HOW TO PREVENT DIVORCE IN YOUR MARRIAGE
My eyes were drawn to the image before I even made it to the end of our driveway. Despite the fact that it was just 5 feet in the air, my husband’s Mazda was perilously balanced over a retaining wall.
My immediate response, you would imagine, was “I hope Carey is okay!” but that was not the case.
As an alternative, I thought to myself, with a disgusted shake of my head, You’re getting what you deserve. Remove yourself from the situation. It was my imagination that came up with the scenario: Carey had attempted to cram ten jobs into eight hours, had fallen behind, had dashed out the door 10 minutes late, had sped through a three-point turn, and had arrived.
No sympathy or determination to save our marriage or keep it from ending in divorce flooded into my veins. That was how terrible things had become in our more than ten-year marriage.
Constantly harboring grudges
Unfortunately, Carey was unable to find an other means of transportation. Upon his return, I was prepared for a fight or, more accurately, for yet another battle. Those isolated disagreements were no longer a problem. Due to the ongoing boiling of hatred and animosity under the surface of our marriage, they were forced to cross paths.
One of us was sufficiently agitated by a suggestive eye roll.
In my opinion, our lives were too busy, with too much work and not enough hours, and there was no room for error. “You’re saying yes to too many things, and this pace is doing havoc on us,” I had lamented on several occasion.
There were resentments in Carey’s heart as much as his head. Because he could see all of the housekeeping that needed to be done, he assumed I wasn’t doing anything to assist him. Apparently, he felt that I was too preoccupied with other things and that I had neglected his priorities.
The toughest aspect was that our marriage should have been better in the first instance. It should have been simple to keep our marriage safe from a possible divorce. We were both members of our church, and Carey served as its pastor. Also, we were attorneys who had acquired specialized training in family law and divorce proceedings. In our own family, we’d seen firsthand the devastation that divorce can cause—as well as God’s ability to intervene and rescue relationships in trouble. To be honest, I was on the verge of giving up on everything.
If you find yourself in a similar situation in your marriage, you will understand the sentiments of emotional discontent, irritation, rage, and anxiety that you are experiencing at the moment..
It’s hard to imagine wanting to spend the rest of their days in pain. As a child, I recall laying awake at night worrying, “How are we going to make it?” Are you sure you want to do this?
Despite this, we were successful in our endeavor. The anniversary of my marriage to Carey was lately celebrated. We’re in the midst of a marriage that not only lives up to but significantly exceeds our wedding-day expectations.
Takeaways from the past
We were in such horrible shape, how did Carey and I get to where we are now? The question is, how did we keep our marriage from ending up in divorce? Together, we worked on four ideas that helped us move away from divorce court and toward a stronger marriage. These were dedicated prayer, therapy, and resolve. In the event that you’re considering dissolving your marriage, I’d advise you to first think about the lessons we’ve learnt.
1. Strengthen and safeguard your marriage against the possibility of divorce.
Marriage is governed by the same rules as the harvest season. According to pastor Nicky Gumbel, you harvest what you seed, but you reap it later than you sow and you harvest it in greater quantities than you sowed.
If Carey and I had continued to use the same old words and acts in our marriage, we would not have made it this far. This led us to the conclusion that better seeds needed to be planted if we were to have a better harvest in the first place.
Because we sown dissension, we received chaos, as we learned the hard way. If we sowed seeds of animosity, we reappeared with scorn for one another. However, if we sow fresh seeds of compassion, self-control, and respect, to mention a few, we will soon see the beginning of a wonderful harvest. After a long period of time, the fresh seeds sprouted and thrived.
Learn from your spouse’s mistakes in Lesson No. 2.
One of our most significant disagreements was that we both thought that we were correct and the other person was incorrect in our assumptions. Briefly put, we were experiencing vision issues.
Luke 11:34 tells us that when our eyes are healthy [the Greek word for healthy means generous], we are filled with the light of the Holy Spirit. Our vision, on the other hand, is impaired when our eyes are terrible [the Greek term for this denotes stingy].
Jesus may ask you the following questions regarding your marriage: Do your eyes seem to be doing well today? Is it possible for you to see the truth about your partner? Do you recognize the aspects of yourself that are accurate?
My first reaction to what I saw was unfavorably negative. Instead of being kind in my answer after Carey damaged his vehicle, I had been stingy in my approach. I needed to beg Jesus to open my eyes first, so that I could see clearly.
To hear what He was saying, I needed to beg Him to cleanse my ears. Because of this, I needed to spend some quality time alone with Jesus, away from my children. First thing in the morning is my favourite time for prayer and Bible reading. We couldn’t keep up with that schedule when our children were newborns, so I opted for the evenings or sleep times instead.
God was the starting point for my difficulty. Thank you for your assistance!! And then I lay it all out in front of Jesus and begged him to show me what was correct. When I prayed, I begged Him to do what only He can do: shine light into the darkness of my situation. The Lord responded by directing me to a Christian counselor, wise mentors, and friends who were able to assist me in identifying my blind spots, which were contributing to my marital dissatisfaction.
