Reasons Why Social Rejection Doesn't Have To Define Who You Are
As a teenager, do you recall the agony of being excluded from a social circle that you belonged to? It is most definitely something I can do!
The day Charles, who I thought was my best friend when I was a senior in high school in Washington, DC, informed me that the group of five guys with whom I was planning to create a yearbook page had told him, “I’m just not sure I want to be remembered as being friends with Tony Silard,” is a memory that comes back to me as vividly as if it happened yesterday.
After that chat, I withdrew inside myself and stopped putting up as much effort to be their friend as I had been. Instead, I began socializing with pupils from a neighboring foreign school, including those from Holland, India, and Iran.
As a result, the foreign students didn’t appear to be concerned with the popular labels I had been labeled with at my high school (such as “geek” and “nerd”) and seemed to be more interested in who I was as a person, which surprised me at the time.
The rejection was manageable, and I was able to channel it into development and interest with various cultures, which have become self-defining through the years and have led me to spend around half of my life abroad and marry a Mexican lady.
It is so easy to be rejected when you are online.
Fast forward a few decades to the digital age, and the following is what you see: Consider the increased ostracism that young people are today facing at the hands of classmates who they believed to be their friends via the channel of texting, emailing, or using social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram.
David Molak, a high school sophomore from San Antonio, Texas, is an example of someone who would have difficulty constructing this image. His peers sent him a barrage of abusive text messages about his physical looks, and David was fed up with it.
On January 4, 2016, he took his own life. “I witnessed the sorrow in David’s eyes three nights ago when he was added to a group text just to be made fun of and thrown out two minutes later,” Cliff, David’s elder brother, said on his Facebook page. “It felt like an hour ago,” he said, staring out into the horizon. The agony in his voice was palpable to me.”
Imagine if, after being insulted and informed that you are nothing and are not wanted as a friend, you are sitting at home alone like David Molak rather than immersed in a social milieu of other youths, as I was, some of whom are nice toward you. This is what happened to me.
These simple acts of human compassion may be all that is required to offer the buffer you need to get over the poisonous feelings connected with feeling alienated and to regain some sense of self-confidence and inner strength once again. As a result, according to a research conducted by the National Institutes of Health, victims of cyberbullying are more likely than victims of in-person bullying to develop severe depression.
It is most typically via instant messaging that incidents of cyberbullying occur, with around half of all incidents occurring at a victim’s place of employment.
For a Moment There, I believed you were a friend of mine
The bullies are often either former friends or present “foes,” which is surprising (friendships in which both affection and aggression coincide). 90% of bullying cases go unreported because they are a source of humiliation and enhanced social status for the victim, and because the bully benefits from them.
Often, the distinction between bully and victim is more blurred than you may expect. An experiment done by UCLA psychologist Jaana Juvonen on a sample of sixth graders revealed that 9 percent had been bullied, 7 percent had bullied others, and 6 percent had played both roles.
Regardless of their participation in the bullying, all of the kids who were subjected to it had academic setbacks as well as difficulties interacting with their peers.
However, although the victims of bullying were the most socially excluded and emotionally distraught in the sample, individuals who had functioned as both bullies and victims had the greatest levels of academic and behavioral issues, as well as difficulty getting along with others.
In the digital age, there are a variety of social costs that teens must bear in order to socialize with others.
But it’s important to realize that it wasn’t their decision: we’ve unquestioningly embraced the emergence of a few social media firms, as well as the ramifications that have followed for the way our children have developed. It is important to remember that when we point the finger at someone or anything, even Facebook or Instagram, three fingers are pointed back at us.
Being Rejected and Coming to Terms with It
While rejection is painful, and bullying can easily add salt to injury, we must remember that both rejection and acceptance are necessary components in learning how to establish what I refer to as “CMSRs” (Confidentiality, Mutual Understanding, and Self-Respect) (Compassionate, Meaningful, Sustainable Relationships). A similar concept is contained in my upcoming course, Managing Loneliness: How to Develop Meaningful Relationships and Enduring Happiness, which will be available in the coming months.
The underlying meaning of “NO” is “Next Option,” and we must absorb this concept if we are to join the ring of social connection building, which is essential for your capacity to survive and grow in this lifetime.
Never accept a gift of rejection or hostility from a “friend.” If someone gives you one, refuse to take it. You should instead seek out new connections that have the potential to develop into the CMSRs you need.
Have you ever noticed how some individuals are discouraged from trying again after being rejected, while others come back stronger than they were before? Everyone has felt the sting of rejection at some point, yet psychologically strong individuals utilize that suffering to grow stronger and become better.
Whether you were turned down for a social engagement or passed over for a promotion, rejection is painful. The way you react to rejection, on the other hand, might have far-reaching consequences for your future.
Here are five strategies that psychologically strong individuals use to endure rejection:
1. They Acknowledge and Express Their Emotions
Mentally strong individuals accept their feelings rather than suppressing, ignoring, or denigrating them. They acknowledge when they’re humiliated, upset, disappointed, or discouraged. They have faith in their capacity to confront painful feelings head-on, which is critical to dealing with their discomfort in a healthy way.
Whether you’ve been passed over for a date or turned down for a promotion, rejection is painful. You will only suffer longer if you try to downplay your suffering by telling yourself — or someone else — that it was “no big deal.” The most effective strategy to cope with unwanted feelings is to confront them full on.
2. They see rejection as evidence that they are pushing the boundaries.
People with great mental fortitude understand that rejection is evidence that they are experiencing life to the utmost. They anticipate to be rejected from time to time, and they are not hesitant to pursue their goals even when they believe they are a long shot.
If you never experience rejection, you may be living too far outside of your comfort zone. You won’t know whether you’re pushing yourself to the limit until you’ve been turned down on a few occasions. When you are rejected for a project, passed over for a job, or turned down by a buddy, you will know that you have put yourself out there.
3. They Show Compassion to Themselves
Rather of saying to themselves, “You’re so dumb for believing you could achieve that,” mentally strong individuals treat themselves with care. They reply to negative self-talk with a kinder, more encouraging message.
Whether you were abandoned by your long-term partner or were caught off guard by a recent dismissal, beating yourself up will only keep you down. Speak to yourself in the same way you would to a trustworthy friend. Drown out your harsh inner critic by repeating useful mantras that can keep you psychologically healthy.
4. They refuse to allow rejection to define them.
When someone rejects them, mentally strong individuals don’t draw broad judgments about them. If one firm rejects them for a position, they do not proclaim themselves incompetent. Alternatively, if they are rejected by a single love interest, they do not infer that they are unlovable. They are able to put rejection in correct perspective.
One person’s view, or even a single occurrence, should never be used to define who you are. Don’t allow other people’s perceptions of you determine your self-worth. Just because someone else has a negative opinion of you does not imply that it is correct.
5. They Gain Knowledge Through Rejection
People with high mental fortitude ask themselves, “What did I gain from this?” so that they might learn from rejection. Rather of merely enduring the discomfort, they transform it into an opportunity for personal development. With each rejection, they increase in strength and become better.
Rejection may be a valuable lesson, whether you learn about areas in your life that need development or just discover that getting turned down isn’t as bad as you expected. Make use of rejection as a learning opportunity to go on with more insight.