How To Improve Your Sexual Intimacy in 4 Weeks
While it comes to discussing sex, we don’t usually speak with the same confidence that we do when discussing other subjects of discussion. Thanks to society, the issue of infidelity is buried in shame and humiliation, and as a result, when a problem occurs in the bedroom, we tend to overlook it. We try to bring it down. We put up a front and pretend it isn’t there. We are hopeful that things will work themselves out on their own.
That is not the case, as a spoiler will reveal.
It’s a little perplexing, to be honest. We’ve been taught not to speak about sex, despite the fact that sex is, for many of us, one of the most vital aspects of a healthy relationship. So we must abandon the notion that we cannot bring up the subject of sex, or ask for what we want, or tell a partner something isn’t working for us because it would “hurt their emotions,” among other things. Ignoring something that is so important to your partnership’s satisfaction (assuming, of course, that you are both sexually active) might lead to the end of your relationship, which no one wants.
Over the course of the following four weeks, you will gain knowledge of:
How to begin a conversation about sex, including your wishes and requirements.
In order to have a hotter and more meaningful sex life, you must question your perception of what “intimacy” is.
Your communication skills will be put to the test with the assistance of two (or three, if you include yours truly) renowned sex gurus who will share their greatest tips, methods, and strategies.
In the interest of full disclosure, we at Men’s Health wish to emphasize that our usage of the term “challenge” is not mandatory, and that these exercises are only advice. Taking part in this “challenge” is not only about learning how to be a better communicator and establish intimacy, but it is also about improving the quality of your whole relationship.
It is not a game in which one can win. It is a strategy for development. It all boils down to a willingness to master critical techniques for having a good time with sex. This is due to the fact that sex is not something we can merely be excellent at. It’s a taught habit that may be both physically and emotionally harmful. All of these exercises are completely adjustable, and they should be carried out with an open mind.
Last but not least, although this challenge is geared for long-term couples, throuples, quads, and other similar groups (because you all need it), it can be tailored to suit any kind of relationship.
All right, pals. Let’s get this done.
Week 1 Exercise 1: Understand the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire.
By the way, we’ve decided to keep sex off the table for the whole first week. Please bear with me. I promise you it will be spectacular.
There are two main ways in which people get sexually aroused (or a mix of both). The body-based (spontaneous) approach is preferred by certain individuals, which means they often think about sexuality, utilize sex as a stress reliever, and feel aroused relatively readily. Other individuals are more psychologically or brain-based (responsive), which means that their desire is dependent on the situation in which they are experiencing it. They must be calm, their responsibilities completed, and they must feel secure in their bodies before they can experience desire.
We must create and nourish both sorts of desire in order to be successful. Desire is not a self-sustaining phenomenon that occurs on its own initiative. The first stage will be determining where both you and your spouse fall on the spectrum of psychological and physical attraction for each other. It’s critical that you discuss this with your spouse or partner. Once you’ve done that, you can start thinking about what each of you needs in order to get aroused and get in the mood for a sexual encounter. This discussion should take place somewhere other than the bedroom.
To say: “Babe, I truly like our sex relationship and have discovered some pretty amazing things about desire.” “I believe that talking about it may be beneficial for us.”
Exercise 2: Take a job off of your partner’s plate and do it yourself.
Being helpful and respectful to our partners is the first step in developing greater closeness. “Intimacy is a complicated weave of emotional connection, physical proximity, and practical concerns,” explains Sofiya Alexandra, co-founder and co-host of Private Parts Unknown. “Intimacy is a complex weave of emotional connection, physical closeness, and practical considerations.” It will be difficult to make your spouse feel calm, taken care of, and loved if you don’t offer daycare or meals after a long and exhausting day.
When it comes to generating desire, the sense of being cared for and loved is essential. Choose a chore that your spouse typically completes (laundry, dishes, dinner preparation, bringing up the kids from school, etc.) and complete it for them.
What to say: “I understand how much work you put in, and I want to be of assistance so that you may rest.” “I’m going to start cooking supper for myself.”
Resistance to change is likely to arise (since we humans are creatures of habit), but because you’re tackling this challenge together, both of you need to be on the same page.
Exercise 3: Increase your sexual currency by engaging in non-sexual closeness.
The sensual energy that occurs between couples who are romantically and sexually connected is referred to as sexual currency. It may come out as a little hippie dippy, but I guarantee it’s true. It is derived through acts of kindness, horniness, and love, rather than only from sexual behaviors.
This money is not something that arises out of nowhere and then burns intensely if it is not maintained on a regular basis. Consider it similar to a houseplant. It has to be watered regularly in order to remain robust and healthy.
What is the best way to earn sexual currency? Keep your attention on tiny deeds throughout the day. Alexandra recommends that you take sensual images or send sexual messages throughout the day to get the sparks flying between you. You may also just hold hands and embrace each other when you return home from work, remembering to say “I love you” on a daily basis. We feel a lot more connected after finishing the workday when we put on some music, prepare a few drinks, and truly converse like the people we fell in love with, rather than mind-numbing ourselves with a TV program straight immediately, or being on our phones, both of which are always tempting, says Alexandra. It is important to be in the present moment.
These apparently little behaviors may have a significant influence on the quality of your relationship. Having strong sexual currency is essential to having wonderful sex because, after all, how can you have amazing sex if you don’t have a strong connection with someone?
Week 2 of the school year
Exercise 4: Take part in the game “touch me here.”
OK. Sex is back, and you’re welcome to it, but there’s a catch: it comes with a catchphrase. It’s past time to break away from the norm. We’re going to play a game called “touch me here,” which means “touch me here.” Essentially, you’ll be embarking on a voyage of self-discovery. One partner will be the “explorer,” while the other will be the one who rests on the bed.
Begin stroking your partner’s body slowly. From head to toe, give them a good massage. If something feels wonderful, they will say “touch me there,” and if they want you to go to another part of their body, they will say “touch me here” and specify where they want you to go. Try to play for a total of 20 minutes before switching roles.
This is a simple and straightforward method of rekindling the pleasure of being in another person’s body. While your sexual relationship may be losing its “newness,” there is no reason why it cannot continue to improve. “The excitement of exposure, discovery, and experimenting [that] makes] fresh relationships so hot,” argues Chelsey Lee Fasano, the director of research and development at KennethPlay.com, who is a sex researcher herself. The willingness to continually learn about ourselves and our relationships is essential if we are going to continue to explore intimacy.
Baby, you have new eyes!
Exercise 5: Relax and listen to your body.
Our environments are so full with activity that we might get disassociated from our physical selves and lose touch with reality. This may seem to be a little “out there,” but there is genuine scientific evidence to support it. The link between the brain and the body is genuine, and when we don’t pay attention to it, we lose our feeling of belonging in our bodies. This is one of the primary reasons why horniness (or a general inclination to participate in sex) may be depressing and debilitating.
For ten minutes, just be with your body. Bring your attention to the areas of your head, shoulders, spine, and genitals. Try to take a deep breath into any and all feelings you are experiencing. After that, you may use your hands to massage yourself while maintaining your meditative state of awareness. “For the majority of individuals, if you’re in touch with your body, sexuality comes easily,” Fasano explains. “
Over the following several weeks, repeat this practice on a daily basis (and beyond). A handy tool for daily practice, it may be found here.
Exercise 6: Take a bath with your partner.
The hot baths packed with luxurious-smelling bubbles are a personal favorite of Alexandra’s. When you get clean, you feel so sensitive that getting filthy shortly after being clean makes complete and utter sense.” Baths are really multi-sensory experiences in and of themselves. A good reason why so many sex educators, therapists, and coaches are infatuated with baths is that they are very relaxing.
The environment in which you are in has a significant impact on your ability to “get in the mood.” Bathing is a pleasant and private experience. Spend some time washing each other’s bodies, inhaling the wonderful smells, and just enjoying one other’s company. It’s a setting that encourages sensuality without the need to think about it too much, which is ideal.
Exercise 7: Try masturbating with a friend.
Contrary to common assumption, it is perfectly OK to masturbate when you are in a relationship (or in a triad, a quad, or whatever you fancy). As a matter of fact, sex experts generally believe that solo-orgasms have a beneficial effect on libido, causing individuals to crave more coupled sexual encounters. Overall, the more orgasms you have, the more you want.
It might be intimidating to ask your spouse to participate in masturbation with you. It’s quite clear why this is happening. When it comes to human behavior, masturbation is just recently finding its way into the category of “normal,” much alone doing it in a relationship or doing it in front of a partner.
Raise the subject when you’re relaxing on the couch and say something like: “Hey sweetheart, wouldn’t it be nice if we got off in front of one other?” “I’d love to see how you masturbate; why don’t you show me tonight?” or anything along those lines.
Because you’re participating in this sex challenge with your partner (assumedly), the challenge itself serves as an excellent justification for doing so. It’s easy to knock off a quickie in 20 minutes while you’re resting on your sides so that no one gets too fatigued, and the act of connecting sensually for even that short of a period of time can turn intimacy into an enticing thread that you weave throughout your days together,” Alexandra explains.
It may seem a bit intimidating at first, but the more you do it, the less frightening it becomes.
Exercise 8: Put a little sex on the calendar.
Since you’re here, it’s likely that you’ve been in a position where your spouse wants sex while you’re exhausted to the point of being unable to see straight, or when you wanted sex yourself while your partner was preoccupied with a major work assignment. We’ve all been in that situation. It’s difficult to include intimacy into our hurried schedules.
Due to the fact that this is just the reality of life, I always recommend that couples simply put it on the calendar. You may refer to it as “Adult Cuddle Time,” “Naked Cuddling,” or anything else (or you can be quite explicit—the choice is yours). It may not seem very enticing, yet, contrary to popular belief, it is. As soon as we know that sex is on the way (whatever that sex looks like), we may begin to raise the heat throughout the day in anticipation of the event.
Make sure to send some hot messages, indulge in non-sexual closeness whenever you can, and express excitement about what’s to come later in the relationship. “Sex” should not be limited to penetration alone. It may be anything from hugging to make out to oral sex to mutual masturbation and anything in between. It’s all about keeping you connected while also keeping you sexually engaged.
Exercise 9: When you’re feeling very fatigued, figure up a means to have sex (of some type).
Is it strange that I’m saying this? Yes. In what ways does it aid in the discovery of fresh ground for intimacy in the most improbable of circumstances? Yes, as well.
It is less about learning a specific technique and more about developing the willingness to engage in a sensual way with someone we care about, says Fasano. “Having sex when you are tired is less about learning a specific technique and more about cultivating the willingness to engage in a sensual way with the person we care about,” Fasano says. “Often, the inability to participate in sex is not due to a lack of energy, but rather to a lack of the spark, excitement, and connection that first motivated us to prioritize it.”
When it comes to sleeping with your spouse, it doesn’t have to be the same as your other types of sex with him or her. Instead of following a script, experiment with your own body and your partner’s body to see how they move together when you’re both fatigued and exhausted. “This form of spontaneity, which is enabled by all of the tastes and nuances of experience, is what keeps you in the present, connected to yourself and your partner,” Fasano explains further.
Exercise 10: Tell us about a hidden dream you have.
Forgetting our most private sexual selves with someone we care about is essential to developing real connection with him or her. As a part of this activity, each of you should select a fantasy (one that you have intentionally created) and discuss it with the group. This is a fantastic complement to your regularly planned steamy session. In addition to allowing you to vocally articulate your wants, it may also help you to develop sexual energy, which may eventually lead to real-life sex.
If you don’t feel comfortable discussing a fantasy that takes place outside of the relationship, you may always choose to share a scenario that takes place inside the partnership. Is it possible that you’ve always desired to be tied up and spanked? Perhaps you’ve always wanted to take part in role-playing games. Whatever it is, be sure to share it. Vulnerability is enticing, and it helps to strengthen relationships between couples.
I adore each and every one of you.
Exercise 11: Go for a stroll with your partner.
You’re accumulating sexual currency, spending quality time together, and raising your heart rates, all of which are essential components of a successful sexual relationship, bud. ‘Take a five-minute stroll outdoors with your partner. Hand in hand, leave your phones at home, and by the time you arrive home, you’ll have a small burst of energy from the fresh air and physical exercise, as well as a moment of connection from conversing, which will carry over into the bedroom,” Alexandra explains.
Exercise 12: Create a list of “yes, no, and maybe” responses.
Make a note of all of your fantasies and put them on a sexual bucket list. You may mark each item with a “yes,” “no,” or “maybe,” and then compare the results of the two lists with one another. Depending on your preference, you may do this on paper, over text, or in any other media. The key is to maintain your interest and involvement. Congratulations if you and your partner agreed on anything. You have discovered a new mutual interest. If one of you responded “yes” and the other said “maybe,” you may discuss the possibility of dipping your toes into the water.
Our identities as sexual beings are always shifting. We develop, learn, and evolve in the same way that we do in every other part of our life. You may find that your desires for the next week, month, or year change and grow as you go through life and get to know yourself even better.
Exercise 13: Select something from each of your lists and try it out.
After then, choose anything from your partner’s list (and vice versa) and give it a go.. There’s likely to be something on there that you and your partner are both willing to try—if only for the sake of intimacy!
But what if you decide that you don’t like what you’ve tried after all? That is absolutely OK. Not everything will be delivered to your preferred location. It is important to be open to new experiences and to be prepared to feel dumb and scared. When it comes to sex, we tend to take ourselves a little too seriously. It’s critical to remember that this is a game, and that it should be enjoyable.
All of these activities are designed to accomplish one goal: to increase closeness in a manner that makes sex delightful. So go off and enjoy yourself to the fullest. Because, although we may refer to this as a challenge, it is essentially a road map to your partner’s location.
Cheers to you, my friends!
