Can I Fall In Love With A Man That I Would Not Choose As A Friend?
Take-Away Suggestions
• If you discover that you are not really friends with someone you have a “crush” on, take this as a clue that something is not right.
When you want someone to grow, don’t expect him or her to acquire character simply because you want him or her to grow.
• If you see a trend of being drawn to the incorrect person, don’t put the blame on external factors; instead, accept responsibility for being the one who has a problem and focus on identifying the source of the issue.
• Force yourself to confront the difficult questions about the person you are now with. With the assistance of your pals, be honest about whether or not you really “like” the individual and whether or not you have “chemistry” with him or her as well. When it comes to romantic sentiments, they may be deceiving and even pathological. They do not represent “real love.”
• The things that endure in a relationship are friendship and a set of ideals that are shared. Do not put your faith on your romantic sentiments.
• Romance is a wonderful thing. Sexuality is a wonderful thing. Attraction is a wonderful thing.
But here’s the rub: if none of these are based on a long-lasting friendship and respect for that person’s character, something is seriously wrong with the relationship.
• Friendship should always be the underlying basis of any love connection, regardless of the circumstances. Romance is ephemeral, and it comes and goes with the wind. Friendship is a bond that lasts a lifetime. Both are essential in maintaining a long-term connection.
You and Dennis seem to be developing a romantic relationship,” I (Dr.
To Stephanie’s chagrin, Cloud) said The three of us had attempted unsuccessfully to get together.
Every time she caught up, she had been doing something with Dennis at the same time.
Her response was, “No, thanks.” “It’s simply that I like his company. The fact that we like it
a lot of the same topics, and we have some very good conversations about it He, on the other hand,
Simply put, he’s simply a pal.”
What is it about him that makes him so unappealing?
The question came from me.
“I’m not sure what to say.” You’re drawn to whatever it is that you find appealing.
Dennis is one of those people with whom I just cannot communicate. Yet, there is something I like about
His friendship with me is one of my favorite things about him.”
Then I answered, “I can understand it.” There are certain people who aren’t destined to fall.”
love is a state of mind If so, where do you have the “thing” you’re describing taking place at this time? ”
While she replied yes, I could sense that everything was not right with her. “Yeah, I do,” I responded.
whatever the “thing” was doing at the time His name is Ryan, and he’s a young man.”
For the last three months, I’ve been dating him. Everything about me screams “I have the thing.”
I’m very drawn to him in a sense that goes beyond friendship, at least when it comes to him. Some difficulties do exist,” she continues.
“Are you referring to anything specific?
“I inquired. “
“I’m not sure how to put it. I don’t know what to say.” Physically and romantically, I’m attracted to him in a strong way. I’m well-versed in all things butterfly, you understand. I think about him a lot and wish I could spend more time with him. In any case, I have no idea what to do now after going through all of that.
“Can you explain what you mean by ‘you don’t know what you’re doing’?”
I inquired.
In terms of romance and other such elements, “Well, there’s a lot of that.” It is not that we are sleeping together, but there is a lot of physicality in our partnership. In addition, I’m experiencing a lot of ‘falling in love sentiments.’ When I take a closer look, though, there isn’t much more to it than that. We don’t really speak about serious issues a lot around here. It’s just this chemistry and wanting to be with him that I can’t quite put my finger on as to why.
“Then there are those aspects of him that I would not ordinarily gravitate toward.” He does not seem to be very spiritual, yet he appears to be rather motivated in other respects. And there are times when he just does not communicate. “However, I am aware that I am falling for him in a manner that I am unable to articulate,” she stated. “When I am with him, I get a sense of being alive. Despite the fact that our connection is somewhat superficial, he has access to a really personal part of me. “That doesn’t make any sense, does it?”
My observations were as follows: “It seems to me that you are ‘in love’ with Ryan, but that you have a far more genuine connection with Dennis,” I noted. “In reality, it seems to me that you should look for someone with whom you have both of these characteristics. As with Dennis, you have a strong connection and the capacity to express important things while still communicating and having fun. You also have chemistry with Ryan, which is a great combination.”
“Yeah. That would be really convenient. However, it seems like these two personalities are constantly present in my life. There are two types of men in my life: the sort I like and the one I fall in love with. “I’ve never seen them together in the same place,” I said. When she articulated her predicament, she sounded nearly exhausted.
I then proceeded to tell Stephanie everything that was on my mind at that very time. I knew I had to do it for her sake, so I got to work. But, in the process, I felt sorry for her because I knew she was on her way to experiencing heartbreak.
