Does Expressing anger decrease anger?
We are in the midst of a major transformation. Couples today are working to construct cultural institutions of marriage and couple relationships on a basis of freedom, just as humanity has battled to build political institutions that liberate people.
We strive to leave behind the ugly trappings of control that made marriage function when it was a male-dominated institution as we replace controlled relationships with voluntary associations. The truth is that loving and intimate relationships between equals must be freely chosen.
Anger implies control efforts, which eliminates equality. One person in charge forces another to relinquish authority over his or her own actions. Equality is being pushed out. Freedom is being pushed out.
Love and intimacy, for example, are things that can only be offered freely.
It’s not a question of learning how to express rage “properly.”
Except when justified by a violated promise or agreement, there can be no justifiable use of attempted control among equals. When pledges and commitments are violated in relationships, it is the violation of those agreements that causes the relationship to be troubled, not the anger.
When one partner in a monogamous relationship is unfaithful, fury is an effort to enforce the broken contract. It would be absurd to consider the partner’s enraged reaction wrong, presuming it falls short of killing. Is rage, on the other hand, essential and natural?
The desire to vent anger stems from the belief that if anger is not expressed, it will build up and burst. Confronting and communicating are often suggested as solutions to this situation. Yes, you would need to find a means to “take off” the pressure if you were a hydraulic machine and rage was a hydraulic liquid that built up pressure when it had nowhere to go. Anger, on the other hand, is not like steam pressure or hydraulic fluids in a hose. Anger is a collection of actions. Unfortunately, many of those actions have become habits.
Consider the following: When you don’t execute certain behaviors, such as being kind to others, behaving lovingly toward others, or laughing with others, do they build up like steam?
Isn’t it true that if you haven’t been polite to people in a while, you are much less inclined to be friendly to others? Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?
That example, aren’t you more likely to continue expressing love, pleasure, or laughter in the future if you do it frequently? Anger operates in the same manner. You’re more inclined to do it if you do it often.
Anger is not reduced by expressing it; on the opposite, it is increased.
People may suppress their rage. Acting and feeling submissive to and less important than others is the result of this. People who suppress their anger are often mistreated to the point that they snap and “let someone have it.” This may be beneficial to a relationship in the short term. It makes the other person back off, and there is a temporary agreement that “you don’t step on me.” However, in the long term, these outbursts, or “expressions,” reinforce the impression that the relationship is fundamentally combative, and that maintaining it requires strong fighting abilities.
Any sense of choice in living and loving together will eventually be driven away by this antagonistic mentality.
When you’re furious, it signifies you’ve selected assault and control as your problem-solving strategy out of habit. You use to attack and control to address many difficulties in your life if you have an anger problem. Choosing different solutions to problems does not necessitate suppressing or expressing rage. It simply implies that you will no longer reflexively turn to assault to solve your difficulties.
This article presents alternate methods for resolving relationship difficulties that don’t include assaulting or preparing to harm your spouse. If you want your relationship to maintain its love and closeness, the partnership must feel free to both of you. Love and intimacy are inextricably linked.
They’re killed through force. They’re killed through control. They die from rage.
This book walks you through the process of developing new habits for dealing with situations that you often “fix” with anger.
Learning alternatives to stifling or expressing anger decreases its presence in your relationships and helps in maintaining the feeling of freedom and equality required for continuing loving and caring.
Working to lessen anger in your relationships can reap much more benefits than just minimizing “blowups” or even preventing the destructive and illogical actions that come with it. Anger management objectives like these are legitimate, vital, and fulfilling.
However, this article will help you with much more than managing or controlling your anger.
Anger makes you feel less free. It makes communication difficult, if not impossible, and relationships wither on the vine without communication. Your intellect is harmed by anger. It causes a constant need to dominate or escape control in your relationships. It leads you farther away from your need for a deep and loving relationship with another human being.
A peaceful mind, a feeling of liberation, greater connection with another person, relief from the search for power, and the comfort and vigor that come with a life focused on encouraging rather than dominating each other are all benefits of giving up the anger habit in your relationships.
Thirty years of counseling couples has taught me that the family has not yet fully embraced civilization. Individuals bring to marriage patterns of family interaction that are founded on combative living. Only strength and control can fix an adversary’s difficulties.
