every action under the sun, we understand that God has designated a time and season for it to occur (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
For at least a year, you will have a thorough understanding of the seasons of life that people go through: holidays, fiscal times (such as summer), vacations, school terms, and other events. You can see how the partnership interacts with the natural flow of events in the lives of both individuals. A couple’s ability to determine what type of “fit” they have is greatly enhanced by this knowledge.
Despite this, many individuals meet, date, and marry within a few months or even weeks after one other’s arrival. They feel they have found the appropriate person and believe they are ready to begin a family.
If a couple takes the required year or two to date, they may have difficulty “frontloading” their relationship, meaning that they get emotionally committed very early in the game, rather than going through the process of progressively growing closer over time. The problem remains the same regardless of the method used to approach it. As we shall see, the pair views time as an opponent and aggressively rejects any further passage of time beyond what is absolutely essential.
What’s the point of holding off?
Millions of kids were asked the question by youth expert Josh McDowell, who was addressing the issue of reserving sex until marriage. Why should you wait, take your time, and get closer to someone to whom you are really attracted in a slow manner? This is the same question that you should ask yourself while deciding how soon to become engaged in your dating relationship. Some useful responses to that query are provided farther down this page.
Shortcuts aren’t allowed in relationships.
To begin, we must comprehend the nature of relationships as created by God. This is true not just in dating, but also in relationships with family and friends. Experiences are the only way for relationships to evolve in a healthy way, and there is no way around them.
To put it another way, we only “know” each other to the degree that we have interacted. We may learn information about the person we’re dating, such as their friends, profession, and interests. That does not, however, imply that we “know” them as individuals.
Reading a file on someone will not give you that type of “knowledge.” When Adam “knew” Eve (Genesis 4:1, in King James translation), he was knowing her in the sense of experience, of the profound closeness that comes with good intercourse.
It takes time to gain knowledge. It’s hard to get adequate expertise without devoting a significant amount of time to the connection. Here are some examples of time-consuming dating activities that are required on the path to commitment:
• Meeting and spending time with each other’s friends
• Understanding each other’s strengths and weaknesses
• Discussing fundamental values of what is essential in life to each other
• Getting to know each other’s families
• Getting to know each other’s worlds of work, hobbies, worship, and service
• Taking time apart from each other to reflect on the relationship, both alone and with friends
It’s impossible to envision doing all of this in a few of months.
“You don’t understand,” a lot of starry-eyed couples will tell their pals. It’s like though we’ve been friends for years. “From the first encounter, we were soul mates.”
And, although I know individuals who have met and married rapidly, I believe their success is owed more to their own character than to following the correct procedures.
My Aunt Jonnie and Uncle Walton, for example, have been married for more than 50 years. I saw his marriage proposal to her, which was beautifully framed. When they were both in kindergarten, he wrote it to her.
They must have known they were “The One” from a young age. But I doubt they’d credit their happy marriage to the fact that they were married so young. Knowing and witnessing them for much of my life, I believe they would instead discuss love, correct values, faith, and being able to go through good and difficult times together.
There is no logical need for microwave dating. Follow the seasons of life with the person you feel is God’s chosen for you.
Importance Measurement
Second, the duration of a connection should be proportional to its importance. Simply said, the more critical a choice is, the longer it should take to make. Although this may seem to be self-evident, many couples fail to recognize it. We spend a lot of time trying to figure out what we want to do with our lives.
We agonize about committing to our beliefs for extended periods of time. For months, we’ve been looking into financial transactions. It’s only natural that our most essential human relationship be given the respect it deserves.
Many married couples reflect on their dating experiences and regret not spending more time together evaluating, questioning, exploring, and challenging topics. It’s difficult to think beyond the warm, deep, and passionate sensations that a relationship might inspire while you’re dating. Marriage, on the other hand, is one of life’s most significant choices. Take a look at a few key features of marriage:
• A lifelong commitment to loving only one person
• Forsaking all other opportunities for romantic love other than that person • Being in relationship with all of that person’s bad, immature, and broken parts
• Having your own bad, immature, and broken parts open to that person’s scrutiny
• Resolving conflict in non-leaving ways
• Staying in the relationship even if the other person changes for the worse
This list isn’t designed to make you sad; rather, it’s meant to show you how serious dating can be. It is dangerous to make a quick, emotional, or reactionary choice. A terrible marriage is probably more unpleasant than a bad single state, all other things being equal. Why? Because the framework of intimacy is there in a terrible marriage, but the heart of intimacy is not.
Two individuals share a home, sleep in the same bed, and raise the same children, yet they live apart emotionally. Many individuals quit their marriages after living alone inside the marital contract. With so much at risk, taking the time to get to know someone is well worth it.
Love’s Origins
Another reason to take your time is that learning how to love is a process that requires patience. Dating should not only result in the birth of a mate, but also in the development of the capacity to love that partner sincerely and well. Love, according to the Bible, is a mindset of striving for the best for others. God’s love for us compelled him to send his Son to save us (John 3:16). That kind of love emerges and deepens inside us when we learn how to date properly.
