Reasons Why You Still Haven’t Found Love.
There are advantages to being single for a while. While being a single female wasn’t without its share of hardships and isolation, it ultimately helped me reach a point where I could finally break down some barriers and undertake the introspective soul-searching that had been holding me back.
However, being single indefinitely isn’t something that many individuals actively seek. The majority of us want romantic love and a life mate, yet we often mistakenly go about our pursuits. We keep doing what we’ve always done in the vain expectation that this time things will turn out differently. Even though we are aware that this is illogical, we keep on using our long-established default option.
Neither being alone nor in a relationship is inherently bad.
A personal inventory, including an examination of one’s helpful and harmful habits and decisions, is an essential thing to do at any point in one’s life. Discovering a wonderful, healthy relationship is less about increasing your social media presence and more about being prepared for the commitment that comes with being in a committed relationship. The key is to recognize when your flawed thinking habits are preventing you from achieving your goals.
To get to the bottom of an issue, you must first grasp it. So, let’s take a look at the most common reasons you could remain unattached despite your best efforts and the things you might be doing that keep love at arm’s length. (And I want to clarify before we start that I am not attempting to cast blame or guilt on anybody. I am just going to list some of the most typical ways that women make mistakes when they are looking for love.)
You Require Too Much
The quickest way to turn off a guy is to make yourself dependent on him. There is a difference between wanting and requiring a guy.
To be needy is to seek solace in a relationship or the approval of a man when one feels emotionally empty or inadequate. Many women mistakenly believe that men dislike commitment more than they do neediness. However, most guys do not suffer from commitment anxiety. A guy would gladly commit to a relationship with a woman who accepts and loves him for who he is. On the other hand, he will flee from a woman who uses him to boost her self-esteem or satisfy some need.
A man yearns to feel appreciated by a woman he has worked so hard to win over. Any other guy with a heartbeat might have easily filled the slot, and he doesn’t want that.
Answer: A lack of confidence or feeling of value is the root cause of neediness. You mistakenly think a relationship would fill a need in your life or in yourself, and you feel like something is missing. If you weren’t happy before becoming involved, you probably won’t be pleased after. Instead of moping over being unattached, focus on strengthening your bond with yourself. Make an effort to look and feel your best. Being your best self will attract guys like moths to a flame.
The majority of women tend to fall into one of two categories: either they are very narcissistic and ready to tolerate anything, or they are extremely selective and won’t “settle” for a guy who isn’t perfect.
As I said in chapter two, modern audiences are so used to unrealistic love stories that they have formed an idealized version of love rather than an accurate representation of the phenomenon. While it’s true that love can overcome all obstacles, it’s not enough to sustain a happy and healthy relationship. (I mean, it’s safe to say that the majority of divorced couples have feelings for each other.) An overwhelming sense of joy and unity is what we want to experience. We will dismiss a man and claim there was no “spark” if the first date isn’t intense.
The fact that the majority of women have internalized the rigid belief that it’s “better to be alone than to settle” is another issue. When this belief is extreme, it leads many women to reject fantastic men who otherwise would be perfect for them because of insignificant flaws they perceive on a superficial level. This becomes worse when you’re single for a while because you could convince yourself things like, “I deserve exactly what I want since I’ve waited this long to find the one. I’m not compromising on anything.”
While it’s admirable to have high expectations and a certain kind of man in mind, it’s also wise to be open to compromise and accept that you may not always get your way—this in no way indicates that you’re settling.
Perhaps you find his profession unappealing, his sense of style unflattering, or his interests uninteresting. Even if all of this is true, you must remember that it does not reveal his genuine character. He may be a fantastic, kind, and compassionate human being.
You need a guy with three specific traits that you will not budge on as a solution. Things like his income and the receding length of his hairline are not included in this. A happy marriage is more important than having a lot of money, a good jawline, or six packs of abs. Of course, you should feel sexually attracted to your spouse, but you shouldn’t let yourself become too fixated on the nitty-gritty. Plus, make a note of three things that would ruin the sale. Stop depending on that mental dating checklist you may have made and get some clarity and perspective by doing this.
