Is it good to have open relationships?
In certain circles, open relationships are considered taboo. However, open partnerships are becoming more mainstream, and they may just open the door to a whole new level of intimacy with your existing partner (and other willing participants).
A 2016 study found that almost one in every five adults in the United States had participated in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their life. Furthermore, according to a 2020 research, just 56 percent of Americans desire to be in a completely monogamous relationship, with young people indicating the least interest in having only one sexual and romantic companion.
Contrary to common belief, monogamy is not as widespread as one would expect.
As a result, what exactly are open relationships and how do they function are discussed. Professionals explain the laws of open relationships, what to consider if you’re considering joining one, and how to bring up your wishes with a partner who is already committed to you.
A connection that is “open” is defined as follows:
According to Nicolle Zapien, Ph.D., head of the School of Professional Psychology and Health at California Institute of Integral Studies, persons in open relationships are allowed to pursue sexual experiences outside of their primary coupling. These kinds of partnerships are not deemed cheating since active consent is involved.
Is it good to have open relationships?
Is it good to have open relationships?
As Tamara Pincus, L.I.C.S.W., CST, founder of the practice Tamara Pincus and Associates notes, “open relationship” does not have a single definition, which means that these arrangements may take on a variety of shapes and forms and develop from a variety of different reasons. According to her, “Sometimes people are polyamorous and they fall in love with others;
sometimes people are swingers and they simply hook up with other people at parties; and sometimes people have hook-ups with individuals they meet via dating apps.”
In terms of love and sex, open relationships may be either long-term or short-term in nature. In general, a couple discussing an arrangement, agreeing to evaluate it, and continuing to have dialogues about it constitutes an open relationship, according to Zapien, who also works in the field of social work.
As Zapien points out, “there are almost as many alternative agreements and configurations as you can conceive.” When it comes to open relationships, they fall under the broad category of ethical non-monogamy, which also includes polyamorous relationships.
Ethical non-monogamy is a broad category that encompasses any arrangement in which people are not entirely emotionally and/or physically exclusive with their partners. It is also not considered cheating to engage in these types of relationships.
In general, Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., who is one of a handful of worldwide academic authorities on polyamory, says,
“I let individuals tell me what they mean by ‘open relationship.” Swinging (which includes pursuing sex with other partners, either together or separately) and monogamous partnerships are two more specific words for some forms of open relationships (which involves being mostly monogamous in a couple).
What is the mechanism through which open connections are maintained?
If so, what are they?
Just as there is no one definition of a “open relationship,” there is no single arrangement or style that works for everyone—each pair must choose what their own relationship will look like for themselves..
There are entire books on how to arrange your open relationship,” Pincus adds. “People’s rules differ a great deal,” Pincus says. (She recommends Designer Relationships as a site to check out.)
The majority of people choose open partnerships in order to have more of their wants met—a couple may have a sexual desire mismatch, for example, but every pair is unique.
Generally speaking, polyamorous couples look for emotional bonds outside of the primary partnership, while swingers are more concerned with sex alone, Sheff explains. She also points out that the swinging culture might be characterized by a “don’t ask, don’t tell” ethos that can be transitory.
Guidelines and boundaries, on the other hand, are always changing. Sheff points out that some couples, for example, exclusively date other couples. ” Several parameters are also agreed upon by many couples, according to Pincus. These standards are often centered on the gender of any possible partners, safer sex practices, and communication before and after any meeting, among other things.
“Don’t bring someone home,” advise Zapien and Pincus, who add that open relationship guidelines may be rather inventive. In the future, only out-of-towners will be pursued. “You may have a good time, but you can’t have a relationship.” “Make sure you don’t become involved with someone else.” When you meet someone for the first time, it’s like meeting them again and again.” “Only on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings,” she says.
In many cases, Pincus adds, “the regulations are designed to shield individuals from the dread of losing their property.” People in long-term polyamorous relationships tend to have less restrictions over time, as they get used to the concept that these things happen and that they will not lose their partners as a result of them.
Is it good to have open relationships?
Open relationships, according to Sheff, are only as healthy as the people who are involved in them. “Similar to monogamous partnerships, some of these relationships are incredible, great, life-affirming, and really lovely.” Others, though, are less enthusiastic. “The health of an open relationship often comes down to how it is managed,” she notes, adding that it should be done with love, honesty, and respect to one another.
“If there is compulsion, or if one or more participants do not have all of the facts and so do not agree in an educated manner, the relationship(s) might be considered unhealthy,” adds Zapein.
However, according to studies, open partnerships are often advantageous. According to one research conducted in 2018, swingers claim better levels of sexual pleasure than monogamous persons, while those in open partnerships report being equally as content with their relationships as those in monogamous couples, according to another.
Is an open relationship the appropriate choice for your situation?
First and foremost, you must be prepared to allow your partner the same liberties that you want to enjoy. “Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because you desire more sex that polyamory or an open relationship is right for you,” Sheff advises.
When individuals think about the potential of having several lovers, they become thrilled. However, when the tables are turned and their partners have other relationships, they get unhappy.
Sheff emphasizes that the foundation of your relationship must be strong to begin with. ‘Consensual non-monogamy is similar to a stress test or a jetpack in that it accelerates the direction in which the partnership is heading.’ Pursuing an open connection in order to save a partnership is not typically successful: As she goes on to explain, “it’s like having a kid to salvage a marriage.”
Furthermore, Sheff advises that even if you are open to the notion of an open relationship, your spouse may be crushed, as a result of your decision. According to Zapien, a skilled therapist or sex therapist may assist with discussions and can help both of you foresee circumstances that you may not have anticipated otherwise.
“All relationships need nurturing,” Pincus adds, adding that it is extremely necessary to set aside time to connect with one another and communicate openly with one another. Many times, individuals get so enthralled by the prospect of having sex with new people that they forget about having sex with their current spouse or that they forget to check in with their partner to ensure that they are still doing things they like with them. According to her, there is also a small chance that your primary relationship may transform into a non-sexual one in the future.
Consider yourself to be open to the possibility of a partnership. First, take a step back and consider the larger picture: It’s possible that an open relationship is not appropriate for you if you feel uncomfortable, discover that your connection isn’t as fantastic as you thought it was, or can’t even bear the notion of your spouse being with someone else, according to Sheff.
What is the best way to request an open relationship?
If you do decide to have the talk, Sheff recommends that you start with anything from the media, such as an article you read or a television program you saw, as a starting point. She recommends asking your spouse what they think about the subject or whether they’ve ever heard of it to get a sense of how they feel about it.
To receive the answer you want or anticipate, Zapien advises being vulnerable, clear and persistent—as well as being able to moderate your emotions if you don’t get what you expect or want. If you and your partner feel that it is worthwhile to investigate further, she advises that you check in with yourself and your partner on a regular basis to ensure that the arrangement is still working. (It also doesn’t hurt to practice safer sex and be checked for sexually transmitted infections on a regular basis.)
Sheff points out that non-monogamy doesn’t always function the way you’d expect it to, and that couples often have to renegotiate their agreements. What happens if you don’t plan to fall in love, but you do so anyway? Or what if you believe you will not be jealous and yet find yourself to be? Long-term success depends on having a game plan—as well as the ability to be flexible and open about communication.
After everything is said and done, it’s critical that you remember why you’re with your partner—and that you remember how to treat them with respect, even when you’re feeling envious. In his advice, Pincus reminds us to “remember to be nice and patient with one another,” even when individuals make errors—because, yes, they do make mistakes.
