5 Ways to Restore Him to His Former Self
Women often ask, “What are the top indicators of an unhappy marriage?”
I don’t have to tell you how annoying it is to have a spouse that is constantly nasty and furious.
When your spouse is dissatisfied with you, it hurts. Or you may be pessimistic about everything! It’s both lonely and depressing. I mean, is he the same guy to whom you said “I do”?
Even if that fun, lovely guy has vanished, the good news is that you can resurrect him.
Here are four methods to reclaim the guy who drew you in if you’re suffering from Miserable Husband Syndrome.
1) Speak These Three Delightful Words
It’s normal to want to assist your husband, particularly if he’s going through a difficult time.
That’s what a good wife, in my opinion, should do. Then I did it for a time, assisting my husband with his job, finances, clothing, nutrition, and other matters. I was an expert at pinpointing the source of the issue and troubleshooting to find answers for him.
However, he wasn’t very good at implementing my ideas, so nothing changed. Worse, he soon stopped wanting to be intimate with me or be near me at all. The couch seemed to be hotter than I was now.
I had no clue that “helpful” in a wife’s vocabulary translates to “controlling” in a husband’s. I was impersonating his mother. It’s no surprise he refused to have sex with me! (For the record, men are not attracted to their moms.)
How have you attempted to “assist” your guy, and how has it worked out for you?
What if you tried something different? Like letting go of your attempts to get him to tell you what’s wrong? Getting over the fact that you made him “wrong” in the first place? Or letting go of the fix-it mentality the next time he’s ranting and simply listening instead?
Three beautiful little words are a great tool for demonstrating that you appreciate what he’s expressing, whether you agree or disagree…
“I understand.”
He’ll feel more comfortable opening up and sharing more with you the more he hears those magic words. As a result, he is able to pinpoint precisely what he need.
That doesn’t mean you have to accept everything he throws at you. If the negativity is dragging you down and listening to one more word would leave you angry, upset, or resentful, saying “I hear you” and respecting what you want to do is a wonderful way out.
After several I hear you’re over here, I can no longer sit on the couch, even if I’m working on my laptop, without my spouse scooching over to be near me.
That’s what occurs when you give him the space he needs to sort things out, allowing him to his own devices but being available when he’s ready to speak.
2) Be patient while while being proactive.
When someone is depressed, any criticism or judgment may seem to be kicking him while he is down.
When it’s the most difficult to catch him doing something nice, that’s when he needs it the most.
When was the last time you told your guy what he has that you admire? What are his strong qualities, whether it’s how he provides for the family, his handyman abilities, or the funny way he interacts with the kids?
This may seem to be a difficult task at this time. Why should you have to kiss him up when he’s so obviously wrong?
At least, such was Cecilia’s impression. Because he was in such a bad mood, she had totally lost track of her husband’s finer points. He was miserable, drank excessively, and was spinning out of control.
She was all over him, telling him what he should and shouldn’t do, particularly when it came to his drinking.
Nothing seemed to help. It had gotten to the point where she believed he was going to die. He ended up in the hospital at one point, pre-diabetic and on the verge of a stroke.
It was terrifying. There was obviously a need for reform. But, unfortunately, none of her attempts to alter it were successful. So Cecilia rethought her strategy and did something radical: she gave up control. There will be no more instructing him what to do or not do.
She also stopped concentrating on all of the signs that he was sick, such as his blood work (which was a terrifying read anyway).
She went a step further and began looking for proof that he was in good health. She rushed to locate any proof since it was so limited. Aha! The fact that he was drinking water was a good start.
“I enjoy seeing you so healthy!” she said loudly, expressing her gratitude. So be it if she sounded like a lunatic. She was ready to take that opportunity in the hopes that this experiment might change things for the better.
She was able to turn things around.
Cecilia announced the next year that her husband had recently completed one year of sobriety in his alcoholism rehabilitation. In addition, he’d shed 75 pounds!
His self-assurance was sky-high, and the closeness was fantastic–”super enjoyable,” as she put it.
They were calculating their macronutrient intake as a group. Who was this mysterious man?! He was a guy who brought home information on a personal trainer since he wanted to join the gym as well.
Cecilia isn’t the only one who can materialize powerfully. It’s called the law of attraction, and it states that whatever you concentrate on expands.
What have you been concentrating on and unintentionally increasing?
How might you shift your attention to the reality you desire?
Prepare to discover exactly how strong a manifestor you are. (Don’t tell me you weren’t warned!)
