How to Get Rid of Your Divorce Blues
A “divorce hangover” is the emotional experience of your divorce that has not yet been completed. That being said, the good news is that you are not obliged to remain in constant discomfort or numbness. Whether it is through choice or not, it may be the beginning of a more fulfilling and happier existence.
Divorce is a traumatic and life-altering event for most people. It’s unpleasant, it’s perplexing, and it completely changes your perspective on the world. However, everything should come to an end at some time. It’s possible to be in the grips of a divorce hangover if the feelings of anguish, anger, resentment, despair, or emotional bewilderment appear to last for an eternity after the divorce.
A divorce hangover is a continuous emotional connection with your ex-spouse or old life that causes you to be angry or melancholy, dissatisfied, and trapped in the past after the divorce is finalized.
You deserve to be at peace with your divorce so that you may go on with your life in a more fulfilling way. To do so, you must first comprehend the effects of your divorce on your mental health.
Divorce Aftermath: Excruciating Pain That Won’t Go Away
Jan believed her divorce was over when the judge’s gavel fell and the final judgment was issued, but months later she was still sobbing herself to sleep in the middle of the night.
She assumed that receiving the cash compensation would put an end to her sorrow and frustration, but she still found herself lashing out at children and strangers for no apparent reason.
It appeared as if her emotions, her money, and her whole life were entirely out of her hands on certain days.
In later years, she believed that her bitterness and hatred would be completely put to rest when she relocated to a new city…after she started seeing someone new and married…after her ex-husband, Tom, remarried and had a kid.
The knot in her gut, however, has not dissipated despite the passage of eight years. She still finds herself rehearsing the marriage and divorce in her thoughts over and over, and she frequently feels angry, unhappy, or traumatized when she thinks about Tom. She hasn’t gotten over her feelings for Tom. Even the smallest thing may send her off, whether it’s an engagement party invitation, a school event for her children, a Fourth of July picnic, or anything else that reminds her of all she has lost.
Jan has gotten used to the emotional tangles and unresolved unpleasant sentiments that have accumulated over time. Since the divorce, she has felt as if she is moving at half the speed of light, or as if she is underwater. Her sentiments over Tom and the divorce continue to dictate her daily activities.
As a result, she spends so much of her time and energy dwelling on the past – which she cannot alter – that she views even her new marriage to John through the prism of her “failure.”
In contrast to external events such as signing the final paperwork or beginning to see other people, Jan’s “hangover” has nothing to do with them. Instead, it is an internal state of mind that she takes with her wherever she goes as a protective barrier against the loss, change, sorrow, and devastation that her divorce has brought about — as well as the worry that something even worse may happen in the future.
A divorce hangover is the barrier that is preventing her from moving ahead with her life in a positive way. Jan is not the only one who feels this way.
Scenarios of Divorce Post-Partum Depression
What if one or more of these scenarios seem familiar?
When Fran contacts her ex-new husband’s wife, Isabella, seven years after their divorce is finalized, she yells over the phone, “Give me my husband, you bitch!” Robert, now Isabella’s husband, does nothing except quietly observe, refusing to get an unlisted phone number, so creating a split in his current relationship with Isabella.
However, despite the fact that George has been divorced for three years and has found happiness with his second wife, he continues to pay for his former wife’s subscription to TV Guide.
The old Mustang that Stacy and Rick used to share when they were married is still in her possession, despite the fact that she can afford a new vehicle.
Whenever her car breaks down, she instantly contacts Rick because she is certain that he is the only one who can repair it.
Jennifer, 10, comes home after weekends with her father and tells her mother “all sorts of stuff,” including information about his “rotten new partner.” She will go to any length to keep her separated parents “together,” even if the only connection they have is a phone conversation in which they argue.
Ed is still living in the same modest apartment he moved into after his divorce, and he continues to gripe about the unjust financial settlement. He passionately argues that he does not have enough money to date and devotes his time and efforts to disparaging his ex-girlfriend to anybody who would listen.
The two had been separated for four years; Allen’s ex-wife, Judy, has been living with her lover since then; nonetheless, he remains hopeful that she would one day return to him.
