The Science of “I’m Sorry”: Why and How
The fact is that although we all want to believe that we’re excellent at apologizing, most of us are really rather poor at doing so. However, learning this deep and old talent may have a significant impact on our interpersonal interactions. As a result, we’re providing you with good advise on the issue this week, courtesy of executive coach Craig Dowden.
The simple act of expressing “I’m sorry” may serve as a trigger for either the building or the breakdown of a friendship or connection.
A research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences looked at how individuals reacted when someone who had insulted them apologized. The findings were published in the journal Psychological Science. Because of the project’s longitudinal design, the researchers were able to study the influence of an apology on forgiveness both shortly after it was made and many weeks after the event occurred.
The researchers observed that when an apology was provided, a person felt more forgiving and less furious toward their transgressor, and that these sentiments remained for a long length of time—sometimes up to months thereafter. In fact, it showed that individuals were willing to forgive their transgressors in exact proportion to the amount to which they offered apologies and other forms of consciliatory behavior.
If the person who was wronged expressed ample remorse and made significant efforts to make amends, the person who had been wronged was considerably more likely to forgive—and to forgive far more quickly—than if the person who had been wronged shown reluctance or took a long time to apologize.
In the end, the researchers discovered that a good apology is beneficial in terms of developing deeper connections and fostering trust among individuals.
An Effective Apology Must Have These Three Characteristics
So, how can we apologize properly, given that it is considered a “magic move”? The PNAS study’s research team discovered three qualities of a successful apology, which they called out as follows:
The Science of "I'm Sorry": Why and How
1. Express regret by saying “I’m sorry.”
The ability to say those three magic words is critical to delivering a good apology. People want to hear an unapologetically expressed sense of remorse. Furthermore, we must specify whatever words or behaviors we are apologizing for in order to be effective.
Recognition of particular offending actions aids in the healing process and increases confidence that something like this will not happen again in the future since we are demonstrating that we recognize what went wrong and understand why it happened.
As an illustration:
It is significantly more effective to say, “I’m sorry for using up the last of the copy paper and failing to notify you that we needed more,” than than just stating, “I’m sorry,” or “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”
2. Make a formal offer of compensation.
This indicates real sorrow for the damaging conduct, as well as a sincere desire to assist in the recovery of the victim. The question, “What can I do to make up for this?” is a straightforward method to do this.
It is critical that the method of reparation be sincere and appropriate for the nature of the offense. It is possible that the gesture may be seen as a ruse to “pay them off” rather than a genuine expression of sorrow.
As an illustration:
“I’m so sorry about using up the last of the copy paper,” she apologized. “I’ll run out and get a new box right now to replace it,” is significantly more effective than just stating, “Sorry about that….” “I’ll tell you what, this afternoon’s coffee is on me.”
Since of this, asking others what they think we can do to make apologies is extremely important, because the person may be able to give assistance in this respect. A well-intentioned contrite gesture, on the other hand, may result in even more tension and anger. In particular, this is critical when we have no notion why the other person is furious with us. Assuming something is true and then acting on it, we run the danger of aggravating the existing situation.
The Science of “I’m Sorry”: Why and How
3. Assume Full Responsibility.
Don’t try to defend your actions in any way (for example, “I was under a lot of stress at the moment” or “I know I shouted at you in front of everyone, but you just informed me the project was behind schedule”). This implies that we are not taking responsibility for our actions and are blaming the circumstances and/or the other person for causing us to be provoked. This diminishes confidence and degrades the sincerity of the apology.
For example, expressing, “I’m sorry, but you didn’t notify me that the copy paper was running short,” is neither effective nor an acceptable form of apologize.
“Non-Apologies” should be avoided at all costs.
If we apologize for upsetting the other person rather than apologizing for our own actions, we are committing the sin of “non-apologizing.”
When someone responds, “I’m sorry if you took it that way,” it is a particularly egregious example of this sort of non-apologetic behavior. In many cases, this comes across as offensive and condescending because it can be interpreted as “If you were smarter, you would have realized what I was really talking about.”
The Science of “I’m Sorry”: Why and How
Finally, and maybe most significantly, make it a practice of only apologizing when absolutely required. When you apologize too often, it might come out as a hurried response, which can reduce its efficacy. The more others see sincere apologies in action—and the more they realize what a high value you put on them—the more probable it is that they will adopt and spread the practice to other people.
It is inevitable to make mistakes. It is our choice whether we allow them to have a negative influence on how people see us or if we utilize them as a chance to heal and improve relationships when they arise. We have the option to choose.