Cultivate a peaceful environment in Lesson No. 3.
It was during the divorce proceedings that I first met Marcus* and his wife, Katie*. They were the parents of three children ranging in age from four to nine years. Kate stayed at home with their children while Marcus worked. It was as if the issues in their marriage were a box that he could easily pack up and toss out the window.
Both Marcus and Katie said repeatedly during the divorce process that they just wanted what was best for their children.
As far as I could tell, they were really concerned about their boys being embroiled in the conflict.
After the divorce was completed, Marcus realized that the marriage box had been removed, and that in its place, he had been given a box holding a variety of difficulties to go through and deal with. The parenting routine has been a source of constant contention. Despite his best efforts, his financial situation was worse than he had expected.
His social circles began to disintegrate, and his evenings of enjoyment began to fade. Throughout his life, he encountered causes of contention that he had never anticipated.
Even worse, their children did not benefit from the increased tranquility.
Katie expressed her dissatisfaction with Marcus’s failure to pay child support on time in a candid conversation. When she screamed about her bills, she didn’t consider the emotional toll it would have on her sons. The last thing Marcus wanted to do was tell his children that their mother didn’t care if he didn’t have any money left over to give to them. The problem is that they were aware of the problem.
He looked at me with tearful eyes when I met him for the first time after the divorce. He told me that he wished he’d known then what he knows now and that he would have tried harder to salvage his marriage.
Now is the time to safeguard your relationship.
When our marriages are in trouble, we may ponder whether we should leave for the sake of our children, and we are not alone. Finally, we consider if this is the kind of love we want our children to experience as they grow older.
As a former divorce attorney, I can tell you that just walking away will not bring your children any more peace. Preventing divorce is the best moment to achieve harmony and safeguard your marriage. Families that quarrel in a dysfunctional manner in front of their children are failing to provide for their children. They are looking forward to seeing them get beyond their cold wars, intransigence, and apathy, among other things. Peace will only be achieved via this method.
You might respectfully ask Jesus whether He believes that this is something that will never happen in your marriage.
Would sowing little seeds of loving deeds (not phony sentiments of love) and words conveyed in a softer tone help you to break free from the negativity you’re now ensnared by? Is it possible that Jesus is directing you to take responsibility for anything you’ve done that has caused you pain? Your willingness to make little sacrifices for the benefit of your children may be just enough to give you reason to believe in the possibility of saving your relationship.
4. Fight for “us” rather than just your own personal interests.
We should be “submitting to one another out of respect for Christ,” according to the apostle Paul in Ephesians 5:21. The importance of maintaining our partnership above gratifying our own demands was something Carey and I needed to realize. The time has come for us to stop thinking about ourselves in terms of me and instead start thinking about ourselves in terms of us. In order to maintain our relationship with one another, we needed to consciously humble ourselves and make some sacrifices in our desires.
Starting with the basics was important. Each of us has a particular taste in home design. We fought over every detail whenever we redecorated our house, each of us holding on to our own personal tastes and ideals. When we started fighting for ourselves, we were more patient and open-minded, eager to compromise and respectful of the opinions and preferences of those on the opposite side. We no longer strive to encourage the other individual to adopt our own sense of style in the same manner that we used to do in the previous situation. Our joint objective at this point is for both of us to be happy with the conclusion of the negotiations.
When matters become hot, we keep this mantra in mind: “If I win, we lose.” If I win, we lose, so do we. Is there a way for us to succeed?
Whenever I am aware that Carey would be dissatisfied with a certain option, I refrain from pushing for it. Carey takes care of me in the same same way as well. We both believe that making a decision that leaves the other person dissatisfied is an undesirable one. Consequently, we’ve gotten more inventive as we ponder alternative answers to our problems..
Restore your shattered relationship.
I did not want to take the initial actions toward repairing my damaged marriage and safeguarding it from divorce while I was at my lowest point. These processes seemed to be too complicated. Considering how things turned out, I can sympathize with the words of the psalmist: “He who goes forth mourning, carrying the seed for sowing, will return home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him” (Psalm 126:6).
The image of me sobbing while sowing the first seeds of change in my marriage is fitting. Hope and sentiments of attachment didn’t fill me with much energy or enthusiasm. The emotions of loss and despair overwhelmed me. In the meanwhile, I placed my hope and confidence in Jesus.
If I had let my emotions take me out the door, I would have been OK. It is, nevertheless, to my advantage that I did not. My gratitude for responding in a kind manner the following time Carey was involved in an accident with his vehicle. He has also been gracious in his comments to my faults as well.
Carey and I have access to a wellspring of strength and love that can never be depleted via Jesus’ sacrifice.. As well as you and your spouse, he extends this gift to you. The fact is that I had no idea what God had in store for my marriage when we started off. In the same way, I have my doubts about the harvest He has in store for you. It will be found on the other side of not giving up, if you trust Him.
