How to Tell If It’s True Love

An aging king asks his three daughters how much they love him in a folktale that has been repeated for ages in different forms (one of which is Shakespeare’s King Lear). The elder sisters give poetic filial worship speeches, while the youngest simply responds, “I love you like meat loves salt.” The monarch, offended by this quaint metaphor, exiles the youngest daughter and divides his realm between the two elder daughters, who soon throw him out on his royal heinie. He finds safety in the scullery maid’s house, where his third daughter works.

Recognizing her father, the daughter requests that his dinner be prepared without salt. The king takes a few insipid mouthfuls and then sobs. “All along, it was my youngest daughter who truly loved me!” he exclaims. The daughter exposes herself, and the story comes to a happy conclusion (except in King Lear, where pretty much everybody dies).

This story has endured for a long time in Europe because it is immensely instructive: it reminds listeners that choosing style above substance in situations of love is terrible. It also allows us to recognize when we’re making a mistake. Salt is unusual in that its flavor does not mask the flavor of the food it seasonings, but rather enhances it. Genuine Real love, real commitment, does the same thing.

The following five assertions are diametrically opposed to what most Americans consider to be loving commitment. However, these are “flesh loves salt” commitments that are both necessary and unorthodox. Your relationship is more likely to thrive if you and your partner can honestly speak them to each other.

1. I don’t mind living without you.

“I can’t live if I can’t live without you,” the singer cries. To remark that losing your lover’s affections would make life unlivable seems tragically deep—But have you ever been in a relationship when your love seemed to be the only thing keeping them alive? Someone who stayed around waiting for you to make things better, threatening to kill themselves if you ever split up? Or have you found yourself on the grabbing end of the spectrum, need your partner’s presence as much as you require oxygen? The feeling that drives this type of relationship is desperation, not love. It may appear romantic at first, but it inevitably fails to suit the demands of either partner over time.

The phrase “I can’t exist without you” refers to infancy, a time when we would have perished if our caregivers hadn’t stayed near by and anticipated our requirements. We’re frequently in the midst of a psychological retreat when we need entire care, feeling abandoned infants who require parents now, now, now! Don’t start dating if this is how you feel. Start seeing a therapist. Counseling can teach you how to communicate your needs to the one person who can meet them: yourself.

When we learn to care for ourselves as carefully and thoughtfully as a wonderful mother, the “I can’t live without you” mentality fades away. At that point, we’ll be able to build stable, long-lasting bonds that will endure a lifetime. “I can live without you” is a reassuring statement that prepares the ground for true love.

2. My feelings towards you will undoubtedly shift.

Most people appear to be intrinsically resistant to change. We want to secure whatever level of comfort or stability we’ve achieved so that there’s no risk of losing it. It’s easy to see why the promise “My love for you will never change” is so popular. Unfortunately, this is yet another promise that is more likely to destroy than strengthen a relationship.

The reason for this is that everything—and everyone—is in perpetual flux. We get older, learn new things, get sick, get better, gain weight, lose weight, have new hobbies, and abandon old ones. And when two people are in continual change, their relationship must also be flexible in order to exist. Many individuals are afraid that allowing their love to change would cause it to fade away. The inverse is true. Allowing love to adapt to new conditions makes it nearly unbreakable. Infatuation fades into pleasant company, then flames up again as we discover new things to admire in one other. The obligation may feel greater than desire in times of suffering and illness—

Until one day we discover that persevering through difficult times has strengthened our bonds more than before. Changing love, like rushing water, finds its way around barriers. It becomes delicate, stiff, and all too ready to fracture when frozen in place.

3. You aren’t everything that I require.

I support sexual monogamy, but I’m perplexed by couples who insist that their romantic spouse is the only person they need in their lives or that spending time together is the only activity that would provide them emotional joy.

Humans are built to live in communities, to experiment with new ideas, and to continually gain new abilities. Attempting to gather all of this information from a single individual is like to trying to receive a whole set of vitamins by simply eating ice cream. When a couple feels that “we must meet all of each other’s needs,” they grow fatigued from trying to be everything to each other, and neither can completely develop as individuals.

When my clients rekindle childhood loves or take up new interests, their significant others sometimes feel threatened.

I urge folks to bring their frightened wives to a session so that we may talk about their concerns. The wounded partners frequently sound like this when they come in: “Why do you have to devote three hours a week to tennis (or gardening or painting)? Are you implying that I’m insufficient to make you happy?” When confronted with such concerns, the healthiest response is “That’s correct, our relationship isn’t enough to make me entirely content—and if I pretended it was, I’d be stunting my soul and poisoning my love for you. Have you ever considered what you’d want to accomplish on your own?” A partnership is not strengthened by sacrificing all of our particular demands. Supporting each other’s personal development does.

4. I won’t constantly cling to you.

The boundary between a romantic remark like “I love you so much, I want to spend my life with you till death do us part” and the lunatic-fringe chant “I love you so much, I’ll murder you” is razor thin. People who say such things adore people in the same way that spiders like flies: they love to trap them, bind them, and drain food from them when they’re hungry. This isn’t the type of love you’re looking for.

It’s easy to identify the difference between true love and spider love: Possessiveness and exploitation include exerting control over the loved one, but real love is based on allowing the beloved to make their own decisions. The way you use the term make might also give you away. You’re playing the victimized, trussed-up fly when you say things like “He makes me feel X” or “He made me do Y.” Sentences like “I’ve got to make him understand that he’s wrong” or “I’ll hide what I truly believe since it would make him furious” are much more informative. You are the clever spider, withholding and manipulating your mate’s thoughts and behaviors, rather than the victim. Both strategies imply that someone is being held captive.

It’s easy to get out of this sticky situation: Telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is the best policy. Begin by accepting responsibility for your own actions, even the decision to obey the spider guy who may hold you captive. Then, without attempting to impose the reply you want, explain your true feelings, wants, and wants to your spouse. If your relationship can’t survive in the open light of honesty, it’s better to end it than to allow deception and control to continue.

5. You and I are not the same person.

Perhaps you are a chameleon who adapts to match the one you love, rather than a spider or a fly. Alternatively, you may date chameleons, picking people that fit your personality. You’re not in a healthy relationship in any case. In reality, you aren’t even in a relationship.

I used to be so tuned in to my loved ones’ desires and needs that I had no idea what my own were. This denying of self led to animosity, which poisoned numerous personal relationships. Then, having been burnt once and shy twice, I went to the other extreme for a short while. I had a lot of mediocre meals with people who hung on my every word and agreed with everything I said. I’m narcissistic, but not Narcissus; spending time with a human-looking-glass, however attractive, made me lonely.

If you believe in the “We are one” philosophy, it’s time you discovered how wonderful love for two may be. Follow your heart and move in a route where your spouse would not. Take the risk of examining your differences. To disagree is to agree. If you’re used to disappearing, this will show you that you can be adored just as you are. If you have a tendency to dominate, you’ll be surprised at how much more enjoyable it is to love a real person rather than a human reflection.

Buddha once remarked that we can recognize enlightenment because it always tastes of freedom, just as we can recognize the ocean because it always tastes of salt. True love and enlightenment have no fundamental differences. While many people regard commitment as a trap, in its healthy forms, it really frees both partners, brings out the taste of their genuine selves, and builds a love that is gratifying, long-lasting, and delectable.