3) Locate Your Happy Spot
With Eeyore around, it may be difficult to seem cheerful. Perhaps you’re fine–until he comes through the door. That’s understandable. With a black cloud hanging over your head, how are you expected to appear happy-go-lucky?
The issue is that you, as the woman, are the relationship’s keeper.
That, in my opinion, is a fantastic “issue” to have since it implies you have complete control over the culture you wish to build.
Betty’s spouse has a history of drug addiction and mental illness.
She realized she couldn’t make him happy, but she could take responsibility for her own pleasure.
With her busy job schedule, it was difficult to find time for self-care. She discovered a method to stop working over the summers and work less during the school year. This gave her more time to go on long motorcycle trips, spend time in nature, play with her dogs, and devote herself to spiritual self-care.
These may seem to be insignificant reasons for her to give up her job. But here’s what occurred when she prioritized her own well-being…
When she was pleased, she realized how gleaming and magnetic she was to her spouse. He began phoning her throughout the day to say hello and began arriving home sooner. He’d arrange trips and enjoyable activities for the two of them on long weekends and other free time.
He also received the help he needed to let go of the weight he’d been carrying.
Focusing on her own pleasure while leaving his happiness to him was both courteous and appealing.
Betty stopped transmitting tension and overwhelm, just as Cecilia had stopped broadcasting her own worry and seeing it mirrored back to her. Her spouse received the message that he was safe opening up to her when she began radiating happiness instead (thanks to those magic words in step #1).
What would be the best way for you to fill up on your personal happiness points? What kind of self-care would help you feel better–physically, emotionally, spiritually, and socially–so you can reflect back precisely what you want to see?
4) Enlist the help of a professional
That is, for yourself.
This may seem to be backwards. The majority of “experts” will advise you to have him seek professional assistance. Perhaps you’ve already tried it. If that’s the case, you’re well aware that you can’t force him to get treatment since you can only manage yourself.
Sure, you could issue an ultimatum to him. “Either seek assistance or I’m done,” he may say.
Maybe you’ve gotten to the point where you can say it and mean it. Because you are the expert on your own life, you are the only one who knows for sure.
Trying to control him, even with an ultimatum, can cost you the connection and happiness you truly desire if you really want to preserve your marriage and attract back the fun guy you married.
Men despise being dominated and will withdraw even more.
Why not set the tone by seeking professional assistance yourself if you perceive a need for it? A excellent relationship counselor or marriage support group, such as the Adored Wife Facebook group, may be very beneficial.
You shouldn’t have to do it alone at a moment when you might most benefit from assistance.
If your marriage is crumbling, you may believe it’s too late to use this checklist to resurrect your happy spouse. But, to paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen–they happen all the time when women on our campus discover the bravery to experiment even when they believe it’s hopeless.
Identifying the Signs of an Unhappy Marriage and Knowing What to Do About It
Most, if not all, marriages will go through a rough patch over time—but when does a rough patch become a marriage that is completely unhappy or loveless? It may be frightening to contemplate the prospect that your marriage is gone, or even to notice the symptoms in the first place, but if you both want it, you can get back together. According to marital therapists, these are the major indications you’re in an unhappy marriage and what to do about it.
There are 16 indications that you’re in a bad marriage:
1. There is a continuous barrage of criticism.
Constant criticism indicates that judgment has taken the place of emotions of love and warmth for one another. According to Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, licensed therapist and co-founder of Viva Wellness, if you’re constantly criticizing each other, it’s not a good sign. “Criticism or name-calling is a major boundary breach,” says Shane Birkel, LMFT, a certified marital and family therapist.
2. Your relationship has devolved into a sexless one.
Another indication of an unhappy marriage is a sex life that is almost non-existent. Or, on the few occasions when you do have sex, it’s not wonderful. Of course, not having sex all of the time isn’t always a terrible thing, and some couples choose to be sexless. It’s not so much about how frequently married couples have sex; it’s about if you like having sex with your spouse and are satisfied with your shared sex life.
3. You find it difficult to spend time together.
It may seem like a job or like you’re being pushed to be near each other. You may feel as if you have nothing to say—and that you don’t really care what they have to say—without the feeling of closeness that was previously there.
4. You cease sharing your victories with one another.
Who is the first person you call when something exciting occurs? If it used to be your spouse and is now a friend or family member, your marriage is in trouble. There isn’t much incentive to interact or share anything in unhappy relationships, according to Birkel.
