Don’t be the ‘Amazing Wife’ your husband despises.
Another squid in the pond, as they say.
In his marriage, he didn’t find a particularly good match. When it came to height and build, she was uncomfortable, and she came off as a little odd in social situations. Although she was young, some might argue that she was too young to be wearing a band of gold around her wrist.
She was a complete novice in the kitchen, unable to even put together a frozen pizza from a frozen pizza dough. Although she attempted to “dress it up” with thrift shop treasures purchased with their limited budget, their abode remained unadorned and simple.
In our first year of marriage, we made a few mistakes.
As I went down the aisle, my heart hammered hard and steady, my arm connected to my father’s, and I realized for the first time, I was not the “Excellent Wife” who is “hard to find,” as described in Proverbs 31. I was not the “Excellent Wife” who is “hard to find,” as described in Proverbs 31.
When we swear all we don’t know how to offer and commit to a life that is so alien to us, I doubt many of us are at that place on that particular day.
More than anything, I think that it is the stress, the effort, the commitment, the practice of vulnerability, and the grace that marriage necessitates that molds us into exceptional people.
It is an excellent habit–the Habit of Excellence, to be precise.
‘It was written by Aristotle,’
When we do the same thing over and over again, we become who we are. Excellence is not an act, but a habit.
Honestly, I don’t think that many of us were Excellent Wives when we were standing beneath the alter with weak hands, swearing what we didn’t know how to promise.
We are everything but wonderful as we stand there in a glistening white gown with a frail lace veil. We are completely unskilled and untrained in our field of expertise.
Our ability to see into the face of this Excellent Wife is revealed via the passage of time and how we allow time and its circumstances to mould us. This sort of woman that our husband actually craves at his very core—the wife that he requires—becomes visible to us as a result of failure, forgiveness, and grace.
Additionally, this gives us a look into the sort of woman our husband does not want; a wife that does not build him up or prosper him in the same way.
In our modern society, however, the distinction between the two sorts of women has become more muddled than ever, and we will only see these things if we look attentively. By pursuing “excellence” in our modern lives, we have tainted the biblical depiction of the “Excellent Wife.”
Which of the following is your husband’s true desire?
Since walking down the aisle, it’s been more than 5 years, and I’m still not sure I qualify as a “Excellent Wife,” to put it mildly. However, I am gradually seeing that cultivating a habit of excellence is inextricably linked to paying attention to both what my spouse really wants and what he does not.
Perhaps your spouse isn’t searching for a Pinterest Prodigy, an Instagram Idol, or a Brilliant Blogger to wow him. Is it possible that he would prefer it if you turned off your phone, shut off your laptop, and joined him in an afternoon of Scrabble?
Rather of slaving away in the kitchen trying to become a gourmet chef or exactly replicating your “Recipes to Try” board on Pinterest, he may prefer that you prepare simple meals for him.
Instead of losing you to hours of coupon clipping and budget fretting, he may prefer that you be a bit more attentive about how many visits you make to Target each week.
Is it possible that he doesn’t give a damn about keeping the home clean and would rather that you leave the toys and clothes where they are and go play in the yard for an hour?
Perhaps he does not want to be married to a bodybuilder or an Olympic athlete who has ambitions to become successful. Possibly, he would prefer that you pay consideration to what you put into your body, accompany him on walks, and learn to appreciate your physique in the same manner that he does.
You may just want to quit obsessing about what you’re not and instead allow yourself to enjoy who you are, and who you can become, by concentrating instead on your unique abilities, interests, and gifts this coming year instead.
Place all of your knowledge about being a wonderful wife aside.
There’s a good chance you’ll never figure out what your husband wants unless you put aside your own ideas about what an Excellent Wife should be; until you put aside what you think is “Excellent Wife” based on what you see on Pinterest, Instagram, Facebook, or what you read in books and magazines, and instead listen to what your husband, and God, have to say.
To Become an Excellent Wife, Answer These 2 Simple Questions
After all, isn’t the next step in altering our relationships always just a matter of being attentive? Yes, I think that is the case! It is also, in my opinion, the key to being an Excellent Wife (or husband).
Before you do anything else, take a seat next to your spouse and take his hand in yours while asking him this sensitive question: “How do you want me to evolve and grow this year?”
In the second place, go a bit further into the investigation. Ask this follow-up question to expose your emotions a bit more: “What do you want me to avoid concentrating on this year?” Make it possible for your spouse to liberate you from the expectations you’ve been placing on yourself, but which he would like you not to place on yourself.
These are not the kind of questions that I would encourage, such as “If you could alter one thing about me, what would it be?” Not at all. These are questions such as “What do you think are my strengths, talents, and interests, and how would you want me to develop and apply them this year?” the many kinds of inquiries
In addition, with your husband’s wants in the forefront of your thoughts, schedule some time to sit down with a diary, pen, and Bible to reflect.
Don’t look down on her or treat her poorly. She is not someone to envy. Avoid giving up because you’re feeling frustrated. Instead, put next to each quality a description of what that virtue may look like in your particular season of life and marital objectives, relevant to your situation.
Ink has been scribbled on a piece of paper, and there it is before you. In your own marriage and life, you have created a unique image of what it means to be an Excellent Wife. It’s important to pick it up, keep it close, and step forth with confidence this year, equipped with your husband’s heart desires and biblical knowledge, as well as prayer and trust.