She had done this a few of times previously, and I wanted to warn her that she was on the verge of repeating her previous mistake. She would let the chemistry she had with someone to cloud her judgment about certain very key aspects of a healthy, long-lasting relationship that are necessary for it to succeed.
For the most part, she would fall in love with guys who she would not select as friends if she had the chance. She would pursue guys who did not share her spiritual commitment, her values, her depth of communication, her hobbies, or any of the many other areas of her life that she valued and cherished.
There would simply be this magnetic pull that she would be unable to rationalize in any way, shape, or form. She felt a tremendous connection to him, but it was unfulfilling, and she would have to rely on Dennis to meet all of her other wants if she wanted to be happy. Friendship, communication, and having a nice time “simply hanging out” were all things that she enjoyed doing outside of the context of the person she was in a relationship with.
A Frequently Occurring Problem
Stephanie’s predicament is shared by a large number of single people we’ve met. Perhaps you feel the same way. You may be attracted to one sort of person, but discover that you are better friends with another type, and that you have a stronger bond with the “friend” than you do with the person you are drawn to in the first place.
The majority of the time, like in Stephanie’s case, the person you are drawn to is just incapable of connecting with all aspects of your life. However, in certain instances, it is far more than that. Sometimes you find yourself drawn to someone who is completely unsuitable for you.
You may be experiencing all kinds of longings and chemistry with someone who is not only deficient in some qualities, but also has certain potentially damaging traits in her personality. Your partner may be self-centered, deceitful in some manner, critical, dominating, or oblivious to your requirements. This is the kind of person you would never select as a friend since you would have very little in common with her and would not want to be burdened with all of her troubles if you did.
Despite this, you find yourself hopelessly drawn to or falling in love with someone who is just like this. Then, as the relationship progresses, the fundamental issues will become apparent, and you will realize that the connection has no long-term substance. Nonetheless, even in that case, you find it tough to end the relationship since you have such a deep connection to the other person.
The Disagreement
On one of our radio shows, we were discussing dating, and a lady phoned in with the dilemma described above. She said that there were two types of men in the world: the good and the bad. One was the beautiful type who lacked character, while the other was the kind who lacked attractiveness but had high character and spiritual depth, but lacked attractiveness. “Can you tell me what I should do?” she inquired.
“Have you ever considered the possibility that there aren’t actually two categories of people in the world as you have described?” we inquired. “However, is it possible that this has anything to do with you?” For whatever reason, you may be drawn to shallow or destructive men in particular. And it’s possible that you’re reserving those sensations of attraction for the nice ones?”
“No. That isn’t the case at all. There are only two kinds of guys in the world, and they are both bad. A distinction is made between the good-looking, powerful and beautiful men and the excellent guys who aren’t all that fascinating. Her response was, “I’ve seen it a million times.”
“Oh, we suppose you’ve watched it a number of times,” we replied with a laugh.
“However, what we are asking is if you have ever considered the possibility that this has anything to do with you and not the male race. It’s possible that you have a divide in your personality that is allowing you to be attracted to one kind of guy while dismissing another type.”
“No. You don’t grasp what I’m saying. The truth is that there are only two kinds.” She continued even more passionately than she had previously.
In other words, you are telling us that there isn’t a single gorgeous guy in the whole world that has depth and spiritual traits about him?
Can I fall in love with a man that I would not choose as a friend?
What we were trying to convey was that none of those who do have good depth and character are at all attractive in any way. We did this simply to help her realize how ridiculous she sounded.
Then she said, “You’re absolutely right.” “I’ve been dating for a long time, and that is exactly what is out there,” says the author of the article.
‘Well, in that case, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see if you’re correct.
Our listeners were told, “All right, Southern California.” “Everyone who is single should drive to our studio right now and form two lines,” says the producer. You should join one line if you are attractive in any way, and another line if you have any depth to your character, spiritual life, or personality.
Afterwards, we might be able to pair you up and enlist your assistance in helping each other. Monks and nuns could learn from the ugly, deep ones, and the beautiful people could share their knowledge with the monks and nuns about style, charisma, and other topics. Maybe then the two groups will come together and we will be able to establish some relationships here.”
Ultimately, the show proved to be spectacular! We were there for four hours, taking phone calls from people who were experiencing this issue. The good news is that not everyone was as oblivious to their own role in the situation as the initial caller. They could see that there was more to the dynamic than some sort of external explanation, such as the one she came up with about there being two types of men in the world, and that they needed to investigate further.
Furthermore, we had a very stimulating time examining the factors that contribute to this type of problem, because it is a very resolvable one, and one that we see people grow out of on a consistent basis. When someone who has struggled in this area comes in and says, “I have finally found someone who has everything I have been looking for,” we are overjoyed. The rewards of spiritual and personal development are immeasurable.
