In my opinion, it has the potential to significantly improve your sex life.
The two of you are laying in bed, your partner’s head resting between your knees, and you’re not exactly giddy with excitement. If only they were aware that your clitoris is an inch higher than the spot where they’re intent on lapping away at your clitoris… You may believe that anything like this would never happen. Is it better for me to simply sit here and wait till they get bored? So, should I say anything at all? Is it possible to draw a schematic?
When it comes to asking for what you want in bed, you may be able to skip over this mental back-and – and go straight to it. Please take my virtual applause if this is the case. You are also welcome to come later if you have not arrived yet. When your spouse inquires as to what you need, you may find yourself at a loss for words. Or maybe they haven’t directly asked, but you know you have to speak out if you ever want to have the sex you desire with them.. You’re in excellent company, either way.
People who want something particular in bed but are unsure of how to ask for it have written to me numerous times as a sex educator and coach, and I’ve responded to each one. A partner’s ego may be bruised by the dread of being exposed, which can be very overpowering.
My experience has taught me that expressing your partner how you want to feel is sometimes just as good—if not better—than asking for a particular action.
The statement “I want to feel more desired than ever” or the specific statement “I want to feel like my nipples are the center of your mouth’s universe” are both acceptable. Several of my clients have told me that this approach has helped them have a more enjoyable time in bed. This basic technique may be very successful, as shown more below.
A less intimidating method of communicating your requirements.
Directly stating something as simple as “hey, this isn’t working for me,” or “a little to the left” may be a daunting proposition. It may be simpler to enter the discussion if you express how you wish to feel.
The fact that we have sexual urges is something that many of us are embarrassed about. Asking your spouse to be a bit rough may be even frightening than bungee jumping while completely nude, even if you know what you want.
In order to express your wants in a more nuanced manner, talking about how you want to feel may be an effective strategy.
The use of this approach may also be beneficial if you’re completely comfortable with being straightforward in principle, but you’re worried about hurting your partner’s emotions in practice. When it comes to our sexuality, our egos are often entwined together. It is important to be gentle with our partners in order to ensure that everyone has a good sexual experience.
There are advantages and disadvantages to doing so.
The objective here, however, is not to be elusive about what you want in order to save someone’s ego; rather, the purpose is to be explicit about what you want. As long as everything is done in a consensual manner, you have the right to have as much fun as possible when having sex with someone. But the idea here is that expressing how you want to feel may make this even simpler, but it all depends on the situation.
Go for it if you know that the only way to obtain what you want is to lay it out clearly and concisely.
Please keep in mind that talking about how you want to feel and being open about your sexual desires are not mutually incompatible! Utilizing all of these strategies at the same time may help you educate your partner of the vibe you want to create, and then provide them with a road map to get there.
In addition, there will be moments when you’ll need to be very direct, whether it’s because your partner isn’t understanding it or because you’re interested in attempting something that requires further conversation about permission, limits, and safety, such as anal sex or face-slapping. Incorporating the emotions subject, on the other hand, may improve the quality of those feelings as well.
Asexual knowledge gaps may be filled by using this technique.
We lack the necessary language to adequately express our desires in bed for many of us. The inability to request particular sexual methods is often in direct conflict with the ability to request such techniques.
A Reaction from Issa Rae on the Fitness and Health TikTok Trends
Since sexual education is severely inadequate in our nation, it should come as no surprise that many of us find ourselves in this predicament. The term “clitoris” is never mentioned in health class, and it’s rare that we even learn how to put a condom on a banana. Generally speaking, sexuality is seen as a taboo subject that should not be discussed in public. Many of us just discovered how to achieve an orgasm by chance. Although I no longer use it, I absolutely like my old showerhead.
Instead of describing activities that we want to experience pleasure, it may be more convenient when we’re uncertain (or frightened) of what to do to get pleasure to just express emotions that we want. However, just because you are unsure about how you want to feel about your body does not imply that you should just explain how you want to feel and hope for the best is the best course of action! You should also make an effort to understand more about yourself, whether that means studying up on anatomy or masturbating more to figure out what you enjoy to eat and drink. To get to my following point, I’ll say a little word about
It may assist you in your sexual exploration.
Identifying how you want to feel is the first step in communicating it to your partner.
On top of that, it’s essential that you learn to be at ease with your own feelings.
So truly think about it: what are the emotions you’re looking forward to having throughout a sexual encounter? Was there a way for your spouse to make those emotions come true? It’s impossible, isn’t it?
It is possible to experiment on your own as a result of this type of thinking process.
Making sexual emotions towards your spouse a topic of conversation further opens the door for future exploration. Your partner will get a peek into your sexual inner life when you talk about how you want to feel after a sexual encounter. This may pique your partner’s interest, prompting them to inquire (and maybe you as well) as to “How can I make it happen.” It is possible to create enthusiasm and potential by expressing how you wish to feel. When it comes to expanding your sexual horizons, this is a fantastic way of doing it.
Inquire about your partner’s desires as well.