5. Both of you are on the defensive.
Constant defensiveness, along with constant criticism, is a sure sign that the two of you aren’t communicating well, according to Caraballo and Birkel. Backlash can also be triggered by simple statements or questions. When one spouse is reminded to perform a task, for example, they may get defensive and say something like, “I already said I was going to do it—don’t guilt-trip me.”
6. You try to stay away from each other as much as possible.
According to Birkel, avoiding each other is also a very clear indication that things aren’t going well. You’ll most likely make separate arrangements and have little desire to spend time together, indicating a miserable marriage.
7. You fantasize of escaping.
It’s possible that fantasies of leaving or being single begin to surface in your mind. You’re getting more conscious of the problems in your marriage and how it makes you feel, which eventually leads you to consider alternative options.
8. There’s a tension between anxious and avoidant attachment.
A clash of attachment styles is something Birkel has noticed a lot: “”There’s a spectrum of pursuers,” he says, “who are kind of boundary-less and get their self-esteem from how the other person feels about them.” Then there are the withdrawers, who avoid conflict by refusing to discuss it.” There’s frequently a cycle of one pursuing and the other retreating in these situations, which leads to more pursuing and withdrawal.
9. When you’re apart, you feel more like yourself.
When you meet your spouse for the first time, you’re supposed to feel like they bring out the best in you and that you enjoy being around them. When you’re in an unhappy marriage, you’ll feel more like yourself while they’re not there, and you may even hate who you are when they’re present, according to Birkel.
10. You put an end to your squabbles.
Birkel explains that not arguing anymore roughly translates to the two of you not wanting to work things out. Arguing isn’t fun, but at the very least it shows that you’re still fighting for something. “It’s a very terrible indication when people lose desire to sort things out with one other.”
11. You’re denying the existence of negative patterns.
Accepting you’re in an unhappy marriage may be tough, whether you’ve been married for decades or you simply don’t like the thought of divorce. This may lead to denial or a “inability to identify bad patterns,” according to Birkel, who adds that “if you don’t realize it, it will be very difficult to repair your relationship.”
12. There is no sympathy or understanding.
In an unhappy marriage, blame, judgment, and shame frequently take center stage, leaving little space for understanding or compassion, according to Birkel. No one is prepared to offer the other the benefit of the doubt, a supporting gesture, or even a loving tone of voice when anything goes wrong or doesn’t work.
13. Changes in body language.
Body language can tell us a lot, and it’s usually not difficult to read once you know what to look for. Simply said, even while conversing, you and your partner may always position yourself away from each other. In a dominant or defensive attitude, you may cross your arms or place your hands on your hips often.
14. Being together makes me physically uncomfortable.
Being in each other’s company is no longer warm and pleasant, but rather chilly, awkward, and unsettling. This may manifest itself in specific body language, such as the examples given above, or it can just be an overpowering sense that you don’t want to be physically close to each other. Without intimacy, a marriage may struggle to survive.
15. You have a dislike for each other.
According to Caraballo, disdain is one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationships, along with defensiveness and criticism, as defined by The Gottman Institute, a leader in relationship study. Contempt is a strong dislike for another person that is similar to hate and disgust. It’s a persistent feeling that will make the majority of your interactions with your partner unpleasant.
You’re both stonewalling each other.
Stonewalling is the fourth and last “horseman,” according to Caraballo. It essentially entails someone shutting down, especially during a stressful situation. They may choose to walk away or just submit in order to stop the fight and be left alone. Stonewalling, according to Birkel, demonstrates a reluctance to develop your connection.
Is it possible to save an unhappy marriage?
Yes, a loveless or unhappy marriage may be saved if both parties are willing to put in the effort.
“The desire to change comes first and foremost in reviving an unhappy or unfulfilling marriage,” Caraballo says. He believes that the desire to sort things out must be accompanied by real efforts to mend. “This may take the form of learning new methods to communicate more successfully, alternative ways to manage money, or everything in between.”
Couples therapy will most likely be extremely beneficial, if not required, according to Birkel and Caraballo. Using “therapist-written books on relationship healing together, or attending seminars or retreats conducted by qualified experts,” Caraballo says, is another option.
Remember, if you’ve decided to work on your issues and attempt to preserve your marriage, “this is a person you love and care about and want to make it work with,” Birkel adds. Keep that fact in mind all the time.
The end result.
An unhappy marriage is more than simply a stumbling block—it doesn’t mean it’s doomed. It may take a lot of soul searching and tough questions to find out if you want to stay in the marriage or move away. (Find out whether your marriage is over here.)
However, if you and your spouse decide that your relationship is worth it, you’ve already conquered a significant obstacle—and your marriage may be stronger as a result.
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