This year, cultivate the habit of excellence and become the woman your husband really desires and needs! –
Awakening to the Reality of Marriage
For the most part, the day I discovered that my marriage wasn’t going so well seemed to be very routine. It was also quite tough, as it is with each time you are confronted with an unsettling fact you have been avoiding. A typical Tuesday morning consisted of juggling breakfast, signing school papers, and dealing with the rest of our family’s usual turmoil while attempting to get everything done. When it came to our daughter, my husband Jeff was in his typical good humor, tormenting her into fits of laughs, and pretending to sneak bits of bread from our son. Tired and irritable, I was attempting to make a schedule for the day.
It didn’t help that Jeff had neglected to wash the dishes from the night before, and I wanted him to get the kids moving as quickly as possible rather than letting them run about and waste time playing. When our son’s toast fell to the floor as he tried to take it back from Jeff’s pretend efforts to consume it, I reacted…
In the kitchen, I screamed at everyone, even my husband. They were in tears because I made them laugh so hard. In that moment, I felt so justified in my rage that I didn’t even care about their tears or Jeff’s broken expression. My precise words are hazy in my memory, but I do remember what my husband said to me in response: “Could you please stop referring to me as if I am one of the kids?” I’m not sure what it is about us that makes you so enraged. In hushed tones, he stated it. In fact, he didn’t seem to be upset. His voice was depressed, to put it mildly, He also seemed to be exhausted. A guy who didn’t know what to do with his life at the time
Although I’d like to think that my reaction was sincere, I can’t. It was not the case, though. Instead, I became defensive and said, “Perhaps if you didn’t behave like a kid, I would be able to speak to you like an adult and I wouldn’t be so irritated! Without saying anything further, he walked away from me. To avoid any awkwardness, he discreetly kissed the children and then went out the door without saying anything. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was speechless. In all of our years of marriage, he had never done anything like this. When I arrived to work, I was able to keep it together. When my office door was finally closed behind me, I broke down and sobbed.
The fact that I was so upset and angry all of the time baffled me. My spouse was a wonderful person. My children were a joy to be around. Because of this, life had become quite hectic. There were times when I felt completely exhausted. Overwhelmed. Even worse, my spouse and I were becoming more estranged from one another. I had the impression that we were more like roommates than lovers at times. I was wrong. Roommates that are really grumpy Even on bad days, it was really difficult to be patient. In addition, Jeff was usually so upbeat that I didn’t even notice he was depressed as well. In our marriage, I was terrified for the first time. Given my inability to solve things, I did the only thing I knew how to do.
Then I prayed to the Almighty for assistance in repairing my marriage.
I remember sitting in our pastor’s office with my husband, who was feeling anxious. We had made the decision to seek professional assistance in order to get our marriage back on track after much deliberation and consideration. We were all talking at the same time, so our pastor took notes. However, even though my husband was kind and kind when he talked about me, it was upsetting for me to learn that I had become irritable and snappy while speaking to him and the children.
Moreover, he seemed to be somewhat taken aback by the fact that I was so irritated, and that my anger was often masked by fatigue and exasperation. By the conclusion of our encounter, we were both in tears. Having all of my tension and anguish out in the open, on the other hand, was a tremendous release. It was a wonderful feeling of liberation. After many days of uncertainty, it was the first time I felt optimistic that everything would turn out well.
The session ended with him handing us a card and telling us to go home and complete an online marital examination, then return the following week with the findings. His words to us were, “I know you two are in love.” The way you gaze at each other tells me a lot about you.” How you sit close to each other and hold hands. Communication, I believe, is your greatest obstacle. You are no longer able to ‘hear’ each other. “I believe that this will assist you in determining the reason for your confusion.”
That evening, when we returned home, we decided to take the exam jointly. My husband and I were experiencing some troubles at the time, and simply by filling out the questionnaire, I was able to see some of them more clearly. And it was only after we looked through our findings that we realized why we had been having difficulties.
My dissatisfaction with my husband’s parenting approach was mostly due to the way I saw it. He was being laid-back because he desired calm, but I was being more firm because I wanted order. We were also diametrically opposed in our approach to dealing with disagreement! I was trying to keep my anger under control, and he was avoiding difficult talks in order to make things as peaceful as possible for us both. It was ultimately having a detrimental impact on our relationship and was driving us apart at a time when we needed to work together more than we could well imagine.
During premarital therapy, you learn a great deal about how to treat your future husband. However, it does not always prepare you for the changes that will take place between you and your partner in the near future. When you add children, expenses, and a job to the mix, it’s amazing how much your life will change. You may notice a significant difference in how you interact on your first day of married life 10 years later. It is possible that if you are not cautious, you may inadvertently injure one another if you do not identify the danger.
However, while the day I lost my temper still makes me feel embarrassed, in many ways, I believe it was the wake-up call that I needed to alter the way I was living as a wife and for Jeff to mature as a husband. The situation isn’t ideal (when is it ever? ), but Jeff and I have been putting into practice what we’ve learned from our evaluation as well as working with our pastor to rebuild our marriage back to the way it was before the stresses of everyday life tore us apart. The road has been paved with change, humility, and a great deal of prayer, but I believe that with dedication and God’s support, we will succeed!