We tell singles who are experiencing this difficulty the following:
1. If you are attracted to someone who does not possess the character and friendship qualities that you require in a long-term relationship, do not expect to be able to change him or her in the short term. Because someone desires to go further, it is necessary for him or her to do so further. Eliminate the illusion of hope.
2. Recognize that this is a difficulty. In the event that you notice a pattern, don’t assume that the problem is entirely external to you and that you simply “haven’t found the right one yet.” So many reasons are given by people who do not want to acknowledge that they have a pattern that they need to examine regarding the way that they see people, or the people that they attract, or the ones that they are drawn to.
3. Make every effort to become aware of the reality of the person you are attracted to and the nature of the relationship you are in. Inquire as follows: • Do you have the impression that all of your parts are connected?
a. Do you have the ability to communicate all of your values to someone else?
b. Is there a difference between the spiritual commitments?
c. Identify any character traits that you find yourself ignoring, denialing, or excusing in your own life.
d. Overall, would you consider this person to be a friend or an acquaintance?
4.Then make certain that you speak with someone else about these concerns. I When you are talking to someone and confessing what is true, it is more difficult to maintain denial.
Is your longing for “being in love” with your desire to be with someone else? There are many times when someone yearns for the fantasy person of their dreams and believes that they are in love with him or her.
Keep in mind that love is a fulfilling experience. In no way does it leave you yearning for a romantic partner.
5.Do you think you’re in love when you’re not? 5. Excessive romantic interest is a projection of one’s own needs and idealized fantasies onto another, which have little to do with the person’s actual personality. Many times, people imagine a type of person who represents a lot of things that they require or idealize, and they believe that they are falling in love with that person when, in reality, it is a fantasy that will not last. The expression “in fat you ate” comes to mind. Food high in fat and calories, such as fast food, can resemble infatuation. Nothing of nutritional value remains after consumption.
6. Most importantly, establish an accountability system that will hold you accountable for not allowing yourself to get too far into a relationship with someone with whom you would not be friends. Don’t let your heart become involved with someone you wouldn’t want as a friend, and instead say no.
Putting an End to the Divisions
In this article, you will not learn how to deal with all of the issues that can lead to you being attracted to the wrong type of person.
The authors of Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t were inspired to write the book to address this issue, as were the authors of Changes That Heal and Hiding from Love. The main point to take away from this is that you must set clear boundaries with yourself in order to avoid getting further involved in relationships with people with whom you do not want to be friends.
The following are some of the reasons why you might be attracted to the wrong type of person.
Unresolved Questions Regarding the Origins of the Family
The difficulties you experienced growing up may manifest themselves in your dating relationships if you came from a dysfunctional family. A person who is similar to a parent with whom you had difficulty may, for example, pique your interest. The father of one of my friends was a strict and unyielding man.
Over the course of her life, she tried her hardest to win his approval, but she was never successful. Consequently, she found herself desperately attracted to critical men who she could never please because of her temperament. She would never have chosen such friends as friends, but she would “fall in love” with men who possessed such a personality.
Or you’re drawn to someone who is the polar opposite of your abusive parent. Another lady I know dreaded a man’s power and ambition because of her abusive father. As a consequence, she was always drawn to docile, caring males who frustrated her because they couldn’t stand alone.
In both situations, the women had previously handled their issues via prior relationships and were now seeking to fix them through new ones. It’s a bust
Treat each connection separately to avoid interfering with others.
Unintegrated Self-Parts
Another reason you can be drawn to individuals that aren’t right for you is because you’re wanting to confront a new side of yourself. It may be positive, like assertiveness. I knew a guy who was drawn to women who were bossy and controlling because they have a power that he lacked. Often, if you lack a quality, you are attracted to someone who has it in abundance. In other words, a passive person will be attracted to someone who is overbearing, not someone who is generally forceful.
You may be drawn to awful things. If you’ve always been the “nice guy,” you could be attracted to someone with a “dark” side. The dark side might be sexual, drug addiction, irresponsibility, or impulsivity, but whatever it is, the “saint” falls head over heels for the “sinner.”
Unable to look at and integrate your own “badness,” this typical pattern arises. You may feel embarrassed of your imperfections and avoid confronting some areas of your psyche. Because of external or internal pressures to be “good,” you don’t open yourself, integrate your “shadow” aspects, and become a true person.
