5 Toxic Words Couples Say Without Knowing
We tend to talk without thinking in our most intimate interactions. It seems to be a positive development: we are so at ease with one another that we can freely express ourselves.
However, there are situations when it may be detrimental. Off-the-cuff statements might be misunderstood, and words said out of anger can be very hurtful and damaging.
A marital and family therapist in Little Rock (Arkansas), Becky Whetstone, told HuffPost that couples are “desperate” to communicate but are unable to do so well because they are “so dang sloppy” in the way they arrange their words and sentences. “They believe they said X, but their partner believes they said Y, and, well, you know what I’m talking about.
Some of the most hurtful things couples say to each other are revealed by Whetstone and other relationship therapists, who frequently do not realize the consequences of their remarks.
Their ideas for what to say instead of the harmful words are included in the section below.
It’s not a big problem,” or “You’ll get over it,” is a common response to this.
There may be good intentions behind such responses: When it comes to helping your spouse maintain perspective, you hope that they would see that whatever they are going through is not life-altering in the long run, but rather just stressful.
However, according to Amanda Baquero, a Miami-based marital and family therapist, these words might be demeaning to someone who is struggling with an emotionally charged issue.
And asking them to “get over it” would simply make them feel even more foolish for having brought it up in the first instance.
To show your support for your spouse through a tough period, say something like ‘That seems challenging.’ ” I understand why you are feeling this way, and I agree. Together, we’ll be able to get through this,” she expressed confidence.
2. Your father says, “You’re just like his son.”
Alternatively, your mother, sister, brother, or anybody else you want to include. No doubt about it, they are combative phrases intended to set off your partner’s alarm system or provoke an argument.
This does not make slinging an abuse like this any more fair or proper, even if your spouse was acting in a manner similar to that of the individual in question. In doing so, you are distilling them down to a single bad characteristic or action.
The Los Angeles-based marriage and family therapist Abigail Makepeace described it as “irresponsible” and “punishing” your spouse for familial issues they may have privately discussed with you or judgments you may have made about their family.
Comments like these may also be particularly upsetting since they often allude to characteristics in your partner’s father that they are already aware of and do not like. It doesn’t result in a shift in perspective.”
If you find yourself making harsh broad remarks about your spouse and their family, Makepeace advises telling them about the particular conduct that disturbed you and asking them to alter it.
3.You always… or you never…, depending on your point of view.
It’s natural to use this kind of all-or-nothing language when you’re frustrated, but it’s seldom a true reflection of your partner’s actions. Your spouse will naturally go on the defensive when you criticize them, especially when you use phrases like “you always” or “you never.”
I’ve never met a partner who doesn’t care or listens, or who is guilty of always or never doing X, Y or Z all of the time,”
Whetstone said. “In all of the years I’ve done couples therapy, I’ve never met a partner who doesn’t care or listen, or who is guilty of always or never doing Y, Z all of the time.” “Speaking in absolutes and mischaracterizing your partner in this manner accomplishes just one thing: it causes them to dismiss whatever you say after that. ” When the claim leveled is completely untrue, it causes individuals to get defensive.
I’ve been in couples counseling for over a decade and have never encountered a spouse who doesn’t care, doesn’t listen, or who is guilty of always or never performing X, Y or Z 100 percent of the time.
You will need to adopt a different strategy if your objective is to have a fruitful talk with your partner. Concentrate on how you are feeling right now and be precise about what your spouse is doing that is troubling you.
If they’re browsing through Instagram before night, tell them you’re feeling neglected or disconnected instead of saying, “You’re always on your darn phone!”
In Whetstone’s words, “when you pick your words carefully and express them in a manner that does not seem like finger-pointing, the vast majority of rational individuals will listen and endeavor to satisfy your requirements.”
4. “You’re going about it the wrong way.” ‘Why aren’t you simply doing it the way I want it?’
When your spouse does something the “wrong way,” that is, in a different manner than you would do it, it’s easy to get irritated. Whatever it is, it may be something as little as the haphazard way they load the dishwasher or prepare for a vacation, or something more significant like the way they parent or deal with a family member.
It is possible to make your spouse feel defensive and belittled if you phrase your counsel in this manner, according to Baquero.” When you remark ‘It seems as if you are having difficulty with this,’ it will be more effective.” Something I’ve come up with may be of assistance. Is it okay if I play you a song?’
It may also make couples feel like they are working together rather than competing against one another, according to the professor.
I’m finished,” I say.
When you make remarks like “I’m done,” “I want a divorce,” “I detest you,” and so on, you may do significant harm, even if you don’t intend them, according to the dictionary. Anger between friends and family is common. When people are angry or upset, they tend to strike out and say excessive things. This is bad, according to Whetstone.
According to Whetstone, “what occurs is that a partner achieves a crescendo of tension at which point it is the worst moment to speak about your emotions.” “Relax and then come back and gently explain what isn’t working,” says the author of the book. The greater half of our personality may be accessed at this time.”
Extreme statements during a quarrel, such as “I want a divorce,” may be devastating, even if you don’t mean them in the true sense of the word “divorce.”
It is important for clients to realize that things expressed when in an activated state are generally exaggerations that do not accurately reflect how they really feel. Whetstone teaches her clients to recognize that this is the case. In spite of this, these remarks have the potential to be quite damaging.
In reality, they’d say something like, ‘At this point, I’m so upset with you that I’m certain I’m done, but I’m not,’ or anything along those lines.”
The sixth point is, “You’re being oversensitive.”
When your spouse is angry, and you dismiss their sentiments by claiming they are “too sensitive” or “too emotional,” you are discounting their feelings and those of your children.
In Makepeace’s opinion, “it is not fair for us to dictate how someone should feel.” “It almost never helps to tell someone that their emotion is ‘too’ anything.”
Even if you don’t completely understand or agree with their point of view, Makepeace advises that you refrain from passing judgment on them. Making a sincere comment such as “I understand why it upset you” may go a long way toward helping your spouse feel heard and understood.
7.Nothing is spoken in this situation.
It is possible that being silent might be just as harmful as speaking the wrong thing at the wrong moment.
“Stonewallers” are those that get disengaged when their spouse attempts to have a mature discussion with them.
Alternatively, they may shut down and leave the room, refusing to discuss the subject matter. According to Denver psychologist Brittany Bouffard, this kind of conduct may leave the other partner feeling abandoned and rejected at a time when emotional connection is required.
According to her, “These refusals to remain connected during or after a quarrel are like a bomb, frequently leaving each partner without knowing why the other is upset or how to mend,” she added.
According to Bouffard, persons who have an avoidant attachment style are more prone to withdrawing from social situations. When it comes to personal relationships, our attachment style is the way we connect to the people we are with.)
It is possible that they may check out or try for other methods to detach themselves from the connection if they feel too close.
Having a tough talk with your relationship is OK, but ignoring your partner or refusing to have a difficult conversation at all is not acceptable.
According to Bouffard, “If you relate, try telling your partner you need a few minutes to tend to yourself but that you are ready to come back and discuss.”
The facilitator may ask if you have a suggestion, such as greater room to express your voice without being interrupted or to keep the discussion focused on a next step rather than on the arguing specifics.