Pacing your relationship, for example, is giving up items you want now in exchange for a bigger reward later. You’re learning patience while suffering delayed satisfaction. You’re learning to care for someone who isn’t yours yet, which may be stressful.
Taking your time in a dating relationship might help you distinguish between necessity and love. Both are about pursuing a connection and are positive components of life, yet they are often mixed up. Need searches after proximity in order to compensate for inadequacies such as loneliness, reliance, or impotence. Love wants intimacy for the sake of intimacy, understanding that the connection will benefit the other person.
If the person you’re dating is pressuring you to commit sooner than you desire, find out why. Unless you’re completely commitment-phobic, most of his justifications will revolve around a need he has, such as:
• Needing the security of knowing he has your whole commitment
• Needing the relationship to feel complete
• Needing someone to connect to in his life
These urges may be motivated by legitimate demands, but they are in no way a reason to hurry. They’re all dependent on you in some way and place you in a parenting position. Trying to reparent someone you’re dating, as we’ll see several times in this book, is one of the worst things you can do. Both sides are frequently confused and hurt.
Is it possible that I’m going too fast?
It’s not always easy to discern whether you’re going too quickly. People move at their own rate when it comes to love. Some people can safely advance at a faster rate than others. They may be more mature in relationships or better decision-makers than others. There’s also the danger of moving too slowly. Consider the situation of a woman who has been dating a commitment-phobic guy for years and has seen no development.
Here are a few ways to tell whether you’re committing too soon:
• Emotionally, you “know” each other better than you “know” each other objectively.
• You find yourself more involved in the connection than in other vital aspects of your life.
• You quit dating other people all of a sudden.
• You hear from friends that things are moving forward swiftly.
Pay heed to the indicators, no matter what they are. As a matter of thumb, it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Why Don’t We Wait?
Why do we see so much overinvolvement if there are so many advantages to dating at a slower pace? People enter the shallow end of love for a variety of reasons. Here are a few of the most important.
Loneliness
Loneliness is one of life’s most difficult yet essential experiences. People may feel unfinished, empty, or even hungry on the inside. It is also a powerful motivator, similar to food scarcity.
Loneliness might drive us to do everything to fill the void inside of us. It’s simple to understand how, once you’ve met someone you like, you might rapidly fill your life with them.
Loneliness is more powerful than determination, willpower, or discipline.
People will make promises to themselves not to become too attached, only to discover that these promises are broken when they meet someone they want to be with. They’ve suddenly started spending every evening together and have settled into a routine as a pair.
Loneliness, on the other hand, is not the enemy here. It is an indication that we are alive when we feel lonely. We were made with a desire to connect with and be linked to God and others.
It’s a wonderful thing, since loneliness eventually leads to relationship, and God wants us all to be in relationship. We are all members of the same organism (Ephesians 4:25). Loneliness is alleviated through relationships.
Dating, on the other hand, is not the kind of connection that alleviates loneliness, which is the underlying issue here. Certain characteristics, such as safety, unconditional love, and strong commitment, are required in relationships that alleviate loneliness.
These components assist the person in receiving the love they need, connecting with life, and remaining in a relationship. These factors do not exist in dating. It is experimental and low-commitment in nature, at least at initially. As a result, lonely people often form strong and lasting bonds with others. They are crushed when disagreements develop because they have invested so much of their hearts and souls in the relationship.
Use it as a signal to connect with some nice, stable, nondating connections if you’re getting too close, too quickly out of loneliness. Deal with your loneliness before it catches up with you.
Leaving Home Is Difficult
During the early phases of courting, some couples may look to be nearly married. They’ll quickly become a cohesive team with their own routines and regular timetable. They may seem to be at ease with one other. In some aspects, it resembles the image of the lifetime soul partner that most people fantasize about.
The image, however, may have a deeper tone to it. Because they have not completed the work of emotionally leaving home, a pair may seem to “couple” relatively soon. They are unable to manage solitary life and have discovered that it does not suit them. As a result, they are more concerned with the status of marriage than with the individual.
A person who has effectively left home is one of the characteristics of an adult. It has to do with separating oneself from one’s family and being self-sufficient and responsible. In early adulthood, everyone requires a time of transition during which they gradually take what they’ve learned at home and build a life for themselves away from home.
This is why college and the early twenties are so crucial: they give a setting in which to learn how to live life independently.
Leaving home encompasses not just the “doing” aspects of life, such as economics, job choices, and house construction, but also the “connecting” aspects. Adults grow out of their emotional reliance on their families. They adore them, but they don’t need them as much as they once did. This prepares them for the “leaving and cleaving” process that God has planned for us (Genesis 2:24).
We separate from our biological families and form our own families via friendships, job, church, and communities.
