How Deception Can Soon Ruin A Good Relationship
At a symposium on dealing with character disorders a few years ago, the teacher was delivering a list of goals to psychologists who treat them, and I was listening in. Despite the fact that character disorder is a broad word, one way to define it is as persons who do not accept personal responsibility for their actions or inactions in life. Other than ensuring your own personal safety, I will never forget what the teacher mentioned about the number-one priority in treating character disorders being the patient’s well-being.
Stop everything as soon as you detect any kind of dishonesty.
Attempting to assist someone who is deceiving you in any manner does not constitute a connection. Until you have resolved the problem of deceit, you should refrain from additional attempts to assist this individual. It’s the only thing that’s bothering me right now other that. If you have a helpful relationship, trust is vital, and if trust is destroyed, it becomes the sole problem that has to be addressed. Either you repair it or you break up with your partner! A partnership cannot exist in an environment where there is deceit.
A highly seasoned leader in the sector provided intelligent instruction and sound advice to me. “Where there is dishonesty, there is no connection,” he’d learned over thirty-five years of work, and he believed it. It is essential to be honest. Honesty is not just important in therapeutic relationships, but it is also important in dating and marriage.
I’m stuck in quicksand.
Earlier this week, I was listening to a client relate her tale. Because of an extramarital affair, her marriage was destroyed. But what was noteworthy was that the affair did not cause the breakdown of the marriage; instead, it was the lying that did the damage. He had disclosed certain things to his wife, which left her in a condition of complete devastation. Their separation lasted for many months as she dealt with the feelings of betrayal that come with such a situation.
Her decision to reconcile and reunite with her ex-husband came as a result of all that had happened. And he was regretful as she began to soften and open out to him. Afterwards, she discovered that he had not given her the whole story at first, and that the situation was much worse than she had been lead to think.
Second, this deceit was far more damaging than the first. Like the affair had occurred all over again, except this time there was lying on top of the original lying and deceit of it all. It was as if everything had happened all over again. She couldn’t take any more of it! The separation began all over again for her because she felt like she was on quicksand. “Where there is deception, there is no connection,” a smart therapist once said, and her predicament reminded me of that.
Financial relationships, job performance, drug abuse, and a variety of other topics have all been harmed by deceit in my experience.
Even if the backdrop differs from one romantic connection to the next, the lying and dishonesty are just as detrimental regardless of the subject matter. It is true that when you are in the company of someone who is dishonest, you never know what is going on in their world. Your feet aren’t on solid ground, and the earth under your feet might change at any time. It causes you to rethink everything, as one lady put it.
Disguise in the Dating Process
In the realm of dating, there are a plethora of methods for deceiving someone. In this section, we’ll go through some of the most prevalent ones.
Your Relationship Is Being Lied About
Though Karen had strong feelings for Matt, she quickly understood that the relationship was not going to work out long-term for them.
Despite the fact that she enjoyed “having him around,” Matt was becoming more serious in his affections for her than she was. He hadn’t been going out with anybody else and was starting to treat her like a legitimate girlfriend.
She was first uncomfortable with his sincerity, but she attempted to ignore it as best she could. Because she was having a good time, she saw no reason not to continue her night out.
His loving outbursts were growing in frequency, and there were other evidence that he was “becoming addicted.” The more he tried, the more she denied that she was aware that she was not being completely honest with himself. she reasoned to herself. “What’s the harm?”
Afterwards, he leaned over and kissed her as they were watching late-night television. In hushed tones, he expressed his feelings for her:
Suddenly, Karen’s whole body became rigid. Her response, though, was a kiss in return and an act as if nothing had happened. Later, she expressed her want to sleep and said that she was exhausted. He went after she wished him good night.
In the end, Matt had a good feeling about himself. He had the impression that their connection had reached a new level. He had plans for their future and had transformed himself into a different person from before. He drifted off to sleep that night thinking about how he and his partner would spend the day.
What do you believe happened next in the relationship? Essentially, there were two possibilities available. There were two possibilities: Karen could contact Matt the following day and say, “We need to speak.” Because I don’t believe we are experiencing the same kinds of sentiments for each other, I was uneasy last night when you claimed you loved me. ‘I don’t believe that we are on the same path, and I believe that we should just be friends.’