As a result of her “accidental” packing of filthy clothing for the children’s weekends with Dan, she recalls how much Dan despises doing the laundry.
He believes the only reason his ex-wife isn’t marrying her “live-in” boyfriend is that doing so would result in the termination of his alimony payments to her.
However, although the legal process of divorce is quite straightforward – one entity is separated into two different entities – the emotional experience of divorce may be complicated and devasting.
It is painful and paralyzing to have a divorce that does not support healing and put the past to rest. This condition is known as a divorce hangover. A divorce hangover is defined as the emotional experience of the divorce that has not yet been completed.
A divorce hangover turns your life into a battleground, and regrettably, you and the people in your life are often among the first victims. Anger, anger, bitterness, despair, and frustration are all emotions that may lead to physical sickness if they are harbored for an extended length of time. Finally, resentful or bitter thoughts and acts only serve to make you feel worse about yourself.
Know when you’re suffering from a divorce hangover.
The first step in healing your divorce hangover is to acknowledge that you have one. If any of the above apply to you, you are suffering from a divorce hangover.
You have strong emotional attachments to your ex-spouse even if you have separated. It is possible that these links are detrimental.
These links may be unpleasant – a confused, chaotic maelstrom of anger, melancholy, bitterness, fear, resentment, guilt, blame, anxiety, or irritation – but they nevertheless serve to keep you linked to the people you care about most.
Think about your ex-spouse or hear his or her name and you get agitated, even even breaking down in tears if anything reminds you of that individual. When thinking about what you might do to get back at the other person, or what you could do to win him or her back, you may consider the following:
These sentiments energise you, and they’re sometimes the only things that get you out of bed in the morning or keep you going throughout the day..
Whether it’s because of your ex-spouse, the attorneys, or the divorce process in general, you feel violated. Want your ex-spouse to be punished and make him or her suffer as a result of all he or she has done against you? Otherwise, you may like to burrow beneath a rock and watch the world go on around you.
In your thoughts, you are constantly reminded of your ex-shortcomings. spouse’s It makes you wonder who he or she is seeing, what sex is like with that new partner, how your ex-spouse looks now, what he or she would think of the person you’re seeing, what it would be like if you got back together, and whether there was anything you could have done to avoid the divorce –or it makes you look back in anger, preoccupied with what your ex-spouse did to you or what you’re going to do to him or her.
You find yourself seeing him or her more often than is really needed. There were a variety of professionals you could have contacted to repair the faucet, a designer to arrange the living room furnishings, your mother for a recipe, or a financial adviser about purchasing this or that stock – but you chose not to. rather of calling your ex-spouse, you phoned your ex-husband That situation with the kids or the money might have been addressed by phone, but you chose to meet for drinks instead.
You have a stronger sense of the past than you do of the current situation.
The feeling that your life is still on wait continues to plague you.
Conscious or unconscious sensations might arise, as well as explosive or subtle reactions. These activities are not healthy if they cause you to spend all of your time and energy thinking about the past or if they cause you to get agitated, nervous, melancholy, or regretful about what may have been. You will be unable to live in the present or move ahead into the future as long as you are still emotionally involved and entangled with your ex-spouse in these ways.
Everyone suffers from the effects of a divorce hangover. It can harm anybody, regardless of their sexual orientation, social or financial background, or even whether or not they were the ones who started the divorce..
It makes no difference how long ago your divorce occurred. You should take a step back and evaluate where you are in your life if you are still thinking about it or about your ex-spouse in emotionally charged ways, if your fists clench or your body tightens when his or her name is spoken, if that previous life is as real to you as your current one.
How to Get Over a Divorce After It Happens
A tangle of painful emotions surrounds everyone who is going through divorce. When it comes to feelings of loneliness, it seems to be the most traumatic and difficult to cope with. Many people have been trapped in unsatisfactory relationships because they are afraid of being left alone.
Clients and friends alike have expressed their feelings of loneliness during and after a divorce. Some others remarked things like, “I’ve been divorced for 15 years.” This agony is as acute and tiring as it was from the minute it all started.” Even more so, maybe.”