The process of discussing how each of you wants to feel may set the stage for improved sexual communication. Even if it may seem strange at first, I strongly advise you to try it. Initiating and maintaining this discussion may be an excellent first step in better understanding your body, moving beyond guilt, and living the sex life you want.
How to Make Oral Sex Even More Exciting
For many individuals, the pleasure of oral sex is one of the greatest pleasures of being human. As a sex educator and coach, you might say that I’m on a mission to spread the word about how wonderful cunnilingus is to offer and receive. I’d want to remind you that the clitoris, which is the rosebud-shaped protrusion at the apex of the vulva, is very delicate.
Although it is possible that there is social and cultural baggage associated with discussing one’s vaginal health and pleasure, there is a great deal of contradictory information available on how to do it “correctly.” I’m often asked for oral sex advice, and the reality is that there is no such thing as a technique that is appropriate for every individual who is receiving or providing oral sex.
Given that not everyone who has a vulva has the same results, my job may be very challenging. For some practical, down-to-earth guidance, I turned to 15 women who had vaginal sex and asked them for their best oral sex recommendations. Of course, these are the recommendations, techniques, and personal preferences of 15 particular individuals. They are not intended to be regarded as commands, but rather as illustrations of the breadth, depth, and variety of preferences and wants available to those around them.
Lastly, while considering how to make oral sex great, keep in mind that you should consider the wishes of both the recipient and provider when making a decision. Everyone engaged has earned the right to have the precise experience they want.
May this serve as an inspiration to you and your partners to enjoy fantastic oral sex!
1. It is critical to have faith in your spouse.
Even in informal settings, this area of your body may seem very personal, therefore you must feel secure in the company of your spouse or partner(s).
In the words of Catherine*, 24, from Chicago, “You can’t have excellent oral sex unless you have trust.” If it’s simply a hookup, I need to know you’re the kind of person who will respect my desires and disapprove of others’ desires.” In order to be present in the moment, communication and being honest about [desires] are essential.”
Allowing yourself to let go of inhibitions and concentrating on what makes you feel good may provide you with incredible pleasure. Laurel, 41, of Los Angeles, claims that the greatest oral sex she has ever had was with a guy who allowed her to feel fully present and exposed—in the best possible manner. In her words, “being in someone’s mouth, letting them do what they want, and being totally selfish in that moment is both powerful and vulnerable.”
2. Engage in foreplay in the lead-up to oral sex.
Many individuals believe that warming up before engaging in any sort of sexual action is essential. When it comes to dating and sex advice, it is often said that penetration may be unpleasant or painful if there is not enough foreplay to make the vagina moist. This is unquestionably true, but oral sex isn’t simply foreplay in and of itself; it may also need foreplay.
Before oral sex, some individuals find that foreplay may help them build the trust that is necessary before engaging in an act that is very personal for them. In the words of Laura, 38, of Detroit, “great sex is a beautiful dance that requires coordinated movement, timing, and response.”
Gabrielle, a 28-year-old woman from Wisconsin, emphasizes the necessity of warming up before oral sex so that it doesn’t seem like a chore or like checking something off a list. “When it’s built up to rather than thrown into, it really alters the experience for me,” she adds.
3. Pay attention to your partner’s distinct and distinctive physique.
Oral sex may not appeal to everyone in the same way. Keep in mind that the clitoral network is complicated. Some people like just external clitoral stimulation, while others prefer a mix of external and internal stimulation, or a combination of both. There are some who like no external clitoral stimulation at all (and there are others who do).
In the opinion of Mal, a 35-year-old New Yorker, the greatest oral sex comes from “someone who is really into doing it listens to my body rather than trying to show off a lot of tricks and tongue skills! In the end, it’s about me getting pleasure, not about him demonstrating what he believes he knows from previous [partners]. We vulva owners are all different, which is why having a partner who understands how to listen to our body communication is essential.”
There is no end to the variety of things we can do to amuse ourselves. This is why it’s so essential to figure out what works for the particular person you’re currently seeing. Oral sex is not a scenario in which “one tongue fits all.” If you believe so, you will be disappointed (and so will your partner).
In her opinion, you can frequently locate a particular place on the clitoris that can take your spouse into another pleasure realm. Melissa, a 25-year-old Brooklyn resident, agrees. The author says that she has discovered this to be true on many occasions as a bisexual woman who both provides and receives oral sex. It’s at 6 o’clock for me—imagine the external clitoris as a clock: the hood is at 12 o’clock and the tiny nub below it is at 6 o’clock,” she adds. To find out which direction, pace, and position causes the legs to twitch, spend some time thinking about it. If you get me at 6 o’clock in the morning, I’ll practically melt into a puddle of orgasms,” she says.
4. Experiment with going slowly.
The 29-year-old Melanie* from New York adds, “Don’t simply go straight in and go hard on my clitoral area.” “I’d want to go on a trip with you. The feeling of having a buildup and being left yearning for it is one of my favorite feelings.”