Furthermore, do not dismiss a person just because you go out with him and do not experience that overwhelming passion. Feel free to give him another go unless there is anything really repulsive about him. Quite a few ladies are much too eager to write off a man before giving him an honest chance. More ladies than I care to count have gone on a few mediocre dates with the guys who would later become their husbands. Had they not given another chance to their future spouses, who knows where they would be today?
Some of the most important traits that I used to insist upon having in an ideal partner do not exist in my spouse. Looking back on our time together, I can see how my ideal partner’s personality type was a mismatch with mine. I was naive about my own abilities and qualities, as is the case for the majority of individuals. I am with someone who is perfect for me, and every day I am more and more amazed by how much I was mistaken about my needs.
Imagine the wonderful surprises that await you when you just allow yourself to be a little more open-minded!
You Aren’t Taking Care of Yourself
Putting oneself in a position to accept love is the most effective strategy.
The key to a happy relationship is timing and finding the perfect person. First and foremost, keep in mind that, in most cases, “like attracts like” in partnerships. Put simply, you attract more of what you believe about yourself.
If you don’t think much of yourself, you’ll settle for a bad relationship because you’ll feel validated in your self-esteem.
If you can’t show any emotion, you’ll end up with an emotionally distant partner. Now, there’s a method to want a connection while yet being unavailable. Maybe you’re putting up barriers to protect yourself if you’re usually on edge or feel that the men you’re interested in desert you.
Get your emotions in line before you can hope to attract a serious relationship. Get into a relationship only if you really want it, not if it would make you feel better about yourself or satisfy a need. You should also figure out how to be content on your own and have a solid grasp on your identity.
Finding a wonderful person who loves you and stays around while the others couldn’t or wouldn’t isn’t going to alleviate the pain of previous rejection, as tempting as it may seem. Relationship problems in the here and now are a direct result of resentment and bitterness from the past.
A self-confident person will be more likely to love you just the way you are and have positive interactions with you. If you lack self-confidence, you will look for approval from others.
My buddy who is often asking herself, “Would I want to date me today?” is the one who came up with the solution.I believe it’s a fantastic activity that will show you where you’re lacking and what you can do to improve.
Make sure you exhibit the same amount of emotional health, confidence, and stability that you want in a man. Who wants to be with an emotional wreck who struggles with insecurity, anyway? You have to act like that sort of female to attract that kind of man.
Once you reach a state of peak self-actualization and begin to reflect the traits you want, you will discover that your love life takes a dramatic turn for the better. You will no longer struggle to attract the kind of partner and relationship you have always dreamed of. Every person’s journey will be unique, but you should do your best to find the one that works best for you.
You Desire Men Who Aren’t Interested in You
Wanting the men who don’t want you is one of the greatest roadblocks to achieving the relationship you want. It appears everywhere. My email is often full of queries from women who are trying to figure out how to catch a guy who does not want to be caught by them.
For a very long time, the only men that interested me were the ones I was unable to commit to, so I consider myself an authority on the topic. Those people who loved me so much that they would sacrifice everything for me? I was not interested in them. They had so much to give, and I wanted to want them, but I couldn’t. Furthermore, one’s heart desires its own desires, doesn’t it?
Kevin is the name of the person I dated before I began seeing my husband. Kevin was the archetypal example of the kind of person I always ended up falling for. Always just out of my reach, he was endearing, captivating, self-assured, entertaining, and full of charisma. In addition, he needed to address some serious commitment concerns and long-standing emotional issues.
He was the prototypical “damage case,” a man with great promise but a host of issues hiding them. The “bad boy” who is in desperate need of rescue. I want, as many women do, to be the one who helped him overcome his fears and commit, to be the one who healed him.
A damaged case is like a pair of very attractive yet excruciatingly painful shoes. You really must have them when you lay eyes on them; they are breathtakingly gorgeous and seductive. On the other hand, they are quite painful to wear. After that, you’ll get the most amazing sensation of ecstatic relief when you take them off. The absence of suffering, however, is the source of this sensation, not the acquisition of something good. Like dating an unavailable person, this is a frustrating experience.