Running to relationships, whether terrible or good; booze; drugs; or job – anything is preferred to dull the anguish of being stuck in one’s head.
You have the ability to overcome the effects of your divorce. The most vital component is your personal desire to be rid of the hangover, which may need some time and concentration.
The first step is to make the transition from emotion to thought.
Anger, melancholy, bewilderment, and a sense of lack of control feed the emotional whirl that results from a divorce hangover. It’s a terrible cycle that keeps repeating itself. As long as you are in a state of emotional turmoil, you are driven by fear – and fear feeds the spiraling emotions that you are experiencing.. To accomplish anything else, you must first put a halt to the downward spiral that you are now experiencing.
In a state of mental turmoil, even simple tasks such as grocery shopping or crossing the street become difficult. Suddenly, you find yourself at the end of your rope. Just one more inquiry from the kids, one more bill in the mail, one more harsh comment from your employer, one more “chance encounter” with your ex-new spouse’s partner, and you’ll be completely out of your minds.
Getting out of a tailspin is not something that happens automatically; you must actively work at it.
A point must be reached when you must actively engage in the process of managing your emotions. The process of overcoming a hangover will grow simpler as you learn how it begins, what maintains it in place, what yours looks like, what it is protecting you from, and how to break free from its grip on your body.
From the moment you begin to explore those options, you begin a mental process that will eventually bring you out of your emotional coma. You’ve reached the moment when you’re in command.
Stopping the emotional spiral by switching from emotional to logical thinking is the only way to get out of it! If you have the ability to think about something, you have the ability to place it somewhere else. You may still be experiencing some of those emotions, but they no longer possess you..
Workouts in Step 1
Which emotions were the most intense for you throughout your divorce? In order of increasing severity, rank the following emotions: rage; sadness; fear; grief; helplessness; loneliness; vengeance; feeling exploited; and others.
What are your current thoughts and sentiments about this situation.
How did these sensations begin and continue to occur?
In each of these situations, what can you do to help yourself?
When it comes to divorce, these questions will serve as the foundation for all of your other choices, and they will also help you avoid a post-divorce hangover. If you’re suffering from a hangover, they can assist you in determining what truly occurred throughout your marriage and divorce, why it occurred, how your hangover formed, and what you can do to remedy the situation right now..
IN STEP 2, YOU MUST ANSWER THE PRINCIPLES QUESTIONS.
When it comes to divorce, these questions will serve as the foundation for all of your other choices, and they will also help you avoid a post-divorce hangover. If you’re suffering from a hangover, they can assist you in determining what truly occurred throughout your marriage and divorce, why it occurred, how your hangover formed, and what you can do to remedy the situation right now..
Listed below are some of the most important questions to consider:
- Your divorce seemed to be a foregone conclusion.
- The reason for your divorce was not disclosed.
- As you entered into the marriage, what were your expectations?
- In your opinion, how long should the divorce proceedings last?
- Was there anything you wanted to get done first throughout the divorce?
- In your opinion, what was the most significant advantage?
After answering these questions, you’ll have a clearer picture of how your divorce hangover came about.
1. Was your divorce a foregone conclusion?
Choosing not to ask this question is a major source of uncertainty around divorce. Asking it is the first step. Whether or not your divorce was unavoidable, at the very least you may be certain that you’ve arrived at the correct destination. Those feelings of insecurity, worry, dread, and second-guessing about whether you made the correct decision may be put to rest for good now. Exactly what you wanted to happen! The truth is that there was never a viable alternative.
However, I know several really clever men and women who never asked this question, and they ended up wondering for the next 20 years what they should have asked:
Were we still together if I’d caved in on that one point of contention?
“Would the kids have had a father during those formative years if he’d simply quit drinking?”
Possibly, we would be happier today if we had gone to therapy together, or if I hadn’t paid attention to those two incidents.
Your thoughts are imprisoned in the past if you go backward and think “coulda, woulda, shoulda.” When it’s time to move on, it might also keep you stuck in the current moment. I’ve heard equally intelligent men and women say things like the following while contemplating whether or not to continue in a relationship.