It is unfortunate that this was not the case. She pretended that nothing had changed and carried on as if nothing had changed.
He continued to be taken in by her, and she continued to allow him to be taken in by her as a result. All the while, he pretended that they were boyfriend and girlfriend, taking her to amazing places and activities and lavishing her with time and care. He even chased her, thinking that they were a couple. Moreover, she gave her permission. Despite the fact that she liked being with him, she had to ignore the gradual gap that was building inside her between the way she was behaving and the way she knew she was really feeling.
“He’s extremely enjoyable to be around,” she assured herself. After all, what’s the harm in keeping up with the Jones’?” But only for a short period of time. She then felt the need to move on, and Matt was seen as a hindrance. So she had to ultimately tell him that she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him. As she explained to him, she did not believe that “the relationship was going anywhere.”
Matt had a major setback. The fact that it was true was beyond him to comprehend. They went from being a thing to being done in an instant. Can you tell me how this came about? Because of his disappointment, he did not go on another date for a long period of time.
Many single people have found themselves in Matt and Karen’s predicament, on one side or the other of the fence. Matt, on the other hand, was on the receiving end of a very terrible situation. The deception was that he was led to believe that things were one way when they were not. Moreover, his heart was beating in response to what he considered to be reality. He was severely injured in the end.
Relationships are fraught with pain and, more often than not, heartbreak. When you’re dating, it’s normal to experience heartbreak or hopelessness. The good news is that, although losing one’s heart to the love of one’s life is usually unavoidable in the dating world at some point, losing faith in the other sex is not necessary when two individuals communicate openly with one another. Because we are all members of the same body, as Paul says, “everyone of you must lay deception aside and speak genuinely to his neighbor.”
how deception can soon ruin a good relationship
(See also Ephesians 4:25.) It’s one thing to have loved and lost someone you care about. Something quite different is being loved and then being lied to.
If you’re dating someone and enjoying their company, there’s nothing wrong with trying to figure out where the relationship is headed.
That virtually serves as a definition for the dating situation in question. However, as soon as someone is certain that dating is not heading in the direction that the other person believes or expects it would, that person has a responsibility to inform the other person in a straightforward and honest manner.
Anything less is deceptive and maybe hazardous. Never lead someone astray, nor should you enable them to delude themselves as a result of what you are doing. Matt would have fared much better if he had been injured sooner, as soon as Karen became aware of what was going on in his life. It’s possible that this enhanced his confidence in females. However, the opposite occurred.
Deception in the Presence of Friendship
It is possible for the same event to occur in the other way. While Karen was false about her genuine intentions while pretending to be a girlfriend, there are individuals who are deceptive about their true intentions while pretending to be friends. These are persons who have a hidden crush on someone and will go to great lengths to please that person.
They will often go out of their way to assist or minister to someone, but they will do so with ulterior purposes throughout the whole process. As a result, if the “target” does not reciprocate their devotion, they get upset and behave as if the target had done something wrong. The target was under the impression that they were “just pals” during the whole process.
There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone and getting to know them in order to determine what type of relationship you will have with them. Partnerships that begin as friendships may sometimes develop into something more, and they are some of the greatest long-term relationships. However, this is distinct from having obvious intentions on someone and fooling them over an extended period of time while you have another objective.
It’s certainly not necessary to lay all of your cards on the table right away when you have a crush on someone, but it is recommended. The difference between malicious plans and acceptable shrewdness, on the other hand, is vast. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t when you aren’t.
One of the greatest ways to determine this is to ask yourself, “What will happen if this does not end up the way I want it to?” It is only when you can state honestly that you will be extremely pleased continuing to be friends with the individual and that you will adore the person as a friend that you are being truthful.
If you say something like, “If they don’t want me back as I want them, I don’t care about being ‘friends’ at all,” then your friendship is a front to get money from you. You are the only one who knows for sure.