As a result of this duality, you are both good and drawn to the evil. The answer is to become both “good” and “bad,” but authentic, with both good and negative elements. (7:16–18; Luke 11:39–40.) You won’t be lured to darkness if you can establish safe, therapeutic partnerships to integrate your shameful aspects.
You may experience new discomfort or anguish. Unresolved hurt might draw someone with a lot of suffering and troubles to connect with his own distress. This is textbook codependency.
Uncountable individuals have denied portions of themselves and seek out unpleasant situations to work through those concerns. “Above everything, protect your heart, because it is the source of life,” says Proverbs 4:23. You will have to cope with whatever is in your heart in some manner. Keep your heart healthy so you don’t attract the wrong individuals.
D-Hope
Have you experienced much disappointment and loss?
If so, you may find it difficult to let go of things, especially bad ones. You may have acquired a “defensive hope” character trait. You want for change to avoid the agony of letting them go. When you realize a person isn’t going to be what you need long term, you hold on to hope for change instead of loss.
Romanticizing
Are you a “hopeless romantic”? If so, you may be prone to charmers who may entice you with romantic dynamics but lack the character to sustain a relationship. Charm is deceiving (Proverbs 31:30). Charmers and victims can’t go beyond romanticism to intimacy. This describes many sexual or relationship junkies. The relationship’s emotional drama and sexual intensity distract them from the lack of closeness. “We were carrying our emptiness to the bedroom and rejecting it,” one lady said.
Can I fall in love with a man that I would not choose as a friend?
If you tend to romanticize, you may live in a world of imagined relationships. This is sometimes acceptable in the early stages of a relationship. A lot of attraction is based on fantasy. It’s time to confront your emptiness if a relationship cannot maintain intimacy and meaningful connection.
We don’t condemn romance, sexuality, or emotion.
They are, in fact, vital. If you spend a lot of time with someone and never experience passion or sexual desire, either something is wrong or this person is best kept as a “friend”. A deep and happy relationship requires both sexuality and connection. Sex, platonic love, closeness, and friendship are all part of God’s purpose for passionate love in marriage. But desire without character, closeness, or friendship is incredibly risky.
You may have a long-standing Cinderella complex. Or your dreams may protect you from sadness or other setbacks. But, as great as romance is, it is ultimately painful if it is not grounded in reality. If you’re a romantic by choice or need, maintain the good parts, but work on the bad. The traditional “wining and dining” dynamic does not foster long-term relationships. It is.
In reality, the better way begins with genuine friendship and friendship blossoms into passion. More on that later, but for now, remember that romanticizing anything is a way of escaping reality. And it is the truth you must accept.
Undeveloped Eros
Some individuals have never been really linked or known. They’ve never been linked at their most vulnerable. So they lack true connection and intimacy. They may have come from a broken family or church. In any event, they are unaware of their loss.
If this is you, you’ll be attracted to those who can’t connect. Detachment is sometimes lured to detachment for reasons of familiarity and safety. It’s like telling your date, “You appear to be like me.” “Let us disconnect.” Or you are ignorant. In the end, you are drawn to a disconnected persona and “fall in love” as the fantasy existence replaces the disconnected self.
To overcome detachment, you must be in therapeutic relationships that are not romantic in nature. Then you’ll be able to pick folks who can know you on all levels.
Love is the Way
It’s fantastic. It’s fantastic. It’s fantastic. The key is: Something is amiss if none of those are based on genuine friendship and character respect.
A true and enduring connection begins with friendship. You’ll spend a lot of time with them. “I knew I could grow old with him,” stated one of my friends of her partner. I enjoyed his company. She shared strong spiritual values and other commonalities with him, as she would with any friend. They’ve been married for almost 30.
The ideal dating boundaries is to start every connection with the goal of friendship. Do not hurry into romance. Keep your physical, emotional, and mental limits. Engage someone.
Spend time getting to know them. Spend time with them with other friends. How well does he/she blend? Compatibility with his or her friends
Has he or she any friends? (Lack of long-term friendships is a warning indicator.)
You will be more certain if you do not hurry into falling for someone without first being friends. You may experience a range of emotions.
Enjoy. But don’t listen. Only trust your own experience of getting to know someone and sharing deeply. See whether you can trust him or her as a friend. Also, examine whether you would like spending time with that individual without any romantic overtones. That is the ultimate test of a friend, someone you like spending time with regardless of how you spend it. “Hanging out” is satisfying in itself.
Long-term friendships need character, and strong connections require shared beliefs. All of these qualities are desirable in a best buddy.
Make sure the person you’re falling for has those attributes.
Set limits. Being in love with someone you wouldn’t want to be friends with is never a good thing.
Can I fall in love with a man that I would not choose as a friend?