The reason he drinks is because he has no concept of what it is to be really loved. And then everything will be better.” “I’ll show him, and then everything will be OK.”
Then she’ll change her mind and wish to have a family after a few years of marriage, I’m certain.
‘If I’m patient with him, he’ll open up to me on an emotional level,’ I think.
All of these individuals were stepping into a trap, which was the mistaken expectation that the other person would modify their behavior. If it were possible to transform other people into the individuals we believe they should be, none of us would be in a marriage relationship. Thinking that the other person would change is like to dropping a pencil and expecting it to fall up rather than down. Unfortunately, things do not operate in this manner. “If the other person had never changed – and if I hadn’t changed – would I still have wanted to be in that relationship?” says the author, rather than pondering how things may have turned out.
Would it have worked if you had been there, and the other person had been there? Obtaining an answer to this issue removes any false expectations, self-delusions, and “what ifs.”
It is important to note that the question is not “Did you desire your divorce?” but rather “Was your divorce inevitable?”. It is obvious what you should do.
Make a brisk, direct approach to the problem. If the other person expressed a desire to leave, and particularly if a third party was involved, it was very always unavoidable. It’s possible that your ex-spouse was engaged in something you couldn’t live with – alcoholism, obsessive spending, or anything else – and that you didn’t want the divorce, but it may have been the only viable option between two evils.
The inevitability of the divorce serves as your starting point, the fundamental piece of knowledge to which you may always go when you find yourself dithering or waffled. It’s inevitable that you’ll come to the conclusion that there was nothing you could have done before, and there is nothing you can do now, to save your marriage. If you think about it, any effort in that direction is a waste of time. Then you’ll realize that the only direction you can gaze is forward at this point in time.
2. What do you believe was the root of your marriage’s dissolution.
A few of the most often cited causes for divorce include drug or alcohol addiction, sexual differences or preferences, adultery, physical aggression, challenges with the balance of power, financial difficulties, children, and in-laws.
Other, more subtle motives, on the other hand, have just recently emerged in our society, as personal development and meaningful relationships have become more essential. Modern society is less tolerant of relationships that are stagnant or mentally damaging.
Perhaps you will wake up one morning and discover that there is nothing in your room…. Perhaps you are trapped in a cage, with the walls closing in around you. However, even when it seems that the other person is not causing any deliberate or real injury, this circumstance may be just as mentally devastating and destructive as being physically assaulted.
Compared to previous generations, we are much more vigilant and sensitive to these types of challenges nowadays. Prior to the disclosures and revolutions of the 1960s, individuals were more likely to remain married and resort to affairs, drugs or alcohol, extended absences, or whatever they might find to soothe the agony of a marriage that was no longer functioning. During this time, people were more likely to have children. Today, we deal with the problem more directly, which may necessitate the dissolution of the partnership in certain cases.
Even when people have different opinions, this does not always spell doom. Relationship issues may be resolved, and the process of doing so can actually improve and enrich a bond. In contrast, when we believe that our wants aren’t being fulfilled, or that our desires aren’t being acknowledged and appreciated, we have a propensity to withdraw from the connection, to stop loving or expressing our love as much as we once did. In turn, the other person becomes isolated, and injuries that are difficult to repair may result as a result.
How to Get Rid of Your Divorce Blues
3. Before getting married, what were your hopes and dreams?
Having grown up hearing tales like Cinderella and Prince Charming, it is possible that we subconsciously believe that these stories are true. Even if we aren’t aware of it, some part of us may still hold the belief that good,
passive, beautiful girls receive magical assistance in their quest for eternal love with wealthy, handsome princes — or that brave, dashing boys who persevere always find gorgeous, angelic girls who become perfect, loyal wives.
Our expectations for marriage aren’t always any more reasonable than our expectations for other aspects of our lives.
“I’m going to open up this tough, quiet spouse of mine,” a lot of women envision. His emotions will bubble to the surface when he is with me, and he will be rescued.” On few occasions does one’s anticipation come true. For many men, finding not just a substitute for their mother, but also someone who is an excellent lover, is a popular ideal. In addition, the following are typical expectations:
- “He’ll take care of my financial stability for the rest of my life; I’ll never have to worry about money again,” says the woman.