His allure is so great that you can’t help but give in to him. However, all you can feel is agony and suffering while he’s around. Your nerves are jangling as you eagerly await his next message or any indication that he really values you. After that, you get a signal from him that he does, and you’re over the moon. Unfortunately, you’re right back in those excruciating shoes when he pulls back again. His return brings a sense of comfort. The list continues endlessly.
I couldn’t get enough of the rush that came from taking off those uncomfortable shoes when I was a kid. And I believed that sense of letting go would last forever if only X happened. This emotional roller coaster was too much for me to handle as I grew older. Instead of a sudden surge of relief every so often, I opted for a pair of supportive shoes that made me feel solid and comfortable.
It was Kevin who first brought this insight to light. It had been some time since I’d pursued a damage case, and I had believed I’d dealt with that issue until he showed up and twisted me into a pretzel. It hurt my pride more than anything else. By that time, I should have known better; after all, I was a relationship specialist.
I decided to put a stop to this cycle once and for all after experiencing a string of disappointments that began with high expectations and the belief that things would be different but ended with crushing disappointment and the shame that comes with believing in the same tale with a different ending. To finally achieve the kind of connection and love I had always dreamed of by making a change that would endure. At last, I was going to understand why I persisted in pursuing men who rejected me.
I reacted to Kevin smashing me again by sitting down and asking myself some very serious questions. In what ways was this friendship benefiting me? I knew he wouldn’t make a suitable long-term companion, so why did I feel such a strong attraction to him anyway? Just what was he giving me? Despite everything that I did for him, he never once did anything to demonstrate his concern. (There was no response.)
It broke my heart because the only thing I got out of the relationship was fleeting affirmation whenever he seemed interested in me in return. I realized that I no longer fit the profile of a lady who requires such things. Perhaps I did when I was younger, but I’m not that person anymore, and there’s no need to bring up the past to subtly heal any past hurts.
The next thing I did was figure out why I persisted in seeing Kevin despite the obvious fact that our relationship was hopeless. After giving it some serious consideration, I realized that it was more than just affirmation that was keeping me coming back to him. When I was with Kevin, I felt like I wasn’t completely alone and that maybe he understood. In my own world of confusion and pain, it helped that he was a little confused and damaged like me.
I thought about the reasons behind my actions and what I was bringing to the relationship. I don’t understand why I cared so much about helping him. Why was I engrossed in trying to understand his thoughts? I think it’s because I needed to escape from my drama by becoming engrossed in his. My own life and problems took a back seat, which is why I found damaging situations like Kevin so fascinating! At least for a short period, it was good to feel like I was part of something bigger.
The moment I realized the truth, I was no longer interested. I decided to feel sad for him instead of sorry for myself because he wouldn’t commit the way I wanted. He had so many problems, and he couldn’t commit to the wonderful lady who was staring at him.
My long-lost high school lover reappeared not long after I had healed and digested all that had happened. His intense gaze told me on our first date that he was head over heels for me. He had transformed from a damaged brat (at age 17) into a potential husband, and I could see he was serious about us and our relationship. There was no chasing, no evasion, and no guesswork involved. It was crystal clear to me how he felt; there was no need to inquire. The fact that his desire for me did not repel me, which meant that my harm of addiction had been successfully overcome. Instead, it just served to increase his allure.
We tied the knot! (Oh, and just so you know, Kevin is still single and terrified of commitment. No hard feelings, though; I still see him occasionally, and we’re friendly. Thinking about all the emotional turmoil he caused makes me laugh, but then again, he was the one who got me emotionally prepared to be with my husband, so maybe I should be grateful to him…).
Keep in mind that pursuing damage claims is pointless. Tragically, you may desire a man who doesn’t want you back. Do not squander your time; instead, fix the broken circuit that connects you to men who do not value you.
Becoming someone who can accept love is the most important step in finding a relationship that lasts. If all you want are men who can’t return your feelings, you’re stuck; thus, you must decide right now second to force yourself to break free and remove all the barriers that are keeping you from achieving your heart’s desire.
