What Is Polyamory and How Does It Work?
Which of the following comes to mind when you shut your eyes and imagine a love relationship? Whatever the age, gender, sexual orientation, and color of the partner(s) you’re seeing, there’s almost certainly one thing in common between your vision and the majority of other people’s: they’re both looking for someone to love them. It’s just the two of them.
Although monogamy is the most common kind of partnership, it is by no means the only one. In contrast to adultery, polyamory is a kind of consensual non-monogamy that permits individuals to seek numerous romantic partners at the same time with the understanding that everyone involved is aware of the arrangement.
Contrary to what romantic comedies and the marriage-industrial complex would have you believe, polyamorous relationships are quite common—and they’re on the increase. According to a YouGov study conducted in 2020, up to a fifth of adult relationships are non-monogamous to some degree. Additionally, there are several historical precedents to support it; in reality, monogamy as we know it now has only been established for around 1,000 years.
But what exactly does polyamory entail? What is the organizational structure of these relationships? And how can you know whether polyamory is the appropriate choice for your situation? According to experts, here’s everything you’ve ever wanted to know about polyamory in one place.
What exactly is polyamory?
The theory of polyamory “enables individuals to have several love relationships at the same time,” argues Leanne Yau, a polyamory educator and the creator of the site Poly Philia. “It is a philosophy that allows people to have multiple loving connections at the same time.” For example, the term literally originates from the Greek root “poly,” which means “many,” and the Latin root “amory,” which means “love.”
‘The most important thing to remember about this is that it has to be done with the knowledge and agreement of everyone concerned,’ Yau explains. As a result, polyamory differs from infidelity, which happens when one or more partners in a relationship are ignorant of another’s non-monogamous behavior.
According to Tamara Pincus, L.I.C.S.W., C.S.T., author of the book It’s Called “Polyamory” and founder of the practice Tamara Pincus and Associates, polyamory falls under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy, a term that encompasses all the various relationship styles that are consensually non-exclusive, whether sexually, romantically, or both. (Other types of partnerships include open relationships, swinging, and “monogamous” agreements, among others.)
According to Yau, all relationships exist on a continuum ranging from full romantic and sexual exclusivity to complete non-exclusivity; polyamory may occur anywhere beyond the boundaries of conventional monogamy.
What Is Polyamory and How Does It Work?
It may surprise you to learn that these types of relationships are more frequent than you believe, and that they are growing increasingly more prevalent: According to a YouGov study conducted in 2020, one-third of Americans believe their ideal relationship is not totally monogamic. In 2016, YouGov discovered that 61 percent of Americans want entirely monogamous relationships; by 2020, the figure had dropped to 56 percent. Young people also report that they are more inclined to explore non-monogamy arrangements, which suggests that these arrangements will likely become more common in the future as the population grows.
What Is Polyamory and How Does It Work?
In contrast to other kinds of non-monogamy, “polyamory places a strong emphasis on emotional and romantic connection,” Yau argues. “Other sorts of non-monogamy are more casual and sexual undertakings.” In my opinion, this is a critical distinction between them.” The fact that sex is important in poly relationships does not negate the reality that it is an important aspect of expressing love between many different types of people. But it is not the end-all or even the most important factor in many polyamorous relationships for many polyamorous individuals.
“Polyamory is highly valued by many members of the asexual community for this reason,” Yau explains. They may now have a purely romantic connection with someone who has sexual demands that can be addressed outside of the partnership, according to the authors.
Are there any polyamory misconceptions that need to be dispelled?
Because everyone engaged is aware of and consents to the numerous relationships that are taking place, polyamory is not a form of deception or cheating. Also, polygamy (i.e., marrying more than one spouse) is not included in this definition.
Polyamory, on the other hand, does not imply a lack of love or commitment to a partner; rather, like monogamous relationships, polyamorous partnerships evolve, break apart, and ultimately survive the test of time, as Yau explains in her article. ” “Commitment, to me, and I believe to the great majority of non-monogamy individuals,” she explains, “is less about what you keep out of the relationship and more about what you let in.”
Neither is polyamory an addiction to sexual pleasure nor a never-ending desire for sexual fulfillment. In Yau’s opinion, “to be honest, most polyamorous persons spend more time discussing about their relationships than they do engaging in any sexual activity.” “Instead of sexual attraction, there’s a strong emphasis on emotional bonding.” ) In fact, Pincus points out that there’s a running joke in the polyamorous world that poly individuals have “a penchant for communicating.”
In what ways do polyamorous partnerships differ from one another?
In most polyamorous situations, the individuals involved are linked romantically or sexually via a network of others. As Yau points out, “Not everyone needs to date everyone; in fact, most individuals don’t date their partners’ partners since everyone has different sorts and likes.” She argues that although poly partnerships may take on any shape or form, they often fall into four categories:
Multi-Member Polyamory in a Hierarchical System
Couples that practice hierarchical polyamory see one another as their first and most important priority. Outside of the partnership, Yau explains, everyone is allowed to seek secondary romantic connections; however, there are frequently ground rules or restrictions on how far the other relationships may proceed.