Individuals enter major relationships with the goal of equality in mind, yet they arrive with weapons, armor, and the habit of rage. Happy and long-lasting relationships need voluntary collaboration, freedom of association, mutual respect, and adherence to agreements; in other words, healthy relationships necessitate civilized conduct at home.
To attain these objectives, it is critical that you complete the activities in each chapter. Understanding your anger behavior is insufficient to modify it. It takes time and effort to establish a new attitude—one of problem-solving rather than controlling and attacking. Every activity includes examples of “answers” to use as a reference for your own written replies. It might be helpful to begin by duplicating one of the examples and allowing it to become your own as you write.
Finding a friend, counselor, or family member with whom you can discuss concerns that occur as you go through the classes may also be beneficial. If you’re utilizing the book in an anger management class or group, you’ll have the chance to talk about problems as they arise.
Alice and John have been unhappily married for a long time and have gone through marital therapy and weekend relationship courses. On a gorgeous Saturday morning, John wakes up thinking about how much fun golf would be. "It's going to be a wonderful day," Alice says, interrupting his thoughts. John is curious as to what Alice has planned for him. Maybe you should clean the gutters? His demeanor shifts to annoyance. This apparently carefree start to a summer weekend is really the precursor to yet another weekend of rage and bitterness. Breakfast will not be complete until a glum John criticizes Alice, after which a wounded Alice will be quiet. Alice and John are much more separated from each other than before, despite years of sincere efforts to mend their relationship. They are often accompanied by rage, bitterness, and pain. However, they both recall how things were at the start of their marriage, and they boldly pursue a painful quest for their lost closeness. Alice and John are both unaware of how devastating rage is in their relationship. Neither of them realizes how much rage is a part of their life. They've been "educated" that expressing rage is beneficial. Even though they have never been able to do so, they presume that other people are skilled at "getting through" their furious disputes. No one has ever explained to them what anger is, how it works, or how damaging it can be. They will not be able to achieve peace and happiness with each other if they continue to be angry. They have no idea that they are individually accountable for their own wrath and hatred at this stage. They, like most individuals, believe that their wives "make" them furious.
Finally, as you move through the chapters of this manual, you’ll learn how to keep track of your progress in improving your problem-solving approach. Although there are examples supplied, you will need a journal or private notebook to keep track of your progress. It’s critical to acknowledge and document your achievements. They will support your efforts and act as role models for continuing to solve difficulties without turning to rage.
Anger is all too prevalent in marriages and relationships. We all know that remaining married has chances similar to winning a coin flip. A good, fulfilling relationship is statistically much less likely. We can no longer afford to believe that the most serious issue with anger is that individuals do not express it in a healthy manner.
The most serious issue with anger is that there is too much of it and that it is constantly expressed.
But haven’t people been furious before? Anger was probably as prevalent three generations before when more individuals remained married.
What is the difference between then and now that causes connections to break while they were generally maintained during our grandparents’ time? The argument is that rage made little difference in relationships three generations ago since males were supposed to manage them anyhow.
To comprehend this shift, we must first comprehend what anger is and why we get furious. Anger is the recognition that your body is about to physically assault someone.
When we are often irritated, we are naturally,
2 In Relationships, The Anger Habit
We chose to address our issues by threatening others out of habit. We have a tendency to solve all of our issues by gaining power over others.
Anger is a kind of control that involves threatening to strike others.
Others’ behavior are often changed as a result of threats and furious facial expressions. Others take steps to avoid our rage.
Our furious reactions are rewarded and readily become habitual because they generate rapid changes in the conduct of others. Anger regulation might become a favored way to address challenges.
It’s critical to recognize that being furious in order to gain greater control is a problem-solving strategy. We have the Anger Habit or the Control Habit when it becomes our preferred approach of coping with most difficulties.
We have a Relationship Anger Habit, a Work Anger Habit, or a Parenting Anger Habit when we use anger to address the majority of difficulties we encounter in a certain area of our life. An ordinarily mild-mannered individual, for example, may have just one means of coping with relationship issues: gaining dominance in the relationship, or at the very least determining who is dominant.
The dominating individual then gets to make the decisions. This is the wolfpack’s answer to every relationship issue. When the “top dog” threatens, the others follow suit.