For individuals who have not yet completed leaving home, singleness is a difficulty. They dislike it and may believe it is an empty, cold, or dangerous way of life. They are still craving for the home environment that they never completed left on some way. That is why they often make hasty decisions.
Marriage is the only way for them to feel “at home.” This becomes an issue when the dependencies manifest themselves in different ways after they have married. One individual, for example, becomes completely reliant on another. Alternatively, one may still prefer Mom and Dad over her husband.
Alternatively, one may now want greater independence from his spouse as he prepares to leave the house.
This problem affects not just those who have never married, but also those who have been divorced. Because they are more used to being married, many divorced persons may overcommit. “I married my ex-husband when I was nineteen, and we were married thirty years,” one previously married lady informed me. “I’m not sure what the rules are for being single.” It’s generally helpful to separate the individual from the lifestyle when dealing with this issue.
Sustaining Friendships Is Difficult
Due to difficulties in forming and maintaining long-term connections, some individuals may overcommit. They will discover that they are not a part of life and that they are unable to properly connect with others. It may be difficult for individuals to put their faith in others. They have what are known as attachment difficulties. Attachment disordered people may not feel lonely. They may even feel relieved when they are alone since their need for a connection has been removed.
I have a buddy who is one of the most gifted artists I’ve ever encountered when it comes to sketching. He creates stunning sceneries. Despite this, he was unable to converse with anybody about anything other than art. He didn’t have much experience with intimacy. Then, when he was nineteen, he met a lady who was quite gregarious and relational.
He fell in love with her instantly and the two became inseparable, married in a matter of months. “She makes it simple to communicate and connect,” he replied when I inquired what drew him to her. With others, it’s difficult.” I understand it, but I’ve also seen her resentment at being her husband’s sole source of life throughout the years.
Perfectionism
Perfectionists, you’d think, would never marry because they’re too fastidious. They’d be afraid of making a mistake, or scared that they’d committed to the wrong person, just to meet the ideal person around the block. Yes, a perfectionist will occasionally put off making a commitment. However, being motivated by ideas may lead to the opposite issue of making hasty decisions.
This is due to the fact that individuals cope with their perfectionism in a variety of ways.
Some perfectionists, for example, fall enamored with someone who seems to symbolize every flaw they lack.
Their pals would scratch their heads, perplexed, and attempt to fit in with someone with whom they have nothing in common. This is often due to the perfectionist’s inability to resolve her own flaws, badness, and flaws, and instead falling in love with someone who has them. She projects onto her beloved what she is unable to tolerate in herself.
She is still in relationship with all of her pieces of herself in this sense, but she is not required to take ownership of them.
This is one of the most probable reasons of “angel” women immediately committing to “devilish” men. What we don’t work on in our hearts typically shows up in the people we pick.
What am I supposed to do?
There are various things you may do if your dating life is becoming too much, too quickly. They aren’t fun and require some effort. It is, however, worth it if you are weary of the roller coaster of passionate but failing relationships.
Determine what is causing the speed to increase.
It might be loneliness, apprehension about going out in public, difficulties establishing friends, or perfectionism. Work on these difficulties as life problems rather than dating ones. The excitement will frequently subside as you gain experience in these areas.
Take care of yourself.
The greatest remedy for getting too close, too quickly is definitely a rich life. People seek to fill emptiness with romantic engagement because nature abhors a vacuum. Ask God to assist you in being more engaged in real life, such as spending time with friends, at work, in hobbies, at church, in service, and with God himself.
Slow down to diagnose the relationship on purpose.
If you can calm down, you’ll be able to see what is underneath the hasty commitment. For example, if the other person does not want to deal with your difficulties, he may feel upset and impatient. Alternatively, you may experience anxious, unhappy, or furious sentiments that the quick pace has shielded you from. If your relationship is mature, it will be able to endure the test of time.
Look into who is contributing to the tempo.
Is it more likely that it’s you, those you date, or both? This will assist you in determining the source of the pressure and taking action to alleviate it.
Request feedback from your friends.
Ask mature, trustworthy people to alert you when you’re acting strangely. Give them license to shout, “Stop!” when they see that mad look in your eye and you’re about to make a big investment in someone.
In the realm of dating, it’s all too easy to get too involved.
Resolving what is driving that pace, on the other hand, may lead to a more balanced and healthy dating life.
• If the connection is progressing swiftly, consider it a signal and ask yourself why.
• Get engaged in each other’s actual life, particularly friendships, to avoid the inclination toward over-involvement.
• Rather of ignoring disagreements, differences, and preferences, deal with them.
• Keep in mind that short, passionate relationships are more likely to burn out or become superficial. True love takes time and there are no shortcuts, but it is well worth the effort.
• Make sure you’re not rushing because you’re trying to escape another kind of suffering, such as loneliness or inner turmoil.
• Pray to God to help you be patient with the process of love and to be able to see its growing on a daily basis.