Misrepresentation of Other People
Individuals may be deceiving to one another about the character of other people in their life on occasion. The way they treat someone may suggest that they are “just a friend,” yet in reality there is more to the relationship than what is being spoken.
While working with a guy who was attempting to figure out his relationship with the lady he was dating, he kept getting the strangest sensation, as if something wasn’t quite right. It seems like she was maybe a bit too emotionally invested in her profession. Although he had no objections to her enthusiasm for her career, he saw something unusual in her connection with her supervisor.
Despite the fact that he had no reason to believe she was dating him or involved in any kind of illegal relationship with him, he had a weird feeling about her employment and the relationship she had with her supervisor.
At long last, he discovered that his fiancée had previously been engaged to her employer. Moreover, there was still some type of enduring connection between them. However, as far as he was aware, it was solely a professional connection. He had been mislead by her.
He was severely duped, and the rest of the relationship went poorly from there.
Not because she worked with a past partner, but because she had not been forthcoming about the nature of her previous connection with her employer, the plan fell apart, and she was fired. He had a sneaking suspicion that she had some type of connection that she was not disclosing. Later, when some additional concerns arose about which she had not been completely forthcoming with him, the relationship came to an end.
If she had not lied about her prior partner, the subsequent problems would not have been such a major matter.
However, once a pattern of dishonesty has been established, it is difficult to restore confidence. (As a side note, she was shortly reunited with her old lover.) I informed my client that he was fortunate to have gotten away from her.)))
Fraudulent Representation of Yourself
In a chapter devoted to honesty, it is important to remember that you will have a successful relationship to the extent that you are able to communicate clearly and honestly about all aspects of your lives.
If you like a certain kind of music, church, movie, or activity, express your preference. If you don’t want to attend a certain kind of event or excursion, tell the truth about it. That does not rule out the possibility of sacrificing your own desires in order to satisfy someone else. However, it does imply that you are not scared to express yourself freely.
As a result, the individual will believe you are someone else than you really are, and there will be problems later. Furthermore, compliant individuals have a tendency to attract dominating, self-centered people in general, which is something you do not want to happen to you. Be truthful, accept that there will be some disagreements, and enjoy the journey.
Facts are being lied about.
Individuals who speak falsehoods about reality rather than about their own sentiments, relationships or personal preferences are known as deluding themselves. Keep an eye out for the following factual fabrications:
• Making up lies regarding one’s whereabouts
• Making false statements regarding one’s financial situation
• Making up stories regarding drug abuse
• Making up stories about seeing or being with another person.
• Making up stories about their history
• Making exaggerated claims regarding their accomplishments
• Other relevant information
When you discover that the person you are dating is telling a falsehood of any type, consider it a character flaw that you should treat as a grave warning. When you lie about reality, you are putting your relationship on extremely fragile ground.
Deception Regarding the Intensity of Hurt and Conflict
We are under the impression that you will disclose the truth on the topics listed above, correct? It is the other individual who you must be on the lookout for! You should pay attention to this portion in particular since, if you lie in this section, you will have no chance of finding out what sort of person you are actually dating.
One of the most crucial things you can do in a dating relationship that is on the verge of becoming serious is to be open and honest about your feelings of pain and disagreement. If you are dating someone and there is an issue with the way he or she has treated you, or if you have been injured in any manner, you must be forward and honest about your feelings. When it comes to disagreement, there are two essential reasons why you should be honest:
1. Being truthful helps to put an end to the suffering or disagreement.
1. Being honest with yourself and others will reveal whether or not a genuine, long-term, and satisfying relationship is feasible with that individual.
If you have been harmed in any manner, bring it up. Don’t retain resentment against anybody. It must also be mentioned if there is anything that the other person has done that you do not agree with, that goes against your principles, or that you believe is wrong.
Without doing so, you risk establishing a false sense of security and intimacy in your connection, which may result in your emotions being mixed up with pain and dread as a result of the situation. The opportunity to learn about the other person and where the relationship may really go is missed if one or both persons are not willing to confront pain and conflict in a straightforward manner. In truth, a relationship that is devoid of conflict is most likely a superficial connection.