A polyamorous relationship that is not hierarchical
Although similar to the first, this polyamorous arrangement does not include a pair at its heart. “Rather than being forced to defer to a main pair, everyone has the opportunity and the right to discuss their connection with their partner,” Yau adds. According to her, these two types of polyamorous partnerships account for the great majority of all poly relationships.
Solo Polyamory is a kind of polyamory in which two people live together in a single household.
Solo polyamory is a relatively new concept that refers to a person who has several love relationships but does not share any of the conditional indicators of commitment with anyone else, such as a combined bank account, a shared living place, or a wedding. In the realm of polyamory, being unmarried is nearly as good as being married: As Yau points out, “they place a high emphasis on their individuality and autonomy,” but “they also like to have a love connection.”
Polyfidelity
Closed polyamory, often known as poly-monogamy, is a kind of partnership in which three or more persons are involved in an exclusive connection with no access to anyone else outside the group. The arrangement might be as simple as everyone in the partnership dating each other, or it can be as complex as one person having numerous partners, all of whom are monogamous with them. According to Pincus, this is the most uncommon sort of polyamory.
Is there anything you should know before getting into a Polyamorous relationship?
Polyamory may open the door to an entirely other way of seeing your partner(s) and yourself—but it’s not something to jump into without thinking about the consequences of your actions beforehand.
If you’ve found yourself romantically drawn to more than one person at the same time, you may have a tendency to polyamory, according to Yau’s findings. She also points to the fact that “a lot of individuals used to be serial monogamists, in the sense that they would fall in love with other people while they were still in a relationship” as another red flag. Instead of severing such ties, they might pursue a number of them at the same time..
However, as Yau points out, there is a disparity between the desire for polyamory and the ability to put it into reality. “Polyamory is something that a lot of people believe in theoretically,” she explains. In actuality, however, many individuals do not have the necessary time or energy. The degree of commitment required is the same as that required in a monogamous relationship, but double or tripled, she adds. “This is why most individuals can only handle two or three partners at a time,” she says.
It’s also vital to remember that sentiments of envy will almost certainly arise at some point, according to Pincus. Jaundice is certainly not unique to polyamorous relationships—monogamous individuals, for example, may feel a great deal of envy when it comes to friends and ex-partners—and it is not an indication that you are “poor” at polyamory, as Yau says.
Pincus believes that communication is essential in dealing with any fears or concerns that may arise. As she notes, “I don’t believe that everyone in polyamory is always happy all of the time,” or in any other kind of relationship for that matter.
What Is Polyamory and How Does It Work?
“If you’re dating more people, it’s more probable that someone’s grandma is ill or that someone’s child is having difficulties in school—you’re putting yourself in a position where you’re more vulnerable to potentially harmful occurrences.”
You should also examine if you are comfortable providing your partners the same freedom to pursue romance and sex outside of the typical monogamous partnership, which is where the majority of polyamorous couples have difficulty adjusting to their new lifestyle. Even if you’re presently in a monogamous relationship, it’s still worthwhile to give polyamory a try if you believe you’re capable of having these sorts of relationships.
What is the best way to approach your present spouse about exploring polyamory?
There are a slew of compelling arguments for abandoning monogamy: According to Yau, “Some individuals have a sexual fantasy they wish to test out, or they truly want to see their partner’s needs satisfied by other people since they are unable to satisfy them themselves.” “Perhaps they want to go through the process of falling in love again, but they are unable to do it with their current partner since they have previously gone through it ten or more years ago.”
Testing out polyamory may be a thrilling experience, but if you have a monogamous spouse, it is vital that you do so in the proper manner. According to Pincus, who has a chapter in her book dedicated to coming out as poly, the best way to start is to tell them you’re intrigued about it and watch how they respond.
What Is Polyamory and How Does It Work?
For example, if you’re afraid to say, “I want to do this,” it might be more comforting to add, “I’m familiar with these poly folks.” “Can you tell me what you think about that?” she asks. You’ll be able to test the waters without jeopardizing yourself or your relationship in the process.
“Do not act on your sentiments until you have shared them with your spouse,” Pincus advises. “Frequently, what happens is that you realize you’re interested in polyamory and then fall in love with another person,” says the author. To engage in honest conversation about your wants becomes more difficult as things proceed, whether emotionally or physically.
When you tell your spouse, “I have emotions for someone else,” she admits that it is “a pretty dangerous talk to have.” “I’d like to explore the possibilities of dating other people,” she says is “a really scary topic to have.” “However, it’s a lot less frightening than saying, ‘I slept with someone else.'” “Please accept my apologies!”
At the end of the day, polyamory is becoming more fashionable for a reason. The ability to have numerous deep, personal connections, according to Pincus, “actually gives a chance for a sort of support that we don’t seem to get in the rest of the world nowadays.” “Polyamory may assist individuals in developing intimate relationships with a large number of people…. It takes a lot of emotional energy, but it is well worth it.”
What Is Polyamory and How Does It Work?