Issues with Filter Mechanisms
Before your relationship ever gets off the ground, a poor filtration system sets you up for failure.
A preexisting filtration system exists in every individual. While heredity plays a role, our experiences have a much more significant impact on this system. We tend to use our interests, wants, and anxieties as a basis for this filtration system.
If you suffer from an anxiety disorder related to rejection, for example, you will only see rejection. No matter how many times someone tells you how amazing you are, it will never really sink in. If anybody shows any interest in you, it will be that one person.
10 individuals will give you 10 different accounts of what a class covered if you hold them in a room and ask them to summarize it at the end. The rationale for this is that we tend to focus on what fascinates us and disregard what doesn’t. The things that people pay attention to and the things that they disregard differ from person to person.
What effect, if any, does this have on your relationships?
Your filter system greatly influences the world you see. You will always find an excuse to justify your anxiety, even when it’s completely unfounded if you think the men you desire would never want you. A self-fulfilling prophecy is formed when one comes to anticipate the action.
Your initial dread will be fueled as you unconsciously begin to act in a manner that turns guys off. This behavior may be very subtle and may not be apparent in anything you say or do. You will pay more attention to the indications that your partner isn’t committed than to those that indicate he is committing if you’re worried that he’ll never commit in the manner you want.
The relationship will fall apart because your fear will show in actions like holding on more tightly or always worrying about when it will end. (I don’t mean the obvious ones, like a man who hasn’t called you his girlfriend in a while; I’m referring to the more subtle ones.)
Everyone who says anything wonderful about your looks is probably just being polite if you think you’re ugly. You tend to cling on to comments that suggest other people don’t think you are attractive and use them to reinforce your own beliefs.
Even when our thinking habits aren’t beneficial, we still have an inherent urge to rationalize them.
Is evidence something you need? Put your eyes closed and choose a hue. Think about the feelings the color invokes, view objects that are that hue, and imagine yourself dressed in that color. Take a few moments to focus on this. When you open your eyes, what do you see? Unless you performed it in a completely white room, I promise it will be that hue. Our minds are hardwired to remember details that we focus on for even a little period.
Our inherent biases cause us to see the world through individual lenses. The events that occur in our lives, as well as our interpretations of those events, mold our reality; it is not objective.
A better filter system would allow you to perceive the positive in every situation, which would lead to increased success in romantic relationships. Recognizing and appreciating the positive qualities inside you and your relationship is crucial. Allowing your anxieties to dictate your actions will lead to self-destructive behavior.
It is necessary to eliminate incorrect ways of thinking first. Remind yourself of the positive every time a pessimistic idea crosses your mind (I’ll never meet a boyfriend…I’ll end up alone…Men always leave me). All parts of your life, not just your relationships, may benefit from this. The way we think has a profound effect on our emotions, and because we have control over our ideas, we may harness their power to great effect.
Keeping a thankfulness notebook is something that really speaks to me. Write down one or two things you’re thankful for every day (and choose something new each day). Doing so will rewire your brain to see the positive side of things. Although it may come off as corny, I can attest from personal experience that this activity has a profoundly positive effect on readers.
“The Ex Factor”
When we don’t do something about it, our history may seep into our present and future in ways that most of us don’t even realize.
I am grateful for all the times I have been injured. Although the pain has helped me immensely by teaching me about relationships (and giving me so much material to write about!), I just discovered how much toxic baggage I had never let go of and how much I still needed to process.
In my experience, the old adage that “time heals all wounds” is only half accurate. Although passing time may make memories fade or even erase them entirely, it cannot mend the hurts that have been caused. Getting over a terrible breakup isn’t a walk in the park; it requires effort and determination.
There are only two possible outcomes for a relationship: it will last indefinitely or it will end. If you want a relationship that lasts, you have to accept the ones that don’t.
I had a hard time putting my whole faith in my spouse and the relationship when we initially began dating, despite my certainty about his intentions. Above all else, I struggled to have faith in my own judgment and self-confidence. Despite my knowledge that my anxieties were unrelated to him, I still couldn’t overcome them.