- “She’ll be the ideal wife who creates a lovely house, anticipates my every need, and prepares a fantastic supper on a daily basis for me. ” ‘Our home life will be wonderfully harmonious, full of nice things and joyful, gorgeous children,’
- With him around, I’ll never be bored again. He’ll add excitement and adventure to my life.
- All of the time, sex will be totally great.
- In the end, I’ve found someone who cares about me enough to make my life easier and provide me with all the strokes I need.”
Discovering what you expected from your marriage can help you have a better understanding of why it didn’t work out and where your bitterness may have originated.
4.In your opinion, how long do you want the divorce to take?
In the event that you had hoped to complete the treatment as fast as possible but instead found yourself in the middle of a lengthy and drawn-out procedure, you were likely disappointed and thwarted. Your divorce hangover may include feelings of resentment or hostility toward your ex, your attorneys, or the judicial system.
The other option would be to drag the process out as long as possible, in the hopes of reaching a better settlement, making the other party suffer, or perhaps reuniting with your spouse. In the event if everything happened really rapidly, you could still be dissatisfied or disturbed. In this case, you may wish to consider your motivations for wanting a protracted and bitter divorce.
You should be honest about how long you expect your divorce to take if you are currently in the process of getting one. Consider why you want to prolong the process if you discover you want to. Discuss it with all of the parties involved and, if feasible, come to an agreement on a completion date as soon as possible. If your speed is significantly different from mine, be prepared to modify. In the long term, you’ll come out ahead.
5. When it came to the divorce, what was your first priority?
Getting out of the marriage as fast as possible, the well-being of your children, having the divorce be amicable, receiving a favorable financial settlement, independence, or whatever else was important to you at the time may have been your top priorities.
Another possibility is that you didn’t establish any priorities at all and just went with the flow, dealing with problems as they came.
A divorce hangover is less likely to occur if you were clear about your top objective and followed through on it. Your actions may have been severely restricted if you didn’t have a clear priority to lead you or if your objective was hindered. The fact that things did not turn out the way you expected them to or that your desired outcome from the divorce may be causing you to have leftover resentment.
It’s impossible to overstate how important it is to make working through this process your top priority if you’re currently engaging in a divorce. The answers to practically all of the other questions that come are determined by your choice of top priority. It establishes an overarching objective and helps you stay on schedule.
You will desire other things from the divorce, and it is necessary to prioritize these lesser priorities in order of importance. However, there will be one thing you want above all else, and it is this item that must be your primary focus throughout the divorce process.
6.The most significant advantage, in your opinion, was…
You were probably not thinking along these lines throughout the divorce process, but you may have gained some perspective as a result of the separation..
If you’ve gone through a divorce, you may have seen some positive changes in your life as a consequence of that decision, such as financial advantages. The following are some of the advantages that individuals often highlight.
- The sensation of authority and independence has been heightened.
- The ability to experiment with new types of relationships is granted to you.
- Adversity has allowed for the development of closer relationships with children.
- Career shifts that were tough at the time, but that have turned out to be helpful in the long run are discussed.
- Expanded opportunities for personal development.
- A 20-pound weight loss was achieved.
Even though your divorce was traumatic and you suffered from a terrible divorce hangover, there is a good chance that something nice came out of it.
Workouts in Step 2
Provide answers to each of the cornerstone questions based on your reality at the time of the divorce, followed by responses based on your current reality.
Please make a mental note of your reactions to the following questions (helplessness, confusion, anger, loss of control, etc.). These are the moments at which your hangover begins to manifest itself in these ways.
COUNT YOUR LOSSES IN THE THIRD STEP.
An individual who is keeping a journal.
It is really difficult to go through a divorce. After the loss of a spouse, it is the second most stressful event in one’s life.
However, despite the fact that divorced persons suffer tremendous grief, they do not get the same level of assistance that those who have lost their marriages receive from society.