Michelle*, a 33-year-old woman from Dallas, remembers her most memorable oral sex encounters as being with a man who made it obvious that these specific liaisons were only for her enjoyment, according to Michelle. According to her, “he went down on me many times, and that was our sole objective for the sessions!” “I didn’t feel any rush to get off the plane as soon as possible, which also helped me feel more comfortable.”
Going directly to licking or stroking the clitoris may be overpowering for many individuals, and the stimulation might even be painful as a result of the excessive amount of stimulation. (While this isn’t true for all clits, it is something to bear in mind while dealing with them.)
Try kissing and nibbling the thighs to see how it goes. Make use of your hand to massage the mons pubic area. You may gently run your tongue down the labia. Before placing your tongue on clitoris, lick the whole region with your tongue. Immediately before going into full-on oral, blow on the clitoris—it will stimulate nerve endings throughout your body!
According to Kayla, 38, of Florida, “I definitely need clitoral stimulation for oral sex, but it must begin slowly and gently before progressing to more intense suction or stimulation with a tongue.” If you approach my clit like you’re angry with it, I’ll draw away and refuse to let you off.”
5. It may seem apparent, but licking and sucking are the most important things to remember.
A wonderful location to concentrate attention after a long period of working someone up to all that beautiful oral sex activity is the clitoris. Using delicate licks and sucks, Kayla suggests that you “coax the initial orgasm to come on a little more slowly.”
Krista, a 49-year-old woman from Ontario, concurs that “clitoral licking and suckling is an absolute necessity.”
Britt, a 27-year-old Chicagoan, is even more forceful in her statement. “There is no way I’m getting off without someone paying close attention to my clitoris,” she declares emphatically. “I like a variety of things during oral sex, but if I had to choose one thing, it would be to STAY ON MY CLITORIS AND JUST LICK IT.”
And if something is receiving a good reaction, there is nothing wrong with continuing with that course of action. ‘I like it when my spouse makes little circles over my clitoris,’ says Grace*, a 30-year-old woman from Illinois. There is just this one action, done very slowly and continuously, until I arrive. My orgasms are unexpectedly strong; I usually worry that I won’t be able to get off (since the ride is so sluggish), but I always, always do, and it’s a fantastic experience. To be really honest, it’s a little bit amazing.”
6. Pay attention to your partner’s whole body and energy.
Despite the fact that you’re preoccupied with your tongue, make an effort to pay attention to the person who is getting oral sex so that you may enable them to determine the rhythm. Laura claims that it was her meticulous attention to detail that resulted in one of her most memorable oral sex encounters. When she started to respond, “his speed picked up a little bit,” she remembers. “Rather than attempting to dictate the pace, he let me to do so. And when I eventually had an orgasmic experience, it was a full-body sensation.”
While it is important to express pleasure and permission verbally, it is also important to pay attention to your partner’s body language. In the event that your companion is leaning their hips towards your face, moaning, and begging for more, you’re on the correct road. You should stop what you’re doing and ask your spouse how they’re feeling if they’re pulling your head away from the vulva or locking their legs together firmly. Despite the fact that you are the one who is giving, the recipient is the one who is in command.
7. Ask for permission before you bite. Seriously.
In this case, we’re dealing with a highly delicate area of the body. Even the taste of a tongue may be too intense for some individuals. In other words, you should refrain from biting or nibbling a clitoris unless and until your spouse has specifically asked that you do so. The clitoris is very sensitive, and even the smallest of touches may have a significant impact. “There was no biting, no frantic movements, and no forceful rubbing,” Laura says while describing the greatest oral sex she has ever had, which is something that many of us have experienced as well.
If your spouse happens to be like clit biting, you may just receive the go-ahead to show off your chompers to him or her! Short and sweet: When it comes to dental hygiene, do not show your teeth unless you have been specifically invited.
Consider introducing some new movements after you’ve gotten a feel for each other’s physical characteristics.
Consistency may be a safe option for newer couples, but it can also be very exciting to experiment with new things together. After all, the spice of life is a variety of experiences. “I enjoy it when a guy keeps things interesting,” says Dana*, a 28-year-old Philadelphia resident. “Experiment with various motions, play with toys, and put things inside me to see what happens.” “Of course, you should ask whether I’m alright with that, but I believe that the greatest orgasms are those that are varied.”
When Dana recalls one instance, she recalls that her boyfriend had tied her up and put an electronic vibrator into her leg while licking her clitoral area. When she remembers the experience, she describes it as “all this weight dragging my body downwards, coupled with vibration.” “I came in with such force that I nearly passed out.”
In addition to external clit stimulation, after you have a better understanding of each other’s anatomy, you may experiment with some inside stimulation if your spouse is up for it. External licking and sucking [of the clitus], combined with digital penetration (two fingers inserted) and pressure on the first inch of my top vaginal wall using a pulling motion [is] amazing,” says Jana (33), of Milwaukee. “External licking and sucking [of the clitus] combined with digital penetration (two fingers inserted) and pressure on the first inch of my top vaginal wall using a pulling motion [is] amazing.” While the primary emphasis should be on the
