Criticism’s Impact on Relationships
The damaging impact that criticism would have on a relationship is something I witness over and over again in my practice with couples. In this piece, I’d want to look at what three of my favorite relationship gurus have to say about criticism and how it affects relationships in their own words.
The Gottmans, Drs. John and Julie
It is beyond a doubt that Drs. John and Julie Gottman were the therapists who conducted the most extensive study into the impact of criticism on interpersonal relationships. Their “love lab,” in which hundreds of couples were screened, questioned, and monitored over the period of two decades, has made them world-famous among couples everywhere. In the course of their investigation, the Gottmans discovered that they could predict whether a couple would remain together or divorce in less than five minutes with 90 percent accuracy.
To characterize four communication styles that may forecast the end of a relationship, they developed a metaphor that they called “The Communication Styles Index.” It was they who were dubbed “The Four Horsemen,” a moniker derived after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the New Testament, who represent the end of time and are shown as horses.
Criticism
Contempt \Defensiveness \Stonewalling
This essay will only cover the first and second of these “horsemen,” since they are the most important ones.
The act of criticizing your spouse is distinct from the act of delivering a criticism or expressing a complaint. In contrast to criticism, which is about undermining your partner’s character and identity, critiques and complaints are more focused on particular flaws.
In the case of the following complaint: “We haven’t gone on vacation together in a long time!” “I’m fed up with hearing about our financial difficulties! Specifically, we notice a problem with one partner being handled in this instance.
It is possible that a critique will sound something like this: “You never want to spend money on us! Because you waste all of our money on frivolous items, we’ll never be able to go on vacation together! In this case, the partner’s personality is being attacked directly. As a result, they will almost certainly go into defensive mode, setting the stage for conflict.
In general, criticism has the disadvantage of opening the door for the worst of the horsemen, namely disdain, to enter the scene.
Having contempt for your spouse means seeing them in a bad light and refusing to provide them with the benefit of a doubt. It’s common for the disdainful spouse to strike from a position of dominance. This might convey a message to their spouse that they are not loved, appreciated, understood, or respected as a result of their behavior. This does nothing to help the couple establish a connection of safety, security, and trust. Because this negative style of connection is modeled by parents, it results in a significant level of uneasiness and worry among their children, which is a tragedy.
According to Dr. Gottman’s research, treating your spouse with disdain is the most significant predictor of divorce. It is, without a doubt, the most harmful of the four communication types examined below.
Dr. Stan Tatkin is another well-known clinical specialist and researcher in the field of couples therapy, having developed a psychobiological approach to couples therapy (known as PACT). When it comes to war and love, he goes into great depth on how the brain may be wired, but he also points out that our brains aren’t always that good at this thing called love:
“The brain is wired first and foremost for battle, not for love,” says the author. We exist as individuals and as a species because of its core role, and it is very effective at this.”
Tatkin discusses how important it is for couples to create the “couple bubble” in order to combat the trend toward war that has been seen. This is the intimate realm of the partnership in which you and your spouse communicate to one another that the relationship is a secure and safe sanctuary for you both. In times of stress or hardship, it sends the message that your spouse can be your go-to person; it also sends the message that your partner has your back, is concerned about your well-being, and will defend you. Relationships that are genuinely successful are fostered by couples who understand how to create a “couple bubble.”
A couple finds itself at odds with one another because of contempt and persistent criticism. This is the polar opposite of the relationship bubble. Smart couples who want to build a successful and happy relationship must do all in their power to keep and develop a strong couple bubble in their relationship.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a kind of psychotherapy that focuses on the emotions of the client (EFT)
EMDR was developed by Sue Johnson, who was hailed by Dr. Gottman as “the finest couples therapist in the whole world.” Criticism is seen as a component of what is referred to as “the negative cycle” in this concept. If left unchecked, the negative cycle is an interaction cycle between two individuals that may result in a significant level of isolation and detachment in a relationship.
In the EFT technique, the emphasis would be on identifying and releasing the emotion that is at the root of and fueling the criticism. Defusing the negative cycle requires dealing with the underlying feelings that are causing it. The purpose of EFT is to get at the softer, more sensitive sentiments that are at the root of the cycle of negativity.
In the words of Stan Tatkin, the objective would be to get access to the loving brain that lies underneath the fighting brain. Making an emotionally safe atmosphere for exploration is critical in order to get access to the softer underbelly of often fierce confrontations. Create an emotionally safe setting for investigation Creating an emotionally safe place for my couples to address the emotions that are at the root of their negative and reactive cycles is frequently the majority of what I do with them in the beginning. The first step out of a negative cycle is to acknowledge and name the more delicate and vulnerable sentiments that lie underneath it.
George and Beth are a married couple.
One of my couples came into the office tired from their never-ending, cyclical arguments. They had a bad cycle that went something like this: George would be critical, and Beth would get defensive in response. As a result, in attempt to make his point more clearly, George would become more critical, which only served to make Beth even more defensive. They would go around and around on their not-so-merry-go-round for hours on end.
What eventually stopped their negative cycle was when George began to see what was going on in his own life just before he began to become judgmental of everyone else. In his eyes, Beth was someone who had several things going on at once; he didn’t feel like he was that high on her priority list, which was devastating to him. Instead of communicating with Beth about how much he valued her and how much he missed spending meaningful time with her, he would criticize her. He would get her attention in this manner, but it would be in a bad one.
This is unfortunately precisely the behavior that his parents had set as an example for him to follow. As a result of Beth’s ability to observe the pain that was behind his critical assaults, she was able to step forward and express her confidence in his ability to recover from them. George, confident in Beth’s affection for him, learned to be less critical and more assertive in his requests for what he really needed. This couple was well on their way to healing their relationship and establishing a strong couple bubble at the time of the interview.
Every relationship will experience some level of tension and disappointment. This is beneficial in the long run. Relationships do not have to be destroyed because of disagreements and disappointments. It is how the couple deals with problems that is important.
People who are able to avoid the four horsemen and come together skillfully (as the Gottmans do), people who are able to access their loving brain versus their warring brain even when under duress (as Dr. Tatkin does), people who can speak to the vulnerability that lies beneath their reactivity (as EFT practitioners do) are all examples of couples who will thrive, even in the most stressful of circumstances.