In reaction to the tremendous losses and changes that have occurred as a result of divorce, and the worry that even bigger losses are still to come, the divorce hangover starts to manifest itself.
Knowing what you’ve lost is critical to moving on with your life. Recall that, following a divorce, loss and change occur for everyone involved – whether they are men or women, and regardless of whether the divorce was initiated or how pleasant the processes seemed to have appeared to have been.
How Much You Stand to Lose
Relationships, money, physical surroundings, personal identity, house, health, family, and social position are all impacted by divorce in various aspects of your life. It seems as though the losses are tearing you apart at the very heart of who you are, how you view yourself, and how others see you, and they appear to last an eternity to come.
There are many different types of losses that everyone endures; here are some of the more frequent ones:
- The partnership has come to an end. Whatever the circumstances, and regardless of who started the divorce, both partners suffer greatly as a result of their decision.
- Financial structure and security are compromised. The reestablishing of credit or a change in lifestyle may be necessary for certain persons. Others, on the other hand, may suffer a severe economic setback, making it a question of mere survival to continue their lives.
- The children’s disappearance, or at the very least their loss of everyday touch with them Some nights, you may not be able to kiss them goodnight. When you finally see the results, you may feel as if you need to put in more effort to make them seem good. As a result, you miss out on the natural flow, the give-and-take that occurs when families live together in close proximity. Even if your children reside with you, you will feel a sense of loss when they go away for weekends, vacations, or holidays with their other parent or other family members.
- a decrease in one’s sense of self-worth and confidence Divorce is often misunderstood in our culture as a sign of failure, or even as a sinful act. One does not feel good about themselves when they are unable to make another person happy or when they cannot make a relationship work. Marriage provides many people with an opportunity to identify themselves and to feel like pleasant, upright, loved individuals who have a role in their society. Divorce removes that support system for the family. “I’m still alright, I’m still me,” only a small number of individuals can claim with confidence about their inherent value.
- loss of sexual relations with that individual Our sexuality is a significant portion of our identity…. The loss of sex, whether it was a significant part of the marriage or only a bit that survived the breakdown of the rest of the relationship, is devastating. If sex was merely a habit or a part of a destructive power struggle for you, there was a benefit in it for you, and you’ve forfeited whatever that payout was for your actions.
- Inability to communicate everyday routines, difficulties, and experiences with someone who was acquainted with them After my divorce, I found that I was always the one who had to replace the light bulbs throughout the house. I used to like gardening, but when there was no one to assist me, it became a burden. Nobody with whom to discuss choices, ask for assistance with the kids if you’re unwell, or just speak about the day’s events is available. You no longer have a date for social gatherings, someone with whom to travel, have supper, and sleep in the same bed.
- Friendships are slipping away from you. Others may have seen you as a member of a pair and are not interested in you as a lone companion. Some of your married pals may consider you a danger.
- Approval has been lost. There is still a societal stigma associated with divorce, despite the fact that there are more divorces than ever before and views have shifted significantly.
- The fact that you just found that you were growing in the incorrect soil and were prepared to go through the anguish of pulling yourself up and planting roots in a different, more nourishing environment makes no difference to this situation. When you divorce, you are considered an outlaw by society, and you are treated as such. If you can’t keep your promises, it seems that you have been a lousy husband and maybe even a horrible parent to those around you.
- In the context of a relationship, the loss of one’s own identity The titles Mr. and Mrs., Sally and Bill, have been removed from your titles. The only thing that distinguishes you is that you are Sally or Bill. This may be especially difficult in locations where the world goes in twos and twos.
- Disruption of the established order, stability, and predictability. Suddenly, the world around you becomes confusing and imprecise; you begin to mirror these characteristics. Everything seems to be going wrong, and you feel completely powerless.
- Possessions have been taken away from me. Old photographs, a rowing machine, a blender, a home, an end table, and a dog are among the items shown. Sometimes the monetary worth of the loss has nothing to do with the magnitude of the harm.
- The loss of one’s “place of residence.” However, even if you are successful in obtaining the property, it will not be the same home as before. Males, in particular, may find this a particularly tough loss since they are less inclined to be “nesters” and to establish a “home” wherever they go.