Since he never done anything to dispel my suspicions that he was not totally dedicated to sustaining our relationship, I realized these sentiments originated with me. On the other hand, my anxieties and phobias might sometimes be set off by apparently little and harmless things. For instance, whenever he attempted to assuage my fears by declaring, “I’m not going anywhere,” I would experience
In such a situation, my defenses would automatically go up, and I would start to act more distant, aloof, and anxious. He was naturally distressed by this and believed I didn’t trust or believe him, but it wasn’t the only thing.
I was able to identify the precise cause after engaging in some introspection. If my anxieties were to arise, Eric would utter that phrase. I was convinced by him. Though the relief was short-lived due to the fact that the connection was completely wrong, their remarks helped me feel safer straight away. I thought he would stay forever despite how terrible our relationship was. He seemed to think he needed me more than he needed him, and I felt the same way about him; I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
I had faith that we would be able to get through the relationship’s low points, even if they were become more regular and severe. I thought we could pull through since we were both committed. However, such was not the case for us. My worst nightmare came true instead: he left me for another woman and lavished her with the affection he couldn’t muster for me. It would be an understatement to say that I was distraught. I chose to party as if there were no tomorrow rather than think about what had transpired. I sealed off every possible entry point for the agony. I had no time to halt; I was moving at a breakneck pace. Not even enough time to feel, much less think.
Over the years that followed, I became emotionally distant from the men I dated and repressed any feelings I had for them. They would fall head over heels for me one by one, but I would feel absolutely nothing. A few of men could get under my skin, and for some reason, I would succumb quickly. I used to become anxious just thinking about his next text, obsess over his every move to figure out whether he liked me, and strategize and prepare my next move to win him over. But
The only men who could make me feel anything in those “relationships” were emotionally distant ones, therefore nothing good came out of them.
However, my subconscious was the source of my attraction to these men, thus my objective consciousness was blind to it. My previous relationship taught me that I was unlovable, that no man would ever love me for who I truly am, and that I should seek out men who were unable to love anyone—a conviction that was repeatedly confirmed. Even when faced with a terrible truth, the subconscious will constantly seek affirmation.
As is common for women who have been through a devastating breakup or poisonous relationship, I let myself get trapped in false self-beliefs and never questioned them.
The depth of the wounds became clear to me almost ten years after the relationship that devastated me. In my pursuit of the love I had always desired, I came to terms with the fact that I had internalized a set of self-deprecating ideas. To rid myself of these notions, I chose to go into the shadows. After taking a step back and looking at the relationship objectively, I concluded it had little bearing on my true identity.
For some reason, I was under the impression that he had abandoned me because I was inadequate, unlovable, and worthless. I ceased to have faith in my own discretion as well. Although he was obviously harmful to me, I remained with him. I had put my faith in him because of the reassurance he would provide when I felt anxious, and I had disregarded all the obvious warning signs. I don’t believe I can trust myself to avoid making the same error again. This experience made me a woman who doubted her intuition, her ability to trust men, and her capacity to allow others in via vulnerability and openness.
In previous posts, I’ve discussed how healthy relationships force you to confront your deepest, darkest secrets. There was still a great deal of personal growth to undertake, despite the fact that I had done most of it before I began dating my spouse. The first step was coming to terms with the fact that this relationship is polar opposite to my last one; I’ve changed so much since then that it would be foolish of me to make the same errors again.
To put it simply, the subconscious is an emotional machine, not a rational one. I had to convince myself that some things, like the idea that he may abandon me at any moment and that I needed to be vigilant lest I miss a warning sign, were not real, even if they seemed true at the time. Taking a step back and looking at things objectively might help you see how naive and misguided your ideas really are; after all, feelings aren’t facts.
I was able to replace some of those outdated, false assumptions with more positive, upbeat ones when I understood what was going on. My anxiety subsided, and love flowed into my life. My partner saw the shift right away, and we became more closer as a result.
One possible solution is to reflect on your previous hurts and attempt to pinpoint any emotional scars that may be lingering. Reflect on your first take on events to identify any self-defeating assumptions you may have made. After that, fix those problems in whichever way you see fit. The effort is always well worth it, albeit it may be challenging at times.