- Power is being drained away.
- When you are not a member of a married couple, you may experience a loss of authority or social standing in specific social situations. Due to the fact that you are single or that your spouse is the desired visitor, you may not be issued an invitation.
- Loss of family — not just the loss of one’s own family, but also the loss of one’s in-laws – is devastating. Numerous individuals have significant emotional ties to the family of their spouses.
- Divorce causes damage to these connections, and it may even lead to their extinction.
- Traditional holidays are being phased out of existence. No matter whether you have children or not, and regardless of whether or not you observe holidays or do not observe holidays, you have lost sight of what life used to be like.
Nothing Remains the Same
There are comparable and equally terrible changes to each of these losses. Every day (or hourly), the vacant place on a wall where a picture used to hang might serve as a constant reminder of the way things used to be.
The simplest of tweaks, such as a change in your schedule or your name, or the manner in which your expenses are paid, may be quite unpleasant to your whole world. Greater changes, such as relocating to a new home or location, living without children, experiencing a significant financial upheaval, and so on, may be very difficult to handle.
The changes that occur as a result of divorce are not all bad, but they are all difficult. When it comes to change, humans are naturally resistant. We virtually always prefer the familiar over the unknown, even if the familiar isn’t all that fantastic in the first place, says research.
If you’re moving up in your company or being promoted, it might be challenging and unpleasant in the beginning. Even if we needed and wanted to make the move, moving into a new home might be weird.
While undergoing change, it’s normal to feel bewildered, out of control, powerless, furious, or guilty. Currently, people are clinging to the last thread of hope. In order to restore order as fast as possible, your first reaction is to attempt to restore everything to its original state.
When you are unable to do so, when the losses and changes refuse to go away, the frustration and sorrow become nearly intolerable. A natural, primal impulse to defend oneself is triggered when your own existence seems to be at risk. In fact, it seems as if the world has been flipped upside down.
Consider the following:
If you want to be able to deal with your losses, you must first identify them. When Stan and I were having a therapy session, I asked him to compile a list of how his life had been before to the divorce and how it was now, after the divorce. “House, yard, and neighbors” were on his “Before” list. “Apartment in concrete complex, no yard, loss of financial equity and security,” he wrote in his “After” list.
Then I asked him to write out a list of his feelings about the divorce both before and after it. According to the “Before” list, the future was bright, the person was confident and secure, and he or she had a good sense of humor. He or she was also part of a social circle and was intellectual, alert, and strong.
Those who have experienced the “After” list described themselves as “frightened, a failure; angry; despairing; nervous; unsure; bitter; alone; confused; unprepared to deal; powerless.”
Until they sit down and start writing lists, very few individuals have a clear picture of the losses and changes they have experienced.
Workouts in Step 3
- Complete the list of losses described in this article and keep it in a workbook for reference.
- Draw attention to the ones that have had the most impact on your life..
- What you experienced with each loss should be described.
- Identify the changes brought about by your divorce and the emotions you are experiencing in reaction to each change listed.
- As a consequence of the divorce, what was it that you were most scared would happen?
- With regard to the divorce settlement, which of these worries was addressed? Of them, how many are still alive today?
- Would you be able to explain yourself and your life prior to the divorce to someone else?
- Do you have a better idea of who you are right now?
Take the first step towards achieving your goals.
This hangover can be cured: divorce does not have to be a lifelong state of being, a condition that leaves you stuck in constant agony or numbness, as many people believe. It’s the conclusion of one era of your life, and regardless of whether you choose to do so or not, it may mark the beginning of a more fulfilling and happy one in the future. It is a bold decision to make for yourself and your future if you decide to recover from your divorce afterwards.
First and foremost, you must understand what you’re up against. With the healing process, you may begin to develop a whole new way of connecting to yourself, other people, and life in general. Because of your accomplishments, you’ll have the ability and confidence to deal with whatever comes your way. Some of the processes may be straightforward for you, while others will be more challenging and time-consuming. Continue to be adaptable while always on the lookout for potential